Dad of 4 being shown the door

Where do I start?

My wife asked me for a separation at the start of last month, a week and a day after I was made redundant from my position as a property solicitor.

We have 4 children ranging from 2yrs to 13 yrs who I love with all my heart. I have been looking after them for the last 18 months or so with the help of childminders to fit around our work having taken flexible working as an alternative to partnership last year just before the housing market crashed. Ultimately my decision to take flexible working made me a prime candidate for selection for redundancy as the firm I worked for was relatively small and I essentially formed a "pool" of my own for selection. I took reduced hours from January and was then made officially redundant at the end of June.

My wife is a professional person working 3 or 4 days per week and is very dedicated to her job which invloves her leaving the house just after 7am and sometimes doesnt return home until after 8pm (often later)

We had been together initially for a couple of years after our first child was born after a few casual nights together. The relationship was a struggle due to money, amongst other things. When we split up to I was absolutely devastated. I struggled to cope with the notion of not bringing up my child. I was not working at the time and couldn't see a way forward. She went back to University, I went to find a training post and the child stayed with her parents. I visited the child on alternate weekends from her and this worked out as well as could be expected. I qualified as a solicitor, She qualified in her profession and took a job near where her parents stayed.

She then took an interest in me again about 3 years later and although I had my reservations we rekindled the relationship. My great fear was that she would end up breaking my heart all over again. Things were great. I moved up to be with her and our child. We bought a house We were both working and happy. We got engaged and then our second child arrived. A few months later we married.

Even before the ceremony I had my doubts as to whether I was doing the right thing. I put this down to nerves. At the wedding I had the feeling that I was a bit of a prop - that it was her wedding and that I was making up the numbers. Again I put these feelings aside as weddings are usually the brides bid day.

After we married things started to change. Our sex life became infrequent. I put this down to pressure of work and body image issues. Our third child arrived 18 months later and things were fine for a while. New babies seem to form a welcome distraction from the problems that seemed to be appearing in the relationship.

After that things turned for the worse. We struggled to agree on pretty much anything and I became increasingly frustrated at being rejected by her. Work and children seemed to consume most of our time and we just solderied on. I was at the point of leaving but in truth I never could have left my children and despite the rejection I always loved her and hoped that things would improve

Or fourth child was born a couple of years later, conceived following a friends marriage almost splitting up. However, following the birth of our 4th child my wife switched off to me. She cold not bring herself to say the 3 magic words and rejected me completely physically.

Things h avecontinued like this for the last two years. I was having a terrible time at work and was not much of a joy to be around.

My wife's career seemed to be going from strength to strength.

From January this year her attitude changed. She started to openly snipe at me at every opportunity - just the usual thing - state of the house, garden, lack of things being acheived. I found this very frustrating as I was dealing with kids aged 2, 4, 6 & 13 all day. I coped as best I could but clearly I did not meet her expectations as a house husband.

It became clear to me that she was trying to get me to leave. It also became clear to me that she was beginning to reinvent herself. She lost 3 stone, started exercising regularly, started coming home later, new clothes, listening to different music. She did not interact with the kids at weekends and left me to do all of the parenting.

We had a couple of big arguments, principally as I was tiring of her poor attitude - she alienated my parents and would critise my family to me.

At the start of July she announced that she wanted a separation. I see now that this was inevitable. I had been sticking my head in the sand for far too long hoping that the problems in our marriage would resolve themselves rather than facing up to them. Deep down I know that this probably would have made no difference as she is such a single minded person if she had decided in her own mind that she wanted out of the marriage separation would be inevitable as she would never agree to counselling.

I was, and still am, devastated by this. I am hardly eating, I am not sleeping well. We are still under the same roof but in different rooms and are living a very uneasy existence at the moment.

To compound things I know that she has been exchanging explicit texts with an old flame and this has infuriated me and she knows it. She seems to take a perverse pleasure in flaunting this new ("text sex only"?) relationship. I am not sure that it is just harmless flirting although I do know he lives a few hours drive away. She has also taken time out to belittle me at every opportunity over the last couple of weeks. It is like living with a stranger and a really unpleasant one at that and what troubles me is that the kids are stuck in the middle. She has always been an overbearing and intimidating person to live with - this would surprise her friends and colleagues as she is a softly spoken and bubbly person outside of the house - but this is really just a front.

I consider my self to be an honest, hard working person. I have always put her interests and those of the children before my own and am at loss to know why she feels she can treat me this way. I have never cheated ,although she has told me that she wished that I had had an affair so that she would not have to be the one to end the marriage. I have never been violent or abusive to her. All I have ever tried to do is my best for her and the children. I do feel that I have failed as a provider as a result of my redundancy but feel that I have never been given the support from her that I needed.

