I feel I am going mad...What do I do??

Where do I start.. I have been married over 12 years now and have two children (8 & 12). I have been so unhappy over the last few years but am stuck with the notion that marriage is for life and that the children will be so unhappy if we split and that I will have failed.

I love my children so much and can't stand the idea that they will be without me day to day. I worry about money and how I can even afford to split. Where will i live? How can I afford to live elsewhere?

Last year I had a breakdown, partly caused I feel by the inner turmoil I have endured over the question - should I, or should'nt I.

My wife is up and down all the time, hits me and is constantly saying negative things about me and has starved me of the intimacy that I so so desparately need. We have talked and talked but nothing has ever changed. Confidence wise I am rock bottom and feel totally crap about myself. All I want is for so one to say that I am doing the right thing. I have no real friends and no real relationship with my parents who will be mortified to know how I feel.

What should I do? Is divorce failure?

Hi Justs
There are no kids in my equation, but I've gone through a similar thought process to you. I hate to fail at anything and admitting my marraige wasn't working was so hard. I've been clinging to the dregs of a 10 year relationship for 4 years. It's so hard to finally let go, and I won't pretend it isn't horribly painful, but I'm glad I did it. It's only been two weeks and things are tough, but it's better than living a lie. I finally came to the conclusion that we both deserved better. We're only early 30s and have our lives ahead of us. We both deserved to be happy and it just wasn't happening together. Sometimes the right choice is the hardest one to make.
Just accept that people change and holding onto each other and being miserable isn't what marriage should be about.
Take care.

and the alternative is to carry on as you are which isn't good for you.

Don't imagine the children haven't picked up on the atmosphere either.

All your worries and concerns are what most peeps worry about when they think their marriage is over.

Try to think of a happier future where you and your spouse are more content - that will be better for the children.

My two boys were 14 and 16 when we split up a year ago. Both of them have told me life is easier without the constant arguing.

Hi justs

No, divorce is not a failure. It is easy to think that at times, and to feel very depressed about the breakup of your marriage. But remember it takes 2 people to make a marriage work, if one person wants out of the marriage they can divorce you, simple as that. You cannot make someone stay in a marriage, that is not a failure, it is life.

The trick is to recognise that whilst divorce is the end of a marriage, it can also be the start of something new and better....it is then up to you to make that new and better thing happen! It is not easy, but then most things that are worthwhile are not easy.

You will get lots of help, support and advice here, and make new friends here. Why not pop into the chat or go to one of the events to see there is live after divorce! All of us here are at various stages in our divorces and have different experience but the common aim is to get through the divorce and come out of it stronger and happier.

All the best

Steve