To divorce or not to divorce

Feel uncomfortable talking about this to people i know and yet it's the only thing i can think about right now, so if i don't talk it feels like i'll burst. My husband dropped a bombshell about wanting a divorce almost two months ago, but to date he a) hasn't done anything about it and b) has started getting particularly nasty and and then reverting back to being 'reasonable' so i just don't know where i am. I don't know whether i should be the one to initiate proceeding as its obvious how much he hates me, but because of my religious beliefs etc, i am not sure i am emotionally capable of doing so. Equally the nastier he gets, the more i cannot face having to sign his petition which will include nothing but lies about the breakdown of our marriage. If any one can share their own experience i'd be so grateful...Plus even though i now how deranged he is, i'm ashamed to admit deep down i hope that he'll change his mind how do i stop being so stupid?

hallo and welcome to the site where everyone is in the same boat

firstly you aren't being stupid. Even though I knew my marriage was over I kept thinking about whether ex would come back.

I've moved on emotionally since then but not started divorce proceedings yet.

You might find counselling helps you to sort out what you want. Another useful thing is to decide whether you want to be married to a man you describe as "deranged" or whether it is just the idea of such a huge upheaval that is putting you off.

If your husband petitions you for divorce the grounds aren't of interest to anyone, its just a way of proving your marriage is over.

If you petition him it does give you a bit more control over events.

Either way it doesn't affect the financial settlement.


How long have you been married and do you have children?

Nell

Thank you for replying so quickly - we've only been married just over a year. It's his second marriage my first in every respect - first man first relationship. I can't seem to separate the man that i had fallen in love with with the man who has behaved so bizarrely and nastily. I know its only been a short time but i gave everything that was important to me to him and it hurts so much that it all meant nothing to him. I have been having some counselling and it helps to put things in perspective - i realise more each day just how badly damaged my self-worth is - i feel/ friends/ counsellor have helped show how systematic the mental abuse is, but because i've reached such a low it seems easy to believe that it really was my inadequacies that made us fail. The breaking point for him was that i asked his parents not to move in with us permanently for another year as we needed time to settle in with each other. This turned them completely against me and now they have persuaded my husband that i am so lacking in values that he cannot risk having children with me. I don't want to be bitter and vengeful but those things creep in and makes everything worse.

So sorry to hear this, but glad you are having counselling. Pop into chat for live talk to supportive and friendly people.

Nell