Still filled with pain

Hi everyone,

I'm an old newbie. Had been married for nearly 46 years when i received a text from husband informing me that he was "moving out to give us a breathing space and see how things go."

This was October 24th last year. On the 1st November I found out that he was sleeping with someone who I thought of as a friend. She is 15 years younger than me and I was/am devastated. I had a breakdown and have been in a clinic for nearly 5 weeks and am just getting myself together. I don't have much contact with him because to hear the way he speaks to me you would say I was the guilty person in this. Needless to say in front of others he acts normal.

i feel that they have destroyed my past in one fell swoop, everything I believed in and trusted has been destroyed. The future he had planned for us was no longer and she is now getting it all.

I have been to a solictor and started divorce proceedings. I do not want a divorce but this is the only way to ensure that i get my fair share of our savings. He is paying the mortgage and utilities at the moment but I feel that I cannot rely or trust him any longer, so many lies have been told by the pair of them.

Even after these long dreadful months of hell I still miss him so much.

Hello June, and welcome to wikivorce. 46 years? Goodness. So I am guessing that you had been together for considerably longer than you were not. That is an awful lot of history. So if it has taken you 46 years to get to this point in time, unravelling it all is going to take more than 9 months. However, it seems that he has made his choice. Selfishly, it doesn't include you and you are left to pick up the pieces. It seems unlikely that he will return, and even if he did, how could you ever rebuild that trust?

Given the circumstances, it would seem that divorce is the right way to go, if nothing else to protect your long term financial future.

It hurts terribly, to feel that rejection and betrayal, most especially after such a long time together. But for now it is about healing yourself and looking forward to YOUR new life. You can have happiness and fulfillment without him. It takes time - lots of time, but you need to fid the june that existed before he came along. The June that could laugh spontaneously, live dangerously and enjoyed life to the full. She is in there, but might take a bit of finding.

But welcome to wikivorce, where an awful lot of people understand your pain and hopefully will help you to find June and set her off in a new life, filled with happiness.

Mike

Thanks Mike. yes, I understand all that you say but I don't know that that June exists any more. We were married at 20 so he has been my life. I have to find a life without him and it's so difficult. I have tried going out every day but its exhausting and expensive. Sorry, I'm whinging.

Hi June-
" see how things go " Nice one- I think he meant he hoped you would still be there for him if things didn't work out with Miss X.
What he did is wrong on so many levels. How cowardly to text you, how discourteous!
He lied about it all anyway, and so is projecting his own guilt onto you. And it's a terrible cliche to run off with the younger " friend ". No imagination and no manners.
June, youv'e done your time with someone who clearly does not deserve you. I think you are absolutely right to start proceedings, but just try to treat it as financial business, rather then letting the emotion take over. And you are wise to not rely on him continuing to pay for things- selfish, cowardly people do not usually act in a morally correct or considerate way for long.
May I suggest you start retraining your thoughts to believe that you dont miss HIM but you miss the life you thought you had..... because I really think that IS the truth in most situations like these.
From what you say, he sounds like a pathetic specimen- and I'm sure you won't miss that.
It was always YOUR life, not his. You still have your life. Which will no doubt be increasingly enjoyable without him. It is exhausting going out when you are still in pain, but you must, little by little, increase your circle of contacts in order to broaden your options. It can and will happen. It doesnt need to be expensive. Do your best for yourself, cos you are the one who is important, and he is not your concern anymore,
Good Luck.

Hi June

I have to agree with Constanza. The heartbreaking sadness you are feeling is grief and you have to look at what you're grieving, him, the life you had or the life you were planning.

I was with my xtb for 35years. Someone suggested I write down 10 things I liked about him and 10 things I didn't. When it came to it I could list lots of things I didn't like but only one thing I did!

46 years is a big history to draw a close on. It won't happen overnight. What is for certain is that it's happened for a reason.
There is better out there for you.

Keep posting here. You will receive such a lot of support. You need never feel alone.

Take care
Flick.x

i too feel as if i am being made to feel the guiilty party after my "soul mate" and only ever boyfriend just decided he did not want to be with me after 32 years together to be with someone else, leaving me with two teenagers and all the associated grief, and i really do think it is grief.

i am being bullied in to going to work full time to support the children while he insists on the sale of the family home to fund his new life.

i so want this to get better but i feel as if my past has been tarnished, all the memories of what i thought was a happy family life are now tarnished, the present is hell and the future is full of fear.

again it has been said to me that it can take a long time to get over such a loss but i want it to be better now and for all the pain to go away. people say it does but it can take a long time to heal.

Thank you all for your kind words. Yes, Constanza, i am trying to treat the financial side as purely business, but as we are going down the collaboration route I found it very difficult at the first meeting and it had to be cancelled.

I have joined a local "meetup" online, but have not had the courage to go yet. I shall try at the next one.