I know that she wants me to leave but I have nowhere to go. the house is owned jointly and when she returns to work on monday I have to be here to look after the children.

She is pressing me to find work but there are just no suitable posts in the area.

she is pressing for valuations to be done on the house but I have told her to get legal advice before doing anything else. I suspect that she intends to make an offer to but me out using funds from her parents. I am not happy about that as the house has probably dropped £60k in value since purchased a couple of years ago and now would not be a great time for me to sell my share.

She refuses to talk to me about childcare for the kids after the separation and I cant even contemplate a way of sorting things out when I dont even have a job to put me in a position to support the children, or to buy or rent a house. She has referred to the issue of who will care for the children as a minor detail that can be sorted out at a later date. I find this absolutely galling.

I am troubled because she is not a very hands on mother. Until a couple of weeks ago she was never involved in bath time or bed time routines. I am the one who gets up with the kids, get them their breakfast gets them clothed, takes them to school, nursery, etc.


I know that she has also asked our 13 year old to live with her after the separation. I am livid about that as I would never have put my daughter on the spot like that.

My wife seems to be in a big hurry to get things sorted out.

The situation is just terrible and I am at my wits end.

If anyone can give me some advice, pointed or even tell me to stop bleating and get on and sort things I would be obliged.

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this position. Sadly often the parties move at different rates with one spouse having emotionally left the relationship sometime before they voice the intention to separate whilst the other spouse feels things are moving too fast and they require sometime to emotionally readjust. Sniping is quite common when relationships breakdown and the best thing is not to take it personally.

The usual legal advice is to stay put until arrangements for the finances and children are in place. Personally I think it's a good idea to see a family lawyer early on for an objective view of where you stand and what the options are even if you then go away and negotiate an agreement between yourselves. If you cannot reach agreement mediation or collaborative law offer alternative ways forward that do less damage to long term family relations.

Hi imcd72,

sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure that there are many on this site who have found themselves in similar situations.

Once, you have got over the initial shock, you must be practical. Having read through your post, you are in what is commonly the female's situation. As has been stated on here, the law leans towards helping the main carer for the children - normally the female, but in this case you.

It will take you ages to get over the relationship. As Fiona stated, it sounds as if your STBX is ahead of you in that. But you must move on a little.

If you have not yet got any legal advice, get some! It's a very hard first step, but crucial. You need practical advice from someone who is not emotionally involved. I would definitely NOT move out. You have as much right to occupy the FMH as she does, so stand up for yourself. Many solicitors have a free first session, so cost initially should not be an issue.

As usual, the kids are the innocent party here, most in danger of being badly affected. Unfortunately some people like your STBX have little consideration for them. But you obviously do. The kids will realise that.

Get some legal advice, stay in the FMH and make a vague plan as to what you want to do for the future without your STBX. You need to accept that this relationship is over sooner rather than later - a bit like having a death in the family - so that you can 'move on' to new better times.

There is a wealth of experience and knowledge on this site, from people who really do have a clue. Use it and I hope things improve for you. Don't expect it to be overnight, but a bit of progress will make you feel a little better.

Good luck,
Anthony

Morning,

I am a Dad who is in a similar position. My wife, without warning after 18yrs left me and my two boy's (13 & 15).

Without going into the detail The boy's now live with me. So much of what you say happened to me with my wife trying to "emotionally" force me from the family home.

Firstly, be strong for your children. Whilst you may not know it now they will be loyal to you which does cause problems but will give you a lift. My two boy's have broken off contact with my wife and are truly punishing her for breaking up the family.

Get legal advice but whatever the provocation do not rise to the bait. Stay in the house, put your children first and be strong. After seven months of hell I am getting stronger while my wife has lost everything and just humiliates herself.

Be a great Dad, stay calm and allow her to dig her own grave! Always put the kids first.
Brunswick

Thank you very much. I am sorry to hear of your situation but can take strength from your words.
I will do my best for the children and let her manouvre herself into what trouble lies ahead for her.
I do need to "man up" to her, something I have rarely done over the last 6 years.
Hope things are working out for you.
Thanks again

Thanks Fiona - nice picture
I have now engaged a solicitor ( and found one who does civil legal aid!)
Don't know how to move things forward just yet but I am starting to take some steps

Thanks Anthony

I have taken advice now and am making an effort to stand up for myself.

I am still having trouble accepting that the relationship is over but I know I have to otherwise this whole thing will consume me.
I am trying not to bolt from the house although I know she is still constantly texting her old flame which is causing as much annoyance to our 13 year old as it is to me.

I will take your advice and use the site. It is a relief to know that there are good people like yourselves out there who are happy to help others through situations like this.

Thanks again