Hello!

I'm just having a look round here, reading what people have posted, and thinking that this is a really great service.

I have been married to my husband for nearly 16 years, but have long since ceased to have a fulfilling relationship with him, despite several attempts at counselling etc. If it had just been the two of us it would have been given a decent burial long ago.

We have 3 very lovely children, and our lives have been dominated by the challenges they present. Our eldest has severe multiple disabilities and the first years of his life where desperate.. but he has survived and it has been my mission to get him the support and help he needs. The other two kids have had to take a back seat to this at times and tend to get treated as a unit as one parent has to be with the eldest child and the other with the two younger ones.

My husband doesn't love me, he just likes having a wife and a pleasant enough life. I have felt unsupported by him throughout our marriage, although i guess he's a nice enough man in general and he certainly isn't malicious or 'bad'. I dont really want to be with him but have felt that instead of seperating in the conventional way it might be possible to continue living in the same house, co-parenting the children, but with a high degree of personal independance and automy.

Both of the younger children have some special needs too (one especially is quite stressful though)and the logistics of seperating would be horrific.. We have made some progress with this 'living apart together', but there is still some way to go before i think it is satisfactory.

I dont work (made redundant 2 years ago and now running round after childrens appointments and problems so much of the time)and husbands job is very precarious at the moment. He is resentful of my being at home and doesn't seem to understand the contribution i do make to the childrens wellbeing. This may be influenced by his resentment of me finding a new and wonderful relationship with another man, who I see quite openly. I would love him to find happiness in a relationship himself, but he was left in the early stages of marriage by his previous two wives and he says he doesn't want to try again.

Part of me wonders if it would be better to go for a full seperation rather than this half-seperation. I think I'm trying to do it gradually, in stages, so that none of it is too shocking to anyone, but mainly to the kids. Dont know if this will work andit has been quite stressful recently. I am currently here because i need to be informed whatever happens.

Sorry this is a bit long, and thanks for reading

Hallo Cariade and welcome to Wikivorce

You have found a new relationship with another man, and even if your husband no longer loves you, he will find that very hurtful.

I understand what you say about doing things gradually - goodness knows that is how I tried things but its like pulling a plaster off, much better to do in one sharp shock than prolonging the agony.

How would your children view mummy and daddy having boyfriends and girlfriends about?

None of us wants to hurt our children - especially if we feel we can avoid it. But so often we can't. I am sorry for the hurt my sons feel because their father left us, but also sorry for the hurt we caused by rowing when he was here.

Having three children with special needs must be tough and you deserve some happiness too. But you will need to discuss things with your husband. Maybe he would prefer a divorce? Perhaps he isn't aware how bad your marriage is?

Nell

Hi Nell,

I have been talking with my husband about this for ever, but he's one of those silent types who you get little or no response from. He is very clear about my views on the marriage. I have said that the two options are to go for something a little unconventional and live in the same house with the kids despite not being 'together', or to seperate. If he wants to seperate, thats fine, and I hope he will agree to do it in a calm and planned way as far as possible, but so far he hasn't suggested that option.

Our house is substantially adapted for our eldest child and we'd need to sell it and get two others which could both accomodate him. That will be very difficult, as will sorting out who has which children when. One parent simply cant manage all three of them so they could end up not seeing each other much. We'd need substantial co-operation to sort out the logistics of kids activities etc at weekends and the person who has my eldest will need specialist care workers to 'babysit' at enormous cost if they want to leave the house.

I'm not saying any of this would be impossible to resolve, but it would be extremely difficult, and i guess thats one reason why staying in the same house has more attractions that it would in a more normal family (whatever that is!) with marital breakdown.

The kids are 12, 10 and 10 by the way.. and they get on fine with my new man (well I've been seeing him a couple of years now so maybe not so new). Even my husband is prepared to let him mend the lawnmower, which is a step in the right direction. I realise it must seem a bit weird and i really do understand the sticky plaster analogy.

I'm considering whether full seperation might be better because my husband is quite difficult to live with.. he cant handle the difficulties one of the younger kids has and I'm constantly trying to put myself between them to stop mayhem breaking out. He doesn't appreciate my intervention but it gets too horrible if my husband loses his temper. The other younger child is becoming quite distressed by this. We have some support for the childrens issues and from social sevices childrens disability team.

My ideal would be for one of us to buy the other out of the house in a co-operative way, so that a second parental home could be established without huge pressure. But to be blunt, someone will have to die for this to happen.

I'm just trying to find my way through this situation.. things change, get less scary in a way, perhaps become more possible despite the difficulties.. but it is very much me in the driving seat (as usual) and it can be a lonely place to be, especially with such precious cargo in the back seat.