Ex is delaying financial disclosure

This may cheer up all the men who feel women always get it all their own way. My husband (stbx) abruptly left me just after New Year 2007 after a 2 1/2 years marriage. He was a house husband and was looking after our baby boy (now nearly 4) whilst I commuted to London as a legal sec (ie not earning a fortune by any means).

Anyway, I commenced divorce proceedings about two years ago but have got nowhere. The major cause of delay being that my ex would not initially admit to adultery and my unreasonable behaviour petition based on his adultery was slung out of court. He has now finally admitted adultery but has now delayed financial disclosure for about 5 months (thus ensureing my financial disclosure is probably out of date and useless). I can only assume this is probably in the hopes of an upturn in the housing market giving him a larger share of the equity (or that I would relent and give him some of my deposit from the sale of my flat too - which he may be legally (even if not actually morally) entitled to). I've carried on paying all the mortgage and bills since my stbx's money does not even cover half the childminding fees.

I was so fed up with the stress and continual solicitors bills that I rather stupidly gave him to the end of this month (August 09) to see some real progress with proceedings or that I would disinstruct my solicitor. That was a few weeks ago and although there's still time til the end of the month, I think he's calling my bluff/playing mind games with me. I have never denied him regular access to our son and think I've been reasonable (some say too reasonable) all along nevertheless now as its looking like I could have spent £6K on legal fees for nothing. Not to mention that I can't move on (literally or emotionally). I don't know what to do now as I don't like going back on my word. Any sage advice would be most appreciated!

My (now) ex avoided disclosure for a year, drove me mad as I was stuck in a rut he'd created and solicitors seemingly allowed. The more time it took, the more money writing letters.

When I was finally believed that my now ex would avoid this (he was living in same house all way through divorce proceedings, and for a week after Absolute was granted, he was sent a form E (financial disclosure form). of course I who had fully disclosed a year previously had to also fill it out then send back as part of the bundle that went to court.

My ex's Form E was such a load of expensive paper with twaddle written upon it, you might say perjury that's never taken serously as people lie on their forms by omission and misleading statements and nothing's done about it.

When more time had gone by and more letters sent I was asked to take him to court for a First hearing where the judge tells the parties to disclose what he/she decides in order to get things moving. I still had avoidance from my ex and his disclosure was as clear as mud, so my solicitor advocated I go for a Second Hearing and have a Barrister astute in financial matters to represent me. The fees for the Barrister was £1,800 alone, and that on top of about 18 mths worth of legal letters and threats to him to comply with the legal process or else. But the or else consequences is more expense on top of letters already sent. My Barrister wanted it to go to a Third Hearing as he's figured out that my ex owed me a lot more money as part of the settlemnt, but I'd been on Wiki and read about 'costs v's settlement'

I could see that my legal fees would cancel out what I may gain at a Third Hearing so instructed my Barrister go gain a settlement at Second Hearing. Third Hearings are expensive - cost thousands of pounds - could have been £8,000 each to argue about £16,000.

I think the courts take advantage of thinking if people go to this level then they must be able to afford it and they bleed you. In my case I could have afforded it, but then it would have taken all of what I had, then I would have gained possibly £16,000 settlement at Third Hearing, then paid at least £8,000 in legal fees, leaving me with er er less than the figure I had at the Second Hearing.

Oh, he didn't want to settle at the second hearing, but I wasn't budging until I got the best of what the second hearing could offer. After 18 mths with him still living in his bedroom day after day I just wanted divorce to mean I didn't have to live like I had been for all this time, so insisted that him agreeing to move out be a part of the settlemen in my case.

But the avoidance of disclosing is something I experienced very much as well as the expensive solution. So you get pincered by an ex who won't comply and a legal process that obligates him or else, but to move your divorce on what choice do you have but to go to court with an expensive Barrister given there's one legal process which is the blue print of the law?

