Hello from a good guy in a bad place

Where do I start?

My story is not unusal. I feel almost guilty sharing, many folks have been though so much more but I feel the need of support from good people.

I'm a simple guy that until fairly recently had a great life, two beautiful kids, a partner of seventeen years, a half-decent job and a nice home.

Out of the blue three months ago, my partner announced she wanted to break up as the "spark" had gone. I guess she was right, I won't go into the details but the last couple of years have been tough professionally and health-wise for me and our relationship had become stale. Ironically, those problems are now almost over and I want to rediscover what we had but there's no arguing with her.

We still live under the same roof, she keeps herself apart but we often chat like friends. In some ways this makes things more difficult.

She is doing her best to be fair and has agreed to 50/50 shared parenting of the kids but I am paranoid she will change her mind. I see no way to guarantee this arrangement. Hanging onto the kids is all that keeps me going

She is starting to tidy up our home to sell it. I can't get involved. It feels like I'd be building my own gallows. My only joy is the time I spend with my kids and the thought of being without them even half the time is something terrible.

Over the last few years, my life has become my family. I have defined myself in terms of "Dad", I have few outside friends, this scares me.

I am trying to be proactive, do the right things and take control. I swim daily, spend serious time at the gym, have lost an enormous amount of weight and started with life coaching. Despitre this, I constantly battle depression. I feel my life is at an end and hate that I must spend two hours in the gym just to feel slightly better.

I quite fancy a nervous breakdown and\or anti-depressants but have to keep it together for the kids.

Sorry about being so frickin miserable. Probably entirely too much detail to dump on you but it's been cathartic.

Well that's my introduction,

Hello from Rowlf

rowlf

Welcome to Wiki, though as always sorry that you find yourself here. You have come to the right place for help and support.

What you are describing is completely normal for the situation you are in. Many of us have been exactly where you are, many are still there.

Dont think that by seeing your doctor and discussing anti depressants you are letting yourself down. Many of us are or have been on anti depressants. They are there to help you through a very bad time. For me all they have been is a coping mechanism, they bring to to a point where you can manage. You still have bad days, you still have the wide range of emotions but you can cope with them better.

Remember rowlf small steps. Im sure there will be lots of others with words of encouragement.

Take Care

xx

Hi Rowlf

Anti-depressants helped me through the very bad patch when my husband left me. They don't make you happy but they do enable you to function better.

You are doing all the right things, but it will take time before you feel better.

If you feel your marriage can't be saved, you could petition for divorce which will give you a bit more control over proceedings than if your wife does. Your 50:50 care of the children can be agreed and settled legally.

Pop into chat if you want some instant support, ask questions ont he forums or just start a new thread or blog if you want to unburden.

Nell

Hi Nell \ Asram,

Thanks for your support, it means a lot that others have been where I am and have come through so admirably.

Unfortunately, my partner and I aren't married. From what I've read this makes separating a great deal simpler and more difficult.

I will need a Parental Responsibility Agreement sorted before I have any rights as a father whatsoever. As long as things don't change, that shouldn't be a problem but petitioning for divorce is out of the question .

I'm trying really hard to avoid anti-depressants but it's going to be very difficult.

My hope is that enormous amounts of exercise will not only stave off depression but also improve my self-image and make me irresistable to members of the opposite sex (I'm probably wrong about this last bit).

I'll drop into chat sometime soon but I can be a bit shy sometimes. I'll also try to hang out on the forums without being miserable, but that one i definite can't promise.

Just getting your messages today has lifted my mood a bit.

Thanks.

Rowlf

xx

Hi rowlf

You are doing positive things believe it or not by exercising and doing things to distract yourself, and focusing on your kids is great too.

Just take each day as it comes, I too have battled against being depressed and each one of us has a strength such carries us through the bad times, your source comes from your children.

About the 50:50 responsibility, I would suggest putting it in writing, rather than rely on a verbal promise, if you both sign the copies, when you go to court, it will show that she agreed to the arrangements.

Keep coming to wiki for a source of support

Take care

Epyon

Hi Epyon,

Thanks for the very sensible advice. It's a comforting thought that "each one of has a source strength to carry us through", I'll try and hang on to it.

I must admit, despite reading around this site I've no idea how to formalise the childcare agreement in my situation.

Much of the advice suggests that no formal court involvement is necessary or even desirable. Personally, I'd much rather some sort of formal agreement.

We've not quite reached that stage yet but I would love to know the best way of handle it.

Rowlf

Rowff

Is your name on your children's birth certs? Were they born after 2003?