So upset - my wife has gone forever

Hi all. I'm crying as I write this so please bare with me if I ramble. To be honest I don't know what I'm asking I just need to get this out.

My wife and I separated 2 months ago - she moved in with her mum as she needed space to decide what she wanted from life which she's not happy with - she said she just needed time to work things out. She was under a lot of pressure, having been promoted 10 months ago to a high pressure but highly paid job which to be honest she felt out of her depth with, we were trying for kids and on the second round of fertilization treatment that didn't work and the next step was IVF. We've also drifted because we were so stressed with work but not to the point where we neglected to say that we loved each other every day. I also have a high pressure (but not that well paid) job which also placed pressure on the marriage as I would come home for work emotionally and mentally drained some nights.

I'm 44 my wife is 34, although in our attitudes, goals and the way we look together you wouldn't notice much difference in ages. We've been together 13 years, married for 6 and up to 6 - 9 months ago were really in love, I still am and very possibly will be until the day I die. She is the most special person I have ever met, so kind and wonderful inside and very beautiful outside. I always felt so blessed to be with her.

We did everything as a couple, a unit, holidays, nights out, nights in with friends, nights on the town, skiing and walking; laughed and cried together and in my view only a few months ago were bullet proof.

Today my wife has said its over and we're going to divorce, all the things that made us the couple we were has gone for her and although she says she respects more than any other man she needs a new life, one without me. She also said she is not in love with me but does love me (if that makes sense)and knows that she very possibly will regret this for the rest of here life. But she said she can never feel the way about me that she did before - that side of her is dead, shes changed.

I keep trying to work out where I went wrong, I am a really loving person and placed her at the centre of my world, but for years she loved that about me. I was faithful, supported her, loved her, made her dinner every night, did my bit around the house and held her when she needed me. But she's now gone - and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I know I will, I have too and I am already making plans to move on. But I'm struggling to see how can I cope with the pain. I've tried antidepressants and had really bad side effects, but I am blessed with a handful of really close frieds who love me and I them. I'm moving in one tonight for a few days as I can't stay in the house.

I'm also so scared that I now will be alone for the rest of my life.

I'm very sorry to read this, rather reminds me of the old Everley Brothers song, probably before your time, ' So sad to watch good love go bad '.

I don't normally play the part of an agony aunt on wiki, I'm more involved with helping on financials.

It seems to be you are in the grieving stage of relationahip breakdown and at the moment it's a little premature to be thinking too much of the future.

On the basis of what you say, I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to write off your marriage. It was obviously a good one, and you don't throw that away without a very good reason. I think it is at least possible that you may be able to patch it up.

In your situation I would hang on in there. It's much too early to be thinking in terms of new relationships. That day may come and probably will. But at the moment you will be emotionally off balance and decisions made under stress tend to be bad.

It does get better, believe me. What I had to put up with is much worse than yours and I came out of it stronger if a little poorer, and with a lot of experience. You have a lot to offer someone. But not just yet. Anyway that's my view.

Good luck

Mike

Hi Mike. Thanks for your reply. If it was up to me I'd fight for the marriage and sign up to counselling right away, my wife say's she doesn't want to fight for us, its over. For me it was the best 13 years of my life and even though its ended like this, I'd do it all again for the wonderful times we had.

You're right of course, I am in the grieving stage and won't do anything too rash myself.

Hi All.

I've started a thread in the relationships section for this as it may get more hits. Hope I haven't contravened site policy if so my apologies mods, please feel free to delete.

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...e-future.html#135772

Me I separated in February this year, she did very much the same thing as you wife

I too cried my eyes out every day until several months ago until I reached understanding...of what went wrong

I still do when I think of what was lost and how much love there was

Sir,

I went through similar emotions that you are going roughly in this order each lasted a few weeks

[1] shock
[2] more shock
[3] horror
[4] betrayal
[5] anger
[6] understanding
[7] anger
[8] betrayal and understanding

I will venture my thoughts if they are any help to you

I dealt with it in the following way

[1] arranged to see a counsellor weekly (and still do) within a few weeks of the break.....friends and family will reach the limit of [your] need to analyse / understand what has happened and your desire to discover if there is anything left to salvage

(They will naturally take your side as will her friends with her which if solely occurs can impede your understanding of her psychology/actions.)

(They will also want to see you move on as quickly as possible...why?

it pains them to see you in pain

they do not want you to 'waste' any more time on someone who has not communicated with you, hurt you so much etc)

You on the other hand will very much want to understand why she has behaved this way and whether it is an aberration or a genuine descision (and hence the horror and shock)on her part..i.e not a spur of the momment I could change my mind later thing


[2]I started to skill myself up by buying and reading relationhip books.....wish I had done that years ago

[3] I zonked out completely paralytic on the couch for several months, constantly analysing, synthesising and finaly holistically integrating the insights I had into the relationship....rather than burying myself in work and avoiding the pain...I lived and breathed it (no medication) until it ebbed away.

