Very Confused!

Hi, I am SO new to all this, read about site today in the Daily Mail.

I separated from my husband in February this year, after 20 years of marriage. I had endured 20 years of violence, splitting up 18 years ago but getting back with him a year later because I believed he would change. Two more children and many years later I realised he would never be able to address his anger problems, and, as much I did not want it my kids to go thro the heartbreak for their parents splitting, I wanted even less for them to witness his violence.

So in May last year I consulted a solicitor and to cut along story short, I made him realise I would not change my mind, bought him out of his share of the house, and he bought a house and moved out in February. The months of waiting for him to be ready to go (his house needed totally refurbishing) almost drove me mad, I just wanted him to go.

He moved out days after our 20th wedding anniversary, and it felt really weird at first, and I did feel sad for him, I knew he still loved me.

Since then I have worked hard to include him in family stuff, decisions regarding the children, etc etc, and felt really proud that we were having such an amicable break up and that the kids were adjusting well.

Until last week, when my little girl came home and told me he had joined an on line dating agency (he thought she hadn't seen it on his laptop) and his profile made no mention of the children. My little girl was distraught at the thought of her dad dating, and whilst initially I thought it was funny, and had always said it would be a relief when he found someone as it would take the pressure off of me, I now feel really sad and emotional and just can't understand why I have these feelings. I have spent a long time fantasising about being away from him. Can anyone else relate to these feelings?

Alli

Welcome to Wiki and congratulations on the amicable break.

When you have been with someone for so long, it is quite natural you still have feelings for them. In virtually all marriages there are good times mixed in with the bad. Good people cannot just wipe out 20 years of time together, and I don't think it is healthy to.

Often break ups are not amicable because there is someone else involved (in my case my wife had an affair) and that extra person creates all sorts of issues and emotions

Even after you have separated the thought of someone that you have been with for so long seeing someone else is quite likely to give you mixed feelings, it shows you are a decent caring person.

Trying to focus on new things and keeping busy is something that I have found helps me.

You may also find that because you are still in the marital home that you have memories and that can make it hard to move on. Redecorating and making the place more your own helps too.

Good luck

S

Thanks, S.

Your words are appreciated. I guess it is very early days. I have redecorated - spent months planning it when he was still here - and I have three kids with immensely better social lives than mine, so I am kept pretty busy, and I work full time. We have had a lot going on at home; their dad left, then we lost a good friend, then our dog died very very unexpectedly aged just two years old, just seems like its one thing after another and I think we are all a bit battered at the moment, which is why my emotions took me by surprise.

Thanks again,

Well done on turning your life around.

After 20 years you had a lot of emotion invested in this man and you can't turn off your feelings like a tap.

It's a year since I separated from my ex and although I am mainly much happier I occasionally find myself having unexpected feelings about him.

Welcome to the site by the way!

Regards

nell

Thanks Nell, its good to know that I am not alone in these mad feelings!

I wobble between feeling sad and angry, mostly that just for once he can't put his feelings aside and make the children a priority.

He says he is lonely, but he has unlimited access to the children, and my little girl in particular is keen to spend as much time as possible with him. The last thing on my mind is finding another man, it would just be too soon for all involved, and I just thought he felt the same. Despite his faults he was always faithful, so I really do feel for the people on this site who have been confronted with infedility, as breaking up is bad enough.

Thanks for the warm welcome.