Devestated Daughter

My husband left last Friday to live with someone else, bolt from the blue for us all. Son 19 & daughter 15. Son took it all in his stride, daughter devastated. He sent her a text saturday saying 'thinkinking of you, love you loads'. She didn't reply telling me he can't love her that much to choose another woman over his family. Not heard anything since although son has seen him. At a loss as how to handle this. Do I leave her to come round or push her to contact her dad? Please advise.

Hi Julie,
I also have a 19 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. My wife left us just over a month ago. Not sure if it's typical, but my son is so wrapped up in his own world that I sometimes wonder if he's even noticed! That's probably being a bit harsh, I know it's hurt him, but he really does have his own life to lead with friends, girlfriend etc. As far as my daughter, I am petrified that I'm not going to be able to provide what she needs in terms of emotional support, but I am truly doing my best. In my experience with her, I don't think you can tell your daughter what to do. She is old enough to make her own mind up, and will do so anyway whether you try to push her in one direction or the other. All I have done is make sure I don't bad mouth her Mum (which is not easy when I think what she has done to our family) and I know that she is grown up and sensible enough to form her own opinions. You've just got to make sure you're there for her.
It's a horrible situation to be in, but the three of you will get through it,
Take care
jxr

All i would add to this is dont ignore the sons in these cases. They may not show their emotions in the way the girls do but the hurt is there. Often it is worse to bottle these things up as they have to come out further down the line in one form or another.Often the ones who grieve (cos that is what it is) straight away seem to recover faster.

Reassure both children that you are there for them if they need to talk, rant etc.

Thanks for advice, I can see letting her decide what to do is for the best, but she seems to be bottling her feelings up, staring into space etc. Nothing to be done but be there as you all say. I also take on board your comments re my son, he is trying to be strong for us all I think, I will try and speak to him more often, but I also feel at nineteen he has got his own life and appears to be getting on with it.

Hi Julie - You all must be reeling from the shock. I really feel for you. In my opinion, it's very early days for any of you to be thinking very straight. As the next few weeks unfold, both your son and daughter are likely to be thinking about what's happened and how it's affecting them and you. Your husband may well try to get in touch with them as well.

If possible, I'd suggest making sure you spend regular time doing things with each of them individually, over the next few weeks. Not to talk about things, but to have time together doing something you both enjoy. If you are able to do that, you may find they will speak to you about how they are feeling and ask any questions, without you having to ask them. I also think you should be honest with them about how you are feeling and if there are questions they really need to ask their dad, you should tell them to do so.

For now, please focus on YOU! Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. Do all the things I'm sure you know you should - eat healthily, get some exercise, go to bed at a reasonable hour and spend time with friends and family.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. We will support you as best we can.

Take care, Bon

You cant push anyone to do something they dont want to. Just leave them to sort there own relationship out. Just reinforce the view that you love her and wont leave her. Support her in anything she chooses and defend her wishes if need be. Right they need there mum. Be the mum they need you to be. C.