[4] lost a tremendous amount of weight

[5] started about a month ago to start working out, gym etc
healthy body...healthy mind......started to feel good about myself...really good.....she's noticed too....but that's another story



what have I understood that may be of help to you?
(if i say 'you' below I also mean 'I')

[1] you blended with her, became one with her, were intimate, trusting and honest......she on the hand may have done so as well but only to some extent i.e not as deeply as you...why?.....for her to react the way she has....she has been psychologically/spiritually distancing herself from you for some time....and not let you know....hence the shock, horror, betrayal and sense of anger......she has been deceptive (doesn't matter if it was for 'good reasons') that it has come as a shock to you indicates that she hid that which she was supposed to share....her innermost self...implicit in a marriage and the vows that are taken reagardless of which religion you belong to or not

Regardless of whether she feels her actions are justified.....maybe they are, she has betrayed the spirit of the union of marriage by not sharing these feelings with you a long time ago

Dare I say you feel that you were not given a chance to assuage her pain/angusih/doubt/feelings that led to this?

[2] By leaving and saying the things she has said, she implicitly is blaming you for the break up....at no point have you indicated she has taken any responsiblity herself for the situation that has come about....I suggest that were she to do so then implicitly the bud of a new relationship could emerge.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship, but only 1 to destroy it.

Instead you indicate she was telling you she loved you right up until the momment she left ( as did mine....highly deceptive...lying)

By saying to you "all the things that made us the couple we were has gone for her and although she says she respects more than any other man she needs a new life, one without me"

ditto for me

and she may regret it

ditto for me

she implicitly reduces what to you was a psychic/spiritual bond to merely an emotional one....hence more betrayal and shock.

[3]. You thought of her as you spiritual equal....her actions indicate immaturity, selfishness and ingratitude.....why?

[a] she could have told you how she was feeling long ago...even if it was just nagging doubts....especially if it was nagging doubts
she could have offered to discuss it with you, see a marriage counsellor and made a genuine effort to reconnect
[c] she could have offered to give to time together to prepare for the eventuality of a separation ,practically, materially and financially so it was not such a shock......and held your hand through

in essence all the hallmarks of a spiritually mature response along the lines of "I love you, I cannot live with you because of x,y,z but will always care for you and will show my caring for you in my actions and behaviour at this difficult time that has now come to pass despite both of our best efforts, who knows what the future will bring"

all things which I am sure you would have done were the situation reversed, though I am sure you would never have envisaged her not loving you, or you her.

so you have discovered that the girl you thought you loved.....isn't the quite the one you thought her to be


somewhere along the line you (and that includes me in my case) stopped seeing who she was / was becomming and persisted in a rose tinted view...reality was replaced by imagination......

what now?

[1]you may still love her, I do though not in the same way.
I don't trust her like I did and am prepared to defend myself ...read my moniker
I realise she places too great a value on emotion and too little a value on love.....and redemption.
[2]do explore whether it is possible to reconcile...if ony to give yourself the peace of having tried.....ponder on her reactions to this
[3]slowly, painfully, start living your own life, if you can physically transform by getting in shape..think brad pitt, mathew mconahay.....and I mean really good shape do so

... not to get her back...though you will indulge in such dreams....but having a tight, ripped body does wonders for your mental and spiritual health.

[4] try and piece together what went wrong, if she is open to discussing it all the better, if not sift through your memories and read those relationship books to try and decode / discover what she was actually thinking, you may not get 100% but 50%,75% is better than almost no understanding.

[5] realise that fundamentally despite all your flaws you are a decent human being, that deserves to be able to give love to another human being honestly and be treated the same......and in that discovery..... mature......into a fully independent ....non-dependent human.....that's pretty rare but defintely worth being

When I was with her I thought I would not cope if she left/something happened ....I'm still standing....I have faced one of my great fears and am comming out of it a better, more chilled, relaxed and confident man....and she's noticing it as are others.


read other peoples posts here

especialy MARSHY's ...he's got a lot of wisdom......and would be an honor to have as friend

all the best and take care of yourself

Hi

I feel for you - I could be your wife ( I'm not BTW but am in a similar situation).

You are grieving at the moment and all of the other posters are right .
I do have things that I could say , picking up from your post, that may explain things a bit... BUT to be honest it is too soon and I don't think you would cope.
I am so very sorry, take it from a woman who has just left her husband ....... she would not have done this easily and she would have thought about it a great deal. AND she is probably hurting too.