new to this forum

Hi I wanted to introduce myself and ask for general advice.

I'm 40 and my wife is 34.
We've been married nearly 6 years (wedding anniversary on 16th August) and have known each other for nearly 9 years.

We don't have children.

Just over a year ago I noticed a change in our relationship, my wife had started to go out more and phone to say she would be staying at a friends as she missed the last train.

This started to happen more frequently.

She also tended to be more tired at weekends.

I became suspicious and one sunday afternoon when she had fallen asleep I decided to look at her mobile phone. There were lots of texts on there that gave the impression of having an affair.

I have questioned her several times if she was seeing someone but this has always been denied. The texts were explained as "just a friend"

I haven't really believed her and I think that things have slowly got worse between us. This morning we had a row and she has said it's over and she wants to separate.

I have tried talking to her many times to say how I feel and get some feedback but she is never very responsive, I have suggested marriage guidance but she doesn't want to know. I'm not sure what else to do. I do really want to save our marriage but she seems unwilling to also want to work at putting things right.

Sorry for long post but I wanted to see if anyone has any other ideas and suggestions.

NC1

Firstly, sorry that you find yourself in this situation, and welcome to wikiD

Secondly, unfortunately what you have described is a very familiar scenario to a lot of people here, and fits perfectly into the 'type' of scenario that almost certainly points to an affair of some sort - sorry to be harsh, but that is my take on it.

Having been on this site almost a year now, and finally divorced, I believe that if she doesn't want to talk about it, has revealing texts on her mobile ( I bet that she'll either wipe them out or lock her mobile from now on), denies it, and you have had proof - ie. staying out etc, then she has decided that she doesn't want to be in the marriage. Strangely, you don't mention if she is remorseful or aggressive when you try and talk - if the latter, then she's, in my mind, moved on.

Remember it only takes 1 of the people to destroy a marriage, but 2 to make it work.

If she doesn't want to go to Relate etc, then quite frankly I would ask her directly 'do you want to separate/divorce?' - it's the hardest thing you'll have to ask her, but at least that way your mind isn't going to be screwed up with all sorts of thoughts to which you don't have the answer. You could of course go to Relate yourself to gain insight into how to approach the subject/deal with it

Next, if she does want a D prepare yourself for a very hard period, because I can tell you D is crap - you may notice her turning really vicious and nasty towards you (again a classic reaction where she tries to put her guilt on you by implying that you made her have the affair etc)you may feel 'how could I have prevented it, or, what did I do wrong?' - in short, you aren't the one who did anything wrong - she did, so try not to blame yourself for it - it happens to the best of us all the time

If you have children - remember that they are the most important people here - it's not their fault and they should never be used as pawns

I may not have helped at all, but maybe I've given you something to think about - as will many others on this site

Please keep on posting, we're all here to help/share

take care

dd

thanks for your reply.

I did go to relate on my own and found it helpful just to talk to someone else.

Things have been much better this week but I am in a dilema this weekend and I'm not sure what to do.

My OH had told me earlier in the week that we need some time apart to think about what we really want. I was ok about the idea.

She told me that she is going to see her friend and stay at her friends Mums house in bournemouth.

All i asked was for a phone call to say she had got there ok.

It is now nearly 8pm. There has been no phone call.

I have found from looking at the internet history that she may have booked a hotel there.

I'm not sure whether I believe her story of being with her friend or not now. I'm wondering whether to go down there and try and possibly catch her?

no i would not

as it won't resolve the lack of trust you need to be very careful

if she is having an affair she has betrayed you, plain and simple

with a heavy heart get out of that relationship

however

[1] she could be delaying things in order to leave at a more convenient momment.....she is making plans


[2] she could be seeing her friend

[3] seeing her lover

[4] or just being by herself


if she unwilling to talk, then write her a long letter explaining what you feel, and what you think her perspective is

dont't give it to her!

wait and see when she returns if she is willing to talk, if not then give her the letter...human nature being what it is, she is more likely to read it surreptiously whilst denying she has

if the above elicits no change, offer of counselling etc then you hav done your best to salvage things

it may help to ask her if she is seeing someone, for petition purposes and for peace of mind, in a bizare way if she is although massively painful you will know that she was not the 'one'

all things considered it's crappy if she is and crappy if she isn't and wants out

Nc

If you do go down there and catch her what will you do? I caught my ex with the guy she was having an affair with. At tht time All I could think of to say was 'Why'. She turned round and said 'why do you think'. I didn't know why then and I still don't know now.

What I do know now is I am better off without her. If someone you have loved and trusted for years starts behaving like that there is very little you can do to salvage the situation and you can go round in circles looking for answers that you will never find.

All the best

S

Yes, I feel as though if I did go there it would take over 2 hours to drive and then what?

I feel confused sometimes but I feel we have made progress since I first posted on here, she has told me several times that she is definately not having an affair, so I feel as though if she was she is being very good at hiding it.

I did get a call to say she is there ok.

Thanks for your replies.