Hello

Hi, my husband of 25 years told me last week that he was having an affair, oops sorry, I mean he's "in love". Things haven't been great between us for a few years. I thought he was just being a grumpy middled-aged man and hated him for it, but now we have talked a bit I think that he has probably been suffering from depression. We have talked more in the last week than for the last five years, and I was starting to feel as though there might just be a future for us in the long run.

However, he has now gone away on business for a couple of weeks. He is staying near Heathrow (where his head office is) and will fly to Germany on Sunday morning for work. He met his new ?**** when he was working at head office, so although he has told me that he doesn't know when or if he will see her again, I know that he will be seeing her this weekend. He had previously told me he had been invited to a barbecue on Saturday with her and her friends (presumably he thinks I have forgotten this or doesn't remember telling me) and he has booked himself a later flight than usual. Usually he has to get up really early but obviously doesn't want to interrupt lie in with his mistress.

I am very angry because he has put me through hell in the last 6-12 months with his foul mood, but I have been very lenient and understanding since he told me, so far.

We have no kids, but do have a smallholding with many animals. It was always his dream to have a smallholding. When we moved here I gave up a well paid job and a circle of friends that I have still not really replaced. He says (in admiring tones) that his ?**?! has rules (just didn't bother with the morals then!) and won't consider disrupting her children for him, so he seems to think that we can just keep things as they are.

Oh, anohter thing. He has now decided that he would have liked a family. I had to have my tubes tied aged about 25 because of health problems (but the consultant did tell me that it was possible to reverse it, no guarantee of success obviously, and I told OH this. We have been married 25 years and OH has never said anything about wanting children until now. He is 50 and I am 48, so it is too late. If we stay together somehow, is he always going to blame me that he never had children?

He loves this place, but to be honest I am indifferent to it. But we have lots of animals (cats, dogs, horses, sheep, chickens) so it would be difficult to move away.

Just don't know what to do. Any advice appreciated.

Edited to add that I haven't had a proper job for over 5 years and have no marketable skills, so I am very worried how I would cope financially if we split.

Thanks

Hallo and welcome to Wikivorce

Forget about what your husband wants for a minute, though the phrase "cake and eat it" springs to mind.

What do you want? Would you trust him again? If he was a miserable grump before why would he change?

My ex was very grumpy for about a year and I suggested a separation. He became all sweetness and light. I thought it was because he realised a separation would be a good idea - turns out he was having an affair and hoped I would be ok about it since I had asked for the separation.

I went through hell after he left - had lots of counselling etc and now I am much much happier. I realise how miserable our marriage had been and how i had spent a lot of emotional energy trying to convince myself our relationship was all right.

As for the finances, you have been married 25 years which is a long marriage, so you are likely to get a reasonable share of the assets and your limited prospects of earning will be considered.

Keep posting, read other threads and blogs and pop into chat. We're a friendly, helpful and supportive bunch.

nell

Thanks for the welcome.

To be honest I'm not sure what I want yet. It's all too recent and raw, and I need time to think.

I do think I could trust him if we decided to give it another go and he said he would give her up. He is basically a good bloke. I'm worried that the children thing might become a problem in the future though.

Before he went away I asked him if he would go and see his GP about his depression when he got back, and he said he would. I think that has to be the starting point. If he comes home and refuses to do that, then I don't know what I'll do.

Well whatever you decide - or he decides, people will be here to support you. Pop into the chat room to meet us, we are a friendly bunch!

nell