Introduction

Hello, My name is David and I have recently separated from my wife. Even though we have not started the divorce, I feel that is where we are headed. I did not cheat on my wife (or vice versa), I did not physically abuse her, I'm not a drinker or drug user. She just said that she no longer loves me and that she feels that we are in a loveless marriage. We tried counseling, but she feels like that did not help or change matters. we do not have any kids, so I guess that is one thing that makes our separation easier. I can't even imagine going through this if we had kids. I feel lost, lonely, and have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Things do not look very promising for me right now. I keep telling myself that it will take time to heal, but in the short-term it is very difficult.

Hi David

You didn't ask for help so I hope I'm not being too forward here. But I hear the hopelessness in your post even though you are saying you need to give it time.

What else might you do? Well, don't give up on the chance that a reconciliation might happen until divorce papers are issued. Whilst I wouldn't want to give you false hope, periods of separation can give a couple (or your wife in this case) the space to make up her mind for sure - and it might be that she realises what it is she is giving up.

If you haven't already made it clear, make it clear now that you feel she is making a mistake. And then get on with working out what you want to do with the rest of your life - without her. What did you used to enjoy doing before she came into your life? What did you give up which you could now take up? What is your life long passion and what's stopping you realise it now?

Whether you divorce or not, life will be different and the outcome will be largely dependent on you. Make a list of 10 things you can do to make yourself less lost and lonely? If you can't do this, ask your friends and family or a counsellor or coach to help you. You sound like a nice guy who has been floored - but it's up to you to pick yourself up now.

Good luck.

Hi David,

I am a few months ahead of you in that my wife said we had drifted apart and left last September. I have to admit that you have described all that I felt and unfortunately we had a son to consider too (he means the world to me by the way).

In our case the situation has not changed but I have come more to terms with it. I am not an emotional person and found that the emotions were the hardest bit to deal with. I recommend that you find a way to deal with this, in my case my work's occupational health offered counselling which really did help. Talking helps but it helps to have someone say it is not easy rather than all platitudes (it will get better, grass greener etc.) as it is an admission things are not easy.

As Kirsten says it may go one way or the other, don't give up hope but try to look after yourself too!

Joff