Marriage hs become a sham

Hi - new boy here. I just need to get my feelings off my chest so hope this is the right place. Been married 8 years and have 2 wonderful boys. We no longer seem to have anything in common. We dont talk and its like we dont even like each other anymore. I have recently been through a cancer op so its been a year of radio, chemo and 2 major ops. I get no emotional support from my wife. She never even asks how I'm doing. She has also taken up smoking which I hate with a passion. She smoked when we met but gave up. This seems very insensitive to me. there is a chance my cancer could come back and she starts doing something that is a known carcinogen. If i am not around for my boys I would like her to be!! Sex is nonexistent. I dont even know how to approach her for it any more. I have had too many knock backs. I work long hours and most of the time I dont even get a supper made. The other day I did 12 hours at work and I came home and she said from the sofa "your soup is in the pot". I am not chauvanistic but I would hope that if she is at home all day (apart from picking kids up from school) that a bit of supper isnt too much to expect. Maybe it is? I am a hardworking caring father and husband. I buy her flowers for valentines etc and sometimes for no reason at all. I feel she has no respect for me and what i do and she takes me for granted. I really want the marriage to work but dont know how to go about it. Wow - this seems like a bit of a rant so I apologise. It is like I am living with a flat mate not a wife.

You have had an awful lot happen to you and I don't blame you for seeking support. You are clearly unhappy but I suspect she is also. She certainly sounds like she's pushing you away - she may be very scared with the cancer and unable to voice this. Illness does funny things to people.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to suggest that you try counselling for yourself to try and work out what it is that you want. If you are sure that at the moment that what you want is for the marriage to continue, then you should perhaps be looking at going to Relate and/or some other form of couples counselling. You can go alone if she won't go with you. She may need a 'wake up call' to the problems in your marriage - it is clear to me, 8 months down the line, that my stbx and I had bigger problems than I was first able to admit. However, that doesn't excuse his behaviour and sorting things out for himself by having an affair. I would much rather we had gone to counselling early on to try and sort things than deal with things as they are now. Divorce is not an easy route to take, believe me.

It is not unreasoanble to expect a meal at the end of the day. However, I would ask that you take a good look at your wife, as a woman rather than a mother or wife, and think about what she might need in this sense - this is something that was sadly lacking in my marriage. The occassional bunch of flowers is lovely but is there something else she's prefer? Something that might say more? My stbx saw me as a mother only, without any other needs, moaned if I was tired, moaned if I didn't want to go out etc. etc. but never really understood the pressures of being at home with children, on your own, day in day out. It is also true that I didn't take time to listen to him and the difficulties of his day and perhaps this is where it all went wrong....we will never know now, there is no communication between us and that makes me very sad. Him too, I have no doubt.

Hope this helps in someway. You will get all the support you need here. Welcome.

Thanks for the swift response. I appreciate what you say. However, She doesn't have too hard a life. Both boys are at school all day. She has coffee mornings with other mums. The other day she had a tennis lesson and is thinking of doing that weekly. She seems happy with her life. We have a good circle of friends. She is out tonight with some of the wives of friends.
I see her as a wife and (hopefully) lover s well as a mother. She generally gets what she wants. i really dont think the cancer is scaring her. In her mind it is all sorted and i am cured. I wish that was the case. the problem is that I feel we are drifting further apart each day. We bicker a lot. I see friends together and they are sweet to each other. I get no emotion or affection. Its really the affection that I miss most. I think it could be simply that she doesnt love me any more but doesnt know it. If it carries on I will end up not loving her anymore either. Then there wont be a way back and I really dont want to get to that stage. The other thing that scare me is the boys schooling. At the moment I pay for private schooling. If we end up divorcing I wont be able to afford that. It really scare me ho much my boys will suffer. I forgot to mention we have both been married before. she has 3 older children.

Hallo

Your wife may seem happy but her lack of affection for you implies she isn't. Happy people are generally quite amicable and don't bicker.

Coffee mornings with other mums are ok but they aren't very fulfilling.

You need to try to talk to your wife - tell her how you feel and she how she responds.