hi all im new!!

hi everyone i have jsut left my husband after 4 years of marriage. i knew he was cheating on me but had no proof at the time i left him but i do now and he has admitted to them now (total of 5 so far expect more to come to light soon though!)

he was also a bully and used to bribe me with sex eg "ill only take out the rubbish or help with the housework if i get sex 6 times a week" that sort of thing and if i didnt agree i would get a kick in the shins in bed or he would try to shove me out of bed. i also found out that he was spearing rumours around saying that i was talking about people behind their backs so no one would want to talk to me so he could keep on cheating on me with no fear of anyone telling me coz i was a "nasty person"

we have 2 boys together one who is 3 and one who is 21 weeks old.

i had to have a c-section with our eldest due to complications and my x refused to attend the birth of our 2nd son unless i had another section which i stupidly agreed to even though there was no medical reason for me to have this totally unnecessary major surgery!

he has had no contact with this children since march for our youngest and feb with our eldest he hasnt even attempted to try. he has been wiping the bank account every month and telling me he will not pay me aliment because he wants me to suffer. what he doesnt realise is its the kids suffering not me i can cope hell i dealt with him for 5 and a half years!

he has now responded to the lawyers letter but is being difficult telling his lawyer lies and refusing to give over his pension details and income details because he doenst want to pay me anything because he is paying for the children!!

anyway i came on here to see if anyone had been in a similar situation and aybe help some people out with some advice and vice versa!

Hi gillypkk

Congratulations that you have made the break and on the other hand I am sorry that your marriage couldnt have turned out the way you wanted when you first got married.

I can sympathise with the bullying husband bit! Mine was a nightmare, I went out with friends 7 times in 12 years and each time I went out I would not be spoken to for about 2 - 3 weeks as punishment! It was terrible, he was a very scary person when he was angry and me and my daughter used to hide from him when he came home in a foul mood! I was told I was useless, stupid, fat, ugly and frigid. After a while your self worth takes a tumble!

You have 2 beautiful boys and he is the one missing out on the contact. But it is a shame that they wont get to know their father but that is his fault not yours. My husband sees my daughter (who is 12) every other weekend but has not paid a penny in maintenance for the last year and has told my daughter that he wont be paying me a penny for anything - instead he buys her stuff for her room at his house cos he knows that she will tell me. She is not allowed to bring anything that he buys her home with her - everything stays at his! It's pathetic. He is so stupid and would not listen to his own solicitor (who now will not act for him!) and he seems to think that Contact is about him seeing his daughter not about our daughter spending quality time with her father! Everything is about him. He has also spent the last year lying to his solicitor and anyone else that he could get to listen to him. He enjoys making everything as difficult and long winded as possible and refuses to even acknowledge that I exist! He refuses to sign any documents unless he has run them past my ex-best friend (that has now taken up with him!)! He refuses to supply pension and income details and is messing the CSA around too!

I have worked at a solicitors office for about 5 years in the matrimonial/family dept so I have an basic understanding of the procedures for divorce and contact however I am no expert! But I can offer you support and maybe a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on if you need one!

Good Luck - this is a long and bumpy road but here at Wiki everyone does their best to help

Cleo x

Oh Gilly, I am sitting here in tears. Stupid, stupid man, probably been to the same charm school as my stbx (although he sounds like he got an A and my stbx is only a C student by comparison!). I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with our third child (many claims it is not his, blah, blah, blah, can't be bothered with it anymore - it gets like that after a while), married 9 years, two boys aged 5 and 2. He moved in with the girlfriend immediately (denied having a girlfriend for 6 months, still denying he is living with her).

Money a huge issue - he has paid the mortgage sporadically (every 3 months at the point they threaten reposession) but no other money has been forthcoming and I am struggling in a big way. About to have to go onto benefits as I can't keep working with the baby due any day now. Has said on many occassions he owes me nothing, I get what I deserve etc. etc.

You need to file for divorce sooner rather than later - the sooner you get the ball rolling, the sooner you can get the money sorted and your future and that of your boys more secure. Also, make a CSA claim - you can do it online today - they will only backdate to the date they first contact your stbx so please, don't sit on this expecting him to sort it out because the chances are he won't. I lost nearly 5 months that way - he is self-employed and so lying through his teeth about what he earns but some money would be better than none at the moment!!!!

Make sure you're getting everything you're entitled to - Healthy Start Vouchers? Child Tax Credit? Council Tax Benefit? If your bank accounts are joint (sounds like they are), you can freeze them - set yourself up a new one immediately, have the Child Benefit etc. transferred to it and then freeze the other accounts. You don't need his permission for this - tell the bank you have separated, they will do it immediately.

Finally, concerntrate on your lovely children who will know, in years to come, who was there for them and who wasn't. Don't waste any more of your time on a man who really can't be bothered with it all. You're all worth so much more than that. Come into chat on here as and have a good rant - I would have been lost without it and have made some great friends. PM me if you want to talk at all. I know how hard it is xxxxx.