The dark hours

Hello everyone. I've been up most of the night. My mind is racing with questions with no answers. I'm scared for the future and feel totally alone. My circumstances are all to common but not typical. I find myself at 36 struggling to be the mother I always dreamt of being but without the support of my husband. Its been 10 years since we met. I left the UK a young women to work in Saudi Arabia. Tax free salary what could go wrong. Unfortunately I met a man who needed my strength and wisdom to give him the self belief to progress his career. I ignored my own ambitions and financial security to become a trailing spouse. 'I'll make it up to you. Just hang on a little longer. I just need the next step up on the career ladder and then we can start a family and you will get what you deserve. My attention, love, support and less importantly but earned the trappings of the wife an Oil and Gas Executive'. Instead I find myself having to drag my ass off to the Job Centre Plus today to give excuses to a person about why I haven't found employment. 36 on benefits. I thought and still think that I'm an intelligent person. I'm not a single mother on benefits am I. No surely I should be swanning around Dubai in Range Rover spending my days shopping, lunching and hosting dinner parties for my husbands collegues. That was the deal wasn't it. Thats what I invested in. Thats why I sat night after night waiting for him to come home after another busy day. Another home cooked meal ruined. Its been 19 months since he hounded myself and our 12 week old son on a plane to Heathrow with two suitcases My family were good enough to rally round and thankfully put a roof over our head. I slept on a mattress for months at my younger brothers house. He retained all my worldly goods and the company supplied villa with the private pool. Oh the joy I felt when he marched over a few weeks later to beg us to come back. Oh the relief he wants us afterall. Of course I'll come back. He'll follow on and await our return Just give me a couple of weeks to clear my schedule. Don't worry I LOVE YOU. But the call never came. Instead the pics arrived on facebook of him and her. The phone calls dried up. The text messages not responded to. The sounds of people partying when I called our land line phone desperately trying to find out what the hell was going on. Oh she is nothing. I was lonely, She was there. Its over. Oh then again. I actually don't want you back afterall. She is the one for me. She is sexy. She will get herself pregnant I pleaded. I predicted. Now 19 months later. I'm sitting in a perfectly lovely house. Paid for our lovely government. Whilst she awaits the birth of my husbands child.
They are no longer together you understand. Oh just a fling. Life changing earth shattering fling. He lost his job by the way. Some companies don't appreciate scandal. He now sleeps in my spare room. Arrived six weeks ago to see his son. Planned two weeks. But you see I am required to sort out his next career move you see. Thats what I do isn't it. Thats what I have done again. Terribly stupid. So he off again next week to tax free heaven. He'll send 500 quid a month if he feels like it. I've pleaded to reconcile for the sake of my son. He doesn't love me. I filed for divorce twelve months ago in order to give him his freedom. Still not responded. What am I. I'm a struggling single mother on the social neither married or divorced with a boring personal future. The light of my life thankfully is too young to realise the pain I'm in. I pray that I don't damage him emotionally. He is the foundation to which I must build my future. What a weight I have attached to his young shoudlers. Enough now. Comments please ......

Oh sosis, I feel for you and send hugs. The important thing is you are not alone, you are here on wiki, and we support each other (pop into chat if you need a bit of cheering up or help). And you have your son who will grow up with a loving mother, who will always do her best for him.

Your husband really does seem to be one of those "have my cake and eat it" people. You have supported him and given him everything only for him to throw it all back at you. It sounds as if he has put you through hell, but only once you have been right down can you start to slowly claw your way back up. It won't be easy but perhaps it is time to face the truth and start the steps to recovering YOUR life.

You obviously had a successful career, you are capable, you are organised, you can rebuild. But you will need to take it slowly, one step at a time. Don't worry about making excuses to the staff, it's not easy to get a job in the current climate, and you have child care to consider. But there might be something part-time out there, which will ease you back into the job market, and with your intelligence and skills it won't be long before you are able to do something more suitable.

Don't hang around waiting for your husband to decide what he wants to do. Regain your self-worth and do something for yourself. If not a job, then think of a hobby you might enjoy, sometimes a new career can start with a hobby.

Live your life for yourself and your son. Do what you want to do and start enjoying the freedom. 36 is no age, you are young, you have your future ahead of you. I can promise you your life won't be boring!

You have done more than your 'bit' for your husband.

You sound like a very capable person who has had a bad interlude and now you need to take up the reins again of YOUR life and that of your child.

Put all that previously wasted effort and ability into yourself and your future.

Make your life what it should be and give your child the life it needs.

Let that other child, the one you married, find a new guardian.

Start again and fulfil all that potential you put on a back burner. You can you know.

Hi sosis.

All you're guilty of is loving and supporting your husband in any way you could. Isn't that in the the job description?

The fact that you gave up your own career so that he could further his shows what a committed, selfless and loyal person you are.

It's going to be hard but now you have to start thinking about yourself and planning a happy future for you and your little one.

You can do it, you can't rush and it'll be a rollercoaster ride but we are all here to listen and to support you.

Keep writing blogs, you will always have an answer, you will never be alone.

Take care

Flick.x