Me again! Take a look at this please.
Taken from elsewhere on this site, somewhing to think about Jim?
Re:Hello from a good guy in a bad place 1 Day, 3 Hours ago
Hi Rowlf,
I've been through a lot of the same stuff so I think I can give you some advice. I'll start by saying that, when my wife decided to end it a couple of years ago, it really did seem like the end of the world for me. I'll say now I was suicidal. But now I'm a better, stronger person in so many ways and really really happy in myself whilst still being able to be a great Daddy (probably a better one than I ever could have been before) to my little girl. I would never go back for the world.
First, there appear to be two parts to your situation - your well-being and the situation with your kids. I'll start with the first one - it comes first because 'a happy daddy is a good daddy'. You need to feel positive about yourself in order to sort the other parts of the situation out in the best way you can. You need to accept, and start looking forward.
Firstly, accept. It's tough, tough love Rowlf, but it's true. Your wife has obviously not shown you the unconditional loyalty implicit in the marriage contract and things won't go back to being the same as they were before. If you're refusing to accept that and grovelling around on your knees (not saying you are) for her to change her mind you'll just make the situation worse and demean yourself in the process. You'll also stop yourself from beginning to make positive decisions about your future. Also, sooner or later (hate to say it) there'll be another bloke or blokes on the scene and if you're still failing to accept the situation and that will be awful, but if you you accept things now then you really will be able to take that in your stride (trust me, I've done it). I'd say try to push things forward with the house because it's very difficult to start rebuilding in those circumstances as you'll just be in a sort of limbo.
Accept, accept, accept.
Remember you are a good, strong, loyal and intelligent person and you have achieved a lot and survived a lot in life already - that's because of who you are, not because of your wife. The thing about not having many friends is very common, I'm afraid - women tend to find it easy to hook up with a support network of friends who will give (often not very helpful) advice and support. For men it is difficult and most of us tend to be quite isolated. Fact is divorce teaches you that not that many people actually give a monkey's fart about you in this world, so you've got to help yourself. You certainly don't need troops of friends - if you've got a couple of good friends or family members that's brilliant and it's really all you need. I also found that, when I was in the gutter, some of my friends really helped me and some really let me down and even stabbed me in the back. At the time it was terrible, but now I'm glad of it, because I know the friends I have got are really my friends and the ones who I'm no longer friends with were never my friends anyway and I'm thankful that my divorce showed me that!
Next (and this was the thing that really turned everything around for me) get dating. You've more or less admitted that the gym thing is basically to do with being attractive to women and that's really positive, so go with it. After all those years of misplaced loyalty, you can start having some fun again - yes! And you'll be needing a woman's touch in the long run, believe me. But you're probably not going to do much pulling in the gym or supermarket as you've said you're shy, or indeed amongst your small pool of friends or at work, which is messy and embarrassing anyway. Also, unless you've got a band of laddish mates (which you haven't) and you're prepared to get drunk and waste money hanging around dodgy bars every weekend, then that route is best avoided. No, you need to have a look at internet dating, like half the population nowadays.
Going on Guardian Soulmates was the best thing I ever did. You can be very discreet about your picture, etc. and basically you can just chat to women (thousands of whom are in a similar situation to yourself, have similar baggage, similar imperfections and similarly realistic expectations of a possible relationship). You can just chat to people by email, learn to talk to girls again and build up your confidence generally. And my God it's EXCITING! You'll just be wanting your wife out of the way so you can go and check your mailbox each day! Then you'll start wanting to go on a date or two and you'll be feeling even more excited, buying new clothes, going to the hairdressers, practising your smile and charm and confronting any body-image issues you might have head-on - brilliant! I'm no god but I went out on about fifteen dates in the space of about eight months and it changed my life. A couple were with fat girls who'd misrepresented themselves in their profiles and that was embarrassing, but actually quite hilarious in retrospect! The rest were all with pretty decent girls, the majority divorced or separated (you'll get on better with those since girls your age without kids are likely to be ticking time-bombs and not sympathetic to your situation) and I had some fun, although often slightly edgy, adrenaline inducing evenings out. I was still co-habiting with my wife for half that time and I was quite open about that and at least one of the girls I dated was in the exact same position, so don't let that put you off either. In the end I had a bit of casual sex with a couple of them, which I wouldn't change for the world. Then ten months ago I met a sexy, gentle, clever divorced pharmacist called Sarah and we've been together since. We've fallen in love and we have some very exciting times together and she's got a little girl too who gets on wit mine like a house on fire. But we don't live together so I get all the fun and excitement of a relationship and all the love and affection I need, but I also get to be a Super Dad for half the week and to have my own space free from nagging, clutter, etc which is better than I ever had before. From the moment I met Sarah any remaining dependence on my wife disappeared, and that has put me in a strong position in so many ways.
And no, I don't work for the Guardian!
Now for your childcare situation. I see my little girl for a couple of hours most days and I have her overnight twice a week, which is just about perfect for me. It's all quality time so I get to be the best Dad I can possibly be, whereas before, to be honest, it was a struggle and I just wanted her out of my face half the time! I also get to have a lot of freedom and be fulfilled in my own life, which means I am a happy daddy and therefore a good daddy. She is a very happy, secure, clever little girl and she gets the best of her Mummy too, I think. So what I'm saying is I honestly believe our divorce has worked out in my little girl's best interests in the long run, as well as my own.
It took me a long while to get there, though, particularly as my wife is quite unpredictable and far less calm and reasonable than yours has so far been, based on what you say. Basically the best thing is to be the best Daddy you possibly can and try to work with your wife, but know your rights and keep your powder dry in case she turns unreasonable and you do need to go to court.
Fathers tend to be at a disadvantage in the family courts and there are all sorts of spurious arguments (his visits upset me, going to their father's will confuse them and disrupt their routine) which mothers can put forward to get what they want. Going to court is expensive. It sets a bad example to your kids in terms of how grown-ups resolve their problems. And solicitors are often unscrupulous profiteers who make their money by stirring up animosity and disputes and by egging their clients on to make unfair demands. So, if your wife is behaving reasonably and allowing you fair access, be cautious about rocking the boat.
That said, if you can get the 50/50 thing in writing without a battle, perhaps through
mediation, then do it, since it could change. I never got anything like that and occasionally my ex will flare up (usually if our daughter has been difficult with her and she wants someone to blame!) and threaten to change the arrangements. However, my consistently calm and positive behaviour and my obvious suitability as a father put me in a strong position and it usually blows over. I've been keeping a diary of everything I do with our little girl, her behaviour and routine and any erratic behaviour from my wife, for the last year and you should do the same in case it ever comes to court and mud starts getting slung around. It will also help you establish a pattern of access, which puts you in a good position legally. Take advice and know how you would proceed if you had to, but don't do it so long as you can get what you want through friendliness and and co-operation.
And I wouldn't bother with the anti-depressants if you've got this far without them, although I would say, if you're having sleepless nights, get some pills from the doctor for that, but only use them when you have to.
Most of all, accept and look forward. This whole situation is a much more positive thing for you than you could imagine at the moment, but it'll come.
Hope that helps.
