Hubby left me and 3 kids for OW after 20yrs!!

Hi everyone,

I found out 1 month ago that my husband was having affair with his bosses girlfriend and after huge row and upsets he left the next day to live with her.He of course lost his job.

He has since restarted a new job two weeks ago and has only been paid so far for these two weeks.I have had nothing from him in the form of money,and am struggling to feed and provide for my children on the little money I earn from my part-time job.He says he can not give me very much at all if anything until he gets his monthly wage at the end of the month in July,as all the money he has is accounted for.He is on a debt management programme as he has alot of it to pay back.I was embarrassed that my friend had to lend me £10 last week so that I could buy Milk,potatoes and bread for the children.

Anyway at the moment we are having problems with contact for the children as althougth I have no problem with him seeing the children,he wants to include the Other Women in this and I do not want her anywhere near my children at the moment(she was also know to the children as a friend of my husbands in the past).I hate them both at the moment for what they have done to the children and I.

Can I stop her from being involved?.I do not think that the quality time he should be spending with them should also involve her.

I absolutely understand how you feel about the other woman, but unless you think she is a serious threat to your children in terms of harming them, there is not a lot you can do.

Both you and your husband have parental rights and who you leave the children with when they are in your care is up to you individually.

I would urge you to keep your feelings about the ow to yourself and not talk about her to your children, however difficult that might be.

Nell

Hi take a deep breathe you have had a big shock in finding out about your husbands affair.I know exactly how you feel right now cause i was in your position nearly 3 years ago and my heart goes out to you.i WAS MARRIED 18 YRS MET HIM WHEN I WAS 15.

Like my sbex, your husband is being unfair to you and the children intruducing her as a partner so soon. As if we are not hurting enough.

My advice to you is speak to your children and ask them how they feel .as hard as it is dont let your emotions interfere with your childrens position and judgement.lET THEM DECIDE!

My husband would not see his kids unless they met the other women and despite what he done to me i have always wanted them to have a dad in their life.At first they never wanted to see their father but eventually they came around, then he put this demand on them about seeing other women .

I sat them down and explained to them that im ok with what ever they decide,i also said through gritted teeth that the other women must be ok as their father had a good taste in women as he chose me 21 yrs previous and i smiled .It was the hardest thing ive ever done but i know it was the right thing to do as our childrens wants and feelings comes way way before ours.Plus im now proud of myself to be able to do that given the shock and hurt i was going through.

The first time they met her i did not move off my sofa i cried cried and cried.Friends called me up as they were worried about me and i would say/CRY , she has my husband now she has my kids, they would say to me she will never be their mother and and they love you very much they told me not to worry what ever happens they will always see her as the other women.They were right and i soon started to look on the bright side and enjoy the free time it gave me which believe me i needed specially as my divorce/ancillary has been far from amicable from his part as ive tried to be amicable.

I know it is very hard but talk to to them ,see how they feel hope this helps if you want to pm me im happy to give you support as i know how hard this is . take care of yourself and it does get better and easier, Its true when they say time is a great healer.

GOOD LUCK
M2M XX

I don't want to sound unsympathetic, honestly, but I do not advise about contact and residence issues, they are not my scene.

What I'm more concerned about at the moment is your immediate need for cash.

The first thing you need to look at is benefits. Are you getting everything you are entitled to ? By which I mean tax credits, housing/council tax benefit ?

Secondly, if your husband has left you, you need to sort out the two issues of child/spousal support and get them on a proper legally enforceable basis.

Thirdly, it is possible to get crisis loans from the Social Security people if you have immediate needs to feed and house yourself and your family.

I would advise an appointment with a CAB : I think you will find them helpful. But you have my sincere sympathy, and the fact that I can't help you much regarding contact does not alter that.

Mike

Hi again,

Thankyou for your replies,I thought that was what everyone would say about OW and contact with my children.I can talk to one of them as my eldest daughter is 9 years old,but dd2 is 3 and ds is 2years old so it is harder to know how to communicate with them.

In answer to Mikes question of lack of money,thank you for your concern,yes I have been to CAB and they were very helpful,I have also just recently sent off my Tax Credit form and will also send off my Council tax claim form too.I have also joined mediation which I am getting legal aid for,and I am meeting a solicitor tomorrow for advice (at the advice of the mediators)and hope to qulify for legal aid too.I hope that I will not have to pay back anything as I have nothing in the form of money except what I earn,which is very little.

Thankyou once again I hope that I will be amongst friends here, as I will proberly be boring you with future questions and developments as the months progress.

Many many thanks x

Hi emmy,

I think your ex is being insensitive. He should give the children time to adjust to him leaving before he starts introducing his new partner. Remind him that this is primarily a time to put his childrens' interests first. There will be plenty of time to introduce new partner later....they might even be curious about her by then. If you ask them now what they want, I expect they will be defensive and protective of you, which may result in a bad start with OW anyway- not good for the future.
I suggest you tell him to tread lightly over this one

Hello

Will try and keep this short and sweet.

Your cash problem will be sorted with your tax credits. Its amazing how much they give you, expecially if you have three kids, yes you may struggle immediately now, but this will be for a matter of a few days til you get your payments - which will be backdated anyway. Any extra you get off him for the time being via CSA or verbal agreement? Bonus. Life's too short.

I understand you're p*ssed that there is another woman involved. But I can not stress how much you have to pretend you think she's fine in front of the kids. Slag her off to your mates, to yourself, whoever if it really makes you feel better, but if you mention her in a bad way to the kids, then they see him, and repeat anything you've said, you will risk him choosing her over them. Then because you couldn't help yourself, you'll have cost the kids their father. It's one thing to have him walk away from you, but to have him walk away from any contact with them and you look them in the eye each day knowing its because you couldn't help but be bitter?? Not good. You have to make the clear distinction between you and him, and him and the kids. You want to punish him and her by making unnecessary conditions about contact - this immediately gives him ammunition to say you tried to use the children as pawns. As Nell says, as long as she's no threat, it's basically tough, jut like it would be for him if you had a boyfriend.

Hope you think carefully about your next steps

Jordan x