Living in Denial

Been together 25 yrs, married 15 years, two kids 14 and 10.

They have been at it for 3 years now, she worked for him. Last year he went and opened up new company – she started working for him again early this year (I only found out about 2 months ago via a friend)

Chucked him out 3 weeks ago (I already knew he had started to rent a mansion somewhere, he didn’t know I knew ) twice the size of where we live ! He tells me wants to comes back says didn’t realise till that moment how much he did love me. We talk lots, I accept my mistakes as well – mostly pushing him away for some time because of an earlier affair and going into bankruptcy when I didn’t know there was any problems.

We talk talk talk – he says if we had talked this much in the past none of it would have happened. He Loves me, wants to come home, will be home soon. He can end it.

Very next week he away on business in USA – takes her !! – I ignore it ( used to doing that after so long – numbness, denial etc
Texts all the time, missing me, can’t wait to come back, missing and loves kids etc etc

He returns to his house, we see each other, still wants to come home, but wants to do it “right” – make sure I can forgive him and start afresh because he does not want things to be how they were, he wants time to ensure I can forgive him.

Find out he and She are to host a barbeque party at his house next week – all his friends invited. I only find out via a secret "contact" in his circle of co-conspiritors

That’s it in a nutshell although lots of info inbetween - Why oh Why can’t I let go of him - why oh why does he pretend that he wants to carry on. Is he trying to do things “in stages” because he thinks I am so weak and pathetic – I am very weak at the moment, not really eaten for a month – lost nearly 2 stones and I was slim to start with- now skeletal –
Why can I not wake myself up and accept that I am going to have to put an end to my own marriage, I don’t want to, but it will kill me if I carry on letting him play this game with me – why is he doing it this way. Why each time he comes to see me he can convince me that he does want us to work out, but then I get news of yet something else he has done that does not prove it. Why does a silly text from him make me feel better.

Sorry having a very baaaaaad day - need desparately to find some strength, need to tell kids something soon before they find out by accident.

Read your post and felt sorry for you and wanted to send you on some strength... very difficult situation but I think you already know that you need to cut ties with this man as he is causing you nothing but pain. Yes you have been with him a long time and yes you have children together but he is showing you zero respect and so as a result your self esteem is down the toilet and then he gets away with showing you more disrespect than any woman deserves...

He has had affairs and is having another one now and so you know in your heart that he will continue this pattern and I think you deserve better than him..

It is very scary going out on your own but you can do it.. it takes time and hurts like hell but believe me it is better than what you are doing now in so far as you are putting your life on hold and waiting for his scraps of kindness... and more importantly he knows you are and so feels in control of you and all around him...

I hope you can see things for yourself... very hard but focus on what is best for you as that will be what is automatically best for your children...

Maybe by finding that inner strength to say enough is enough you will start to feel better about yourself and be able to move on...

Wish you all the luck in the world and hope you feel stronger soon.

cake and eat it comes to mind and protecton of finances of course , just get rid

Your words of support do mean so much - thank you
I do know what I have to do deep down I suppose - some of the stuff I blame myself for, pushing him away and him having to find something outside of us - but the lengths he has gone to is extreme and very cruel - but looking around this site, its common for the betrayed to blame themselves when they should not.

I am very isolated We live in a little village,not worked for three years ( he asked me to become home-keeper!) I also have very few friends now. All his busines, collegues, customers, staff know her as his partner and know nothing of the promises he gives to me here. I have lost all friends as they were ones I inherited from him as this his home area, not mine. Also regarding finances - he transferred all his Company shares to her name last year. He thinks I'm stupid but one thing I am is a very good investigator.

I'll try to gather strength to do what I need to, I used to think I was carrying on for the kids sake to keep daddy at home, but if i get ill from it all, you are right they will ultimately suffer.

I will be back here again, I have many times in the past just read peoples posts and it has made things a little easier to bear,
Thank you

Rewob, I don't have any great words of advice for you, i'm pretty messed up myself at the moment, but just wanted to let you know that i completely understand what you mean about struggling to accept its over and letting go. When you've been with someone for so long (you 25yrs, me 20yrs)it feels almost impossible to give up. Others have said that the time will come when you know it's over, but it doesn't feel like that to me! My wife only left 2 weeks ago so i know it's all very raw, but i woke up this morning after thinking about her & her new man all night and decided that i'd had enough - we were finished & i need to start accepting that. This evening i picked my daughter up from my wife and just cuddled my wife & blubbed like a baby. I felt such a weak, pathetic idiot, but just couldn't help it. My head telling me I hate her, my heart telling me i love her.
Basically what i'm trying to say in my waffly way is that i know how confused you feel, and you're not alone in having a messed up head. I really feel for you.
The only advice I would give is to look after yourself - try and eat, because you won't be any good for your kids if you end up in hospital,
Take care, jxr

Thks jxr-Jxr,
yes its hell, back and forth in your mind. I feel for you also, I understand everything you feel. I knew most of the time my husband was having his affair of 3 years, but the last few weeks have still felt raw - finally facing it properly.

Yesterday I felt quite calm about everything as I had made my final decision - even got round to telling my mum everything as up till now she knew nothing - bless her cotton socks 1st thing she said was "now, you are eating dear"" - she's 72. It meant that in my head I had accepted what I had to do otherwise I would never had let her know.
I managed to keep everything in and not take the whole thing up with my husband until after son done his first GCSE, and really wish I could keep something going until my Daugh does her 11+ in september - but my husband brings it to our doorstep and don't know whether to move forward and tell the kids (not whole truth, just we have few probs and Dad needs some time on own sort of thing) or risk them finding out by accident - like seeing him out and about when up till now said he was away on business yet again. My Daughter already calls him hi-bye. I want to move on now or I may waiver but don't want my Daugh schooling screwed either balanced with the risk of them finding out etc etc. Plus there will always be yet another reason for putting things off, another GCSE, after Xmas, Birthday etc etc

It could have been me writing this, I really do know exactly what your going through, my husband left the FH (after 23 yrs together married 21), 3 wks ago, he told me he was leaving saturday over lunch, I tried all day sunday to try and change his mind, he told our 3 children (20,17,13) on monday within 10 minutes of walking through the door from the office and was gone 15 mins later. I've had good, bad, sad, and angry days but am led to believe that this is all part of the healing process.

As for me, I've come to realise that I can't carry on living this lie, constantly wondering if he is working late or away,a leopard never changes it's spots, so if he's done it once he will do it again (mine did, although he swore he never would).

What i will say is that my children - although older than yours have handled it remarkably well, children adapt very well to change, as long as you are strong and taking care of yourself,

I do feel that my life is only going to get better from now, although it feels a long way off.

I'm sure yours will be better too in the long run. Stay Strong.