Trying to be brave!!

Hi there,
I've just found this site when I googled "How to tell your husband you're leaving" and you look like the kind of people that can understand me and possibly help me.

I have been married for 9 years and have a 7 year old son by my husband. I also have 2 children by a previous relationship, a 17 year old daughter and a 14 year old son.

My husband has never really accepted my elder children and will always side with our son in any disputes. I know this is difficult not to do but he makes it so obvious that my friends have even had words with him about it. As you can imagine has caused problems, especially as they have got older and have begun to answer back, I feel constantly torn.

Another more serious problem began about 3 years ago. He became suddenly very secretive and would stay up to the early hours of the morning "working" on the computer. Several times I found porn that he had downloaded and was aware that he was viewing it and relieving himself. Also he was visiting swinging websites and using the webcam to let other people watch him masturbate. I was fairly certain that it was a 2 way exchange and that he was having cyber sex with strangers. This was confirmed when I accessed his live messenger account and found a list of about 20 names, women and men that he was communicating with in this way. When confronted, he admitted everything and agreed to get help.

He briefly saw a hypnotherapist and then a sex councillor, but I am certain that he still does it as if I come down to use the toilet in the night he quickly turns of the computer and tries to cover himself.

We have only had intercourse once during this time when I was trying to make an effort for the children, but it made me feel physically sick. If he touches me I get an instant mental image of him sitting in this chair pleasuring himself whilst a host of strangers watch.

I am at the end of my tether and have secretly saved enough money to move out with the children. I have found a property to rent and am about to sign the tennancy agreement. I'm certain that he is completely unaware of this and I just don't know how I am going to tell him.

Any ideas on the best approach would be gratefully received.

Very difficult. I would say, get everything sorted so you can go then just tell him. You don't want to be hanging around in the same house with him begging you to stay because you haven't got anywhere to go. But the sooner you can be open about your decision the better.

Clearly part of you doesn't want to hurt him so I would consider the following:

Don't do it by having an affair because you can't just tell him, which is what a lot of women do.

Try to look out for him and make sure he has friends and relatives to support him, as it will be a difficult time. It is much harder for men than for women to find a ready circle of friends to support them.

Think carefully about the damage it will do to him and perhaps to your son if his friends, family or colleagues find out about his porn/webcam problem - consider whether the two of you can agree some other grounds for divorce if (once he's had a chance to calm down, perhaps) he can be reasonably co-operative.

Let him have fair access to his son - boys need their fathers to be a significant part of their lives.

Remember that your son is less likely to be damaged by the divorce if you can build a friendship with your ex and behave nicely to each other. That is most likely to happen if the divorce is fair, both financially and in terms of access.

As far as possible try to agree as much as you can between yourselves without recourse to solicitors. They tend to make their money by stirring up animosity in these situations.

Hope that helps. As for telling him, you've got to just find a time and say it to him, face to face, in a grown-up way.

Jack808

Your reply is one of the most sensible that I have come across in all my time here........

dd