Hi. Wife decided she moves out is only option.

Not really sure what to write...but here goes.

We were both married previously (not to each other!)and got married 6 years ago (just had anniversary if you can believe it).

She has two kids from prev marriage, girl nearly 20 and lad 17 who live with us 100%.I have one girl aged almost 14 from prev marriage who stays with us 50% of the time.

Everyone gets on 'okayish' except me and stepdaughter. Nothing in particular, we just don't really 'click'.

We have been arguing over many petty things over the past few years (symptom not cause) and it has got to the stage where we have had enough. We had relationship counselling together for 2 years up to just over a year ago and feel we have tried everything.

The crux seems to be that she thinks I treat her daughter 'unfairly' ("I always bring daughter into arguments"). I feel she has over-compensated for her daughter and made her into a selfish, inconsiderate person. (My W's first husband was an alcoholic and serial adulterer who has 'starved' his children of love and affection. He brings SD to tears on virtually every phone call).

I think the final straw came when I said yesterday the only way to sort this out was for my wife to change her treatment of her daughter or for her daughter to move out. She is planning to move out in 6m anyway to be with her boyfriend. I honestly can't see any other way forward.

My W says that if she stays she will forever resent me for forcing her daughter out.

I feel that over the years I have had no say in her daughter's upbringing (even if I think it affects the other members of our family) which has made me feel that my views have been completely ignored. My W feels that I have 'picked on' her daughter.

As far as I can see, the problem is not between me and my step-daughter, it is between me and my wife.

I honestly believe my W would do anything for her daughter and sod the consequences.

I have suggested many times that the three of us should try and discuss the situation (either between ourselves or with a counsellor) but her daughter never wanted to and her mum never really encouraged her to.

She says she loves me and I love her, but to be honest, with everything that has gone on over the last few years I am not sure if the love has been slowly chipped away and is gone.

Feel like I've written too much now

Paul

The crux seems to be that she thinks I treat her daughter 'unfairly' ("I always bring daughter into arguments"). I feel she has over-compensated for her daughter and made her into a selfish, inconsiderate person. (My W's first husband was an alcoholic and serial adulterer who has 'starved' his children of love and affection. He brings SD to tears on virtually every phone call).

This is a really telling paragraph as it suggests that neither of you have much compassion for the other person's dilemma. From a distant observer's perspective;
(a) it is very understandable that you have struggled to establish a working relationship with an adolescent girl who is probably very damaged by her earlier experiences.
(b) it is very understandable that your wife feels overly protective of her child who clearly has been damaged by her earlier experiences
(c) your step-daughter is at an age where she is unlikely to want to reflect on her own behaviour, or stop blaming the adults in her life. This may come later.

Instead of trying to work out whose fault it is (because lets face it, lots of the groundwork for these problems were laid long before your marriage), can you not be more focussed on a solution.

Can you let go of the idea of trying to correct your wife's parenting? She doesn't seem to have listened to your suggestions so far, so why assume it's going to be any different. Can you take a step back, and let her make what you believe is a mistake, but love and support her anyway - particularly knowing how difficult it is for a parent to try and mend past hurts.

Can you take a step back from your relationship with your step-daughter. Just reduce your interaction with her, think of her as a boarder. If she's goign to move out in a few months anyway, can you not find a way to put your head down and put up with it?

Can you ask your wife to just understand how difficult it is for you, and that your stuck because you can't magically fix the relationship.

Without trying to 'fix' things, understanding the difficulty from the other person's perspective can often go a long way to being able to accept challenging situations.

Most of us would do anything for our children, particularly if they have been damaged, and sod the consequences. I certainly would put mine before any partner. Wouldn't you?

Sadie

Hi

I think that Elvis-fan's advice is spot-on

dd

Seconded.

Listen to Elvis Fan...