21 Years of misery

Hi everyone, I've spent all day reading here as Husband left note this a.m to say he'd be staying away tonight and I feel the time has come to separate. That's not quite the reason as I don't care anymore who he sees but as other posters have remarked about their own H's, he's taken on a new even worse personality since he met whomever.

For the first eleven years, there was another woman in the marriage, married herself she had the gall to phone and congratulate me on the birth of my daughter.That relationship ended (I think) in 1999/2000 as she divorced and I suppose no longer wanted him.

The stress was too much,as we were living in a caravan whilst building our house and as he was so "in Lurve"I had to take over the build management culminating in what I suppose was some sort of breakdown resulting in a seizure. I need to sort this before a similar thing happens again.

I am 62, he is six years younger. I am a partner in one business and he has acquired 3 more since that. so it won't be simple. As I see it he has the capacity to earn whilst I don't. (The businesses are franchised to him)
We've not lived a "proper" marriage for a number of years, living separately within the same house.
My excuses for remaining married have run out. For 21 years it was to protect our daughter, who was in private education, now happy in her vocation and living away.

This latest episode happened suddenly a week ago, when he stopped talking to me, and as I came out of my bedroom heard him telling one of our female managers that he was going to divorce me. This he totally denied. There is of course another woman. I would be happy to live here and he does his own thing, it's the way he is treating me that's intolerable.

If this blows over, he'll go back to normal but I can't live the next few years expecting it to happen again, I'd be 72 then and in a worse place.

I'll be honest in that all I care about is getting a fair deal. Whether a court would look favourably on my situation is debatable. He now has the power and holds the purse strings but it was me who originally provided the money for this house and the knowledge and security to start the business. Don't think it counts though after so long.

Should I petition for unreasonable behaviour? Does him being addicted to the worst Granny pornsites count? The police attended a few years back as his violence in smashing the place up over the porn.

If I petition him, might he react with violence again? Throwing chairs against the glass doors and so on.?

Another thing. I'll be so glad to never see him again, but I love this house. We drew the plans and I love it and so does our daughter when she comes home. Some would say, "pfff bricks and mortar", but I will be devastated to leave.
I would be happy to live here as flatmates really, he could have his love interests and I could do my things, like holidays and friendships.

Speaking of which, I am looking, provided he doesn't stop my monthly drawings,which he's tied in the past, to holiday somewhere this Christmas. Daughter is maybe working and the thought of a love sick H, is too much to bear. What do you think?

So, I'd like to stay. Divorce and selling houses is cash stripping, but to lead separate lives. His love and my friendships. I never want another relationship. But how to achieve that when he won't speak to me?

Reading that back makes me sound a very hard woman. I'm not, but it's time to care of myself.

Searching through the forums today, I've been astounded at the number of men who are devastated by their wife's infidelity and the sadness it's caused. I had no idea. My thoughts go out to you all. In my ignorance, I thought mostly men played away.

Any views are welcome, be as harsh as you wish.
Thanks.

(((enliven)))

No, you are not hard. You appear to be a very realistic, loving, person.

However, do you think the house and businesses are worth suffering for?

May I suggest you take legal advice regarding splitting the assets, perhaps you could keep the home you clearly love and share the businesses?

I know, personally, that it is not easy to divide a joint business, but I firmly believe that you need to sever all association with this person. Your health and wellbeing are far more important than bricks and mortar.

Take care

Duffy1, I'd never thought of that. Sever business ties for the home. Quite how I'd pay the mortgage. I've no idea.
Thankyou for the new slant though.
Thanks. Something to present to the lawyer as a suggestion.