What do to, what to do

Hi, I just joined because I am thinking about divorce and in a situation that slowly drives me crazy, because I don't know if I should make a final decision or not. So, I'm here to spill the beans, confident that this board will understand.

I am 40, my husband is 45, and we have only been married for 2 years. In fact, the email I found he wrote to his affair, was written on the day before our 2nd wedding anniversary. He wrote things like that he loved her and would divorce his wife (me) and he threatened her with spilling the beans (she is married, too, but with a kid, I don't have any) because she was, it appears, starting to feel guilty. He retired from the army one and a half years ago, which probably tells you a lot about him. I on the other hand am an academic, and earn considerably more than him (and wouldn't be surprised if his "look I am a M.A.N." behaviour had to do with that somehow). We only bought our lovely house a little less than 2 years ago.

As you can tell from this, he committed adultery, and he did it in our home! I find that plain disgusting. I found out a bit over a week ago, by accident, and it isn't just the affair, he also has been having "cyber affairs" and the pictures I found on his computer are just awful. Now I could talk for hours about all of this, but in a nutshell, while he said he wants to stay with me he gives me nothing to work on. Doesn't talk, doens't open up, doesn't investigate his motivations, nothing at all. He behaves as if nothing had ever happened. Excuse me??? It is absolutely creepy.

Anyway, I am torn, confused, angry, terribly hurt, bitter, and a thousand other negative things. I am frightened to lose my home (I could just about keep it and the mortgage, but could I if I had to pay him off? Oh dear) because I love it and I put so much money and effort into it. I don't know what I feel anymore, nor if I could even love him, and with every day I feel that his behaviour now is even worse than the adultery.

I made an appointment with the CAB and with my bank, just to check things out, but he also refuses too go to relationship counselling, saying he can't talk in front of strangers. Seems he can't/won't talk in front of me either.

This is all a complete nightmare. Up until Friday a week ago I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this man!

khaythora,

Welcome to wiki. I am sorry to hear about the circumstances that bring you here ...

This is a horrible situation and you will, of course, be in shock. Your world has been shattered like so many people on here.

If he will not go to counselling, you can go on your own to try to sort out your feelings. Do drop into chat as well - there are plenty of people in there to talk to.

If you feel divorce is the only option, it is sensible to work out what your financial position would be. The general rule in a short marriage is that you take out what you put in ... but this is also dependent on a range of factors - see section 25 of the 1973 Matrimonial Causes Act - including any period of pre-marriage cohabitation, as well as your respective housing needs, incomes etc.

There is a post called "read this before posting" at the top of property and mortgages which tells you what wikipeeps would need to know to guide you on what a fair financial settlement could be.

Take care of yourself

Hadenoughnow

Thanks a lot for the answer, I'll be checking out the links. I hadn't realised that previous cohabitation counted as well. How annoying. I've only known him for 5 years, but we lived together - more or less (500 miles apart) - before marriage and house, in rented accommodation.

If only I'd never married him. I always said that I didn't need to marry and didn't want children, and have always been completely independent, and when I did marry it meant something very special to me. Forsake all others, better and for worse, till death does part, and all of that.

I feel like such a fool!

Khaythora,

Should have picked up before that you are in Scotland. Rules here differ ... If you post your financial info make sure peeps know you are in Scotland .. and look in the library (Scotland) for specific info re your situation. www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Frequently-Ask...il-partnerships.html

Hadenoughnow

If you decide to divorce see a family lawyer as soon as possible to find out where you stand and what your options are. Under Scots law there is no particular provision for short marriages. Matrimonial property is the assets, excluding inheritances and gifts, accrued solely or jointly between the dates of marriage and separation. Cohabitation before marriage isn't a factor.

As far as the matrimonial home is concerned normally assets acquired before marriage which become incorporated into family assets would be considered matrimonial property. However, if the marriage was no longer than two years each party may claim back what they put in.