I wasn't on Legal Aid as I didn't qualify due to failing means test,but all that I had went on legal fees, that's the bullet I bit to get my freedom or stay in no-mans land ie my ex not disclosing and controlling the divorce into a stagnation with me (and him upstairs) having forked out thousands in legal fees.

I could have either given up the divorce process at this point and get nervous about going to court etc and grieved the financial loss to gain nothing, or keep going by keeping spending. I met a woman outside court at my Second Hearing who had spent £37,000 on her divorce - what her story was I don't know, but I thought she'd had an experience I could learn from without having the same experience!

I wanted it settled, and my Barrister yeilded to my instructions looking crest fallen, it must be all part of court drama as I bumped him in the street a week later and he didn't recognise me!

Part of the settlement was that my ex give me a sum of money that he had in the bank within 56 days of my last December court Second hearing and that the house be transfered to my name ,and the endowment policies have my name removed from them.

All the settlement conditions my ex didn't adhere to. It took another 6 months to get the sum of money out of my ex and in effect he still owes me interest, which I'd have to go to court for in order to gain it (more hassle), so decided to let it go, and it took 7 months to get the house transfered to me.

I'm still on the endowment policies because my ex should have instructed a firm of solicitors to draw up a deed of absolute assignment as a means to remove me from them, thus cancelling me as a beneficary.

So I guess if ex dies tomorrow ............well who knows, but I can't afford to find out. Knowledge is power, solicitors will give you it for a very large fee and headache!

How I ever got free I don't know as I didn't have any support whatsoever, no family and few friends, but I did against the odds, so with less odds so will the dertermined out there.

I wish you all the very best and much strength for your divorce journey

Jolly

JollyLass

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. And I thought I had it tough! At least my ex moved out so I don't have that to content with. It does sound like you've done exceedingly well not to have had a nervous breakdown.

I have to say I'm disillusioned with solicitors and the whole legal process. You've backed up my thoughts that in my case going through the courts is just going to be too expensive with too little gain to justify.

Many thanks again and my best wishes for your new exciting future.

Rachel

Hi Rachel, the lawyers let you pay them until this 'sticking point' of necessary disclose - then they say in order to cut finances at the 50/50 split starting point they need paper evidence and to get it costs ever more money via Form E. Then if the Form E is up for question, then it goes beyond the First Hearing and into the Second Hearing whereby judge wants to know what happened to the instructions and guidance he/she gave at First Hearing. It's definetly a 'costs v's settlement' scenario.

Someone said that court was like going to court with a 'cow and coming away with a cat'. My barrister at least was man enough to admit that the only ones who really gained from this stage of divorce proceedings was the lawyers, and we know what Shakespear said about that.

In your case, how to proceed with the divorce without going to court? If there's a way then I don't know of it.

I don't know how I didn't have a nervous breakdown, but somehow I stayed sane though I did fantasize about what I may do with my anger caused by my now ex and his ostritch in the sand approach to every letter that came from my solicitor that I would sometimes leave on top of his bed so he'd not have the excuse to say he'd not 'seen' it. Even then the letters went un-opened a lot of the time. My ex controlled the divorce time-scale until the court action kicked in. At the second hearing it was a judge whom my ex used to work with......can you believe that?! However the judge said it would not make a difference to the hearing, and it didn't as turned out to be a blessing. Maybe the judge, himself a once solicitor knew my ex to be an unpleasant person with an ego the size of The Old Bailey. I will never know, but having been put through 18 months of hellish divorce with him living in his bedroom he regarded as his control tower I would love the opportunity to give talks on how against all the odds I plodded all the way to my divorce absolute, maybe help others, give them encouragement, and save them money and headaches.

I ended up with a big house mortgage free, and what the judge ordered him to give me on top (because he'd hid, whereabouts unknown the best part of 78k) paid my legal costs which ran into thousands, and that figure came from the money left to me from my mother who died nearly 4 years ago.

The question is how tempted would I have been to carry on living under the same roof as him a prisoner of circumstances unless I could have financed myself towards freedom?

I do wish you all the best Rachel

Jolly