I'm new to this!

Hi all, I've just found this website and think this may be just what I need to get my head round the happenings of the last few weeks.
My Story: I first started seeing my husband 7.5 yrs ago dec '01, I wasnt keen at first but after a fantastic w/end away I fell head over heels, he proposed to me just after that (been together 3 mths) we moved into a rented house together 3 months after that. everything was great. We moved into our own home in Feb 03 and discussed trying for baby. I'd not been well and in the summer of that year found out I'd got polysystic ovaries and it could take a while to conceive so we decided to stop trying so hard and get married first so we planned our wedding for april 04. just weeks after booking everything I found out I was pregnant! so was 5 months pregnant on our wedding day! Our first son born in August 04 and I became a stay at home mum. Fast forward to 07 I got pregnant with our 2nd son, I was really ill thru this pg and was in hospital a lot on a drip. We went on hol in the may everything fine until we got bk & I discovered he'd been txting a woman that lived close, she said was innocent on her behalf as she was getting married but OH had told her he separated!! On top of this he'd also joined online dating services but he swore he was just curious and wouldn't cheat on me! Everything was back on track, I went to work PT evenings lst summer I found he on online chatting dirty to other women. I went mad but he swore he loved me and he was bored and nothing would ever happen-he stopped until mar ths yr I found him doing it again, I kicked him out he stayed at his sisters for a couple of nts then he came round to talk again been very vague but swore he'd try to stop, I suggested counselling but he not keen & I even said he could continue but he'd have to let me in on it it was the secrets I hated so he showed me the messages, they made me feel sick, tmi but, some of the things he was telling them he was doing with me iykwim I told him how I felt and begged him to try to stop to save our marriage, he agreed and he did really well, at the end of may I had my money for car insurance & I said if he wasnt happy to tell me now & I could use the ins money as a deposit on a rented house for me & the boys. He said no everything was fine and he'd not gone on even got a mobile without the net on it. We went on holiday first week of june and had a fab time, I was so happy everything was looking up, the folowing wk he foned me at work he was chatting & asked if I'd seen his facebk page I said no, he said well thought I'd best let you know my ex added me as a friend last wk and she just messaged askin how I was. I asked him not to reply or start a convo he said just replied to say he fine, married two kids thats it. I said well leave it at that. He said thought you'd say that- I was really pleased sounded like we were getting somewhere.
Story with his ex- she was his older half bros gf, they have 3 kids, my oh started seeing her after they split but as with his bro she just used him for money once skint dumped him, on top of that she got pg and aborted it without telling him until she dumped him leaving him with a repossed car and owing his dad £700 plus for a deposit on a hse she living in!...not a nice lady at all.
Sooo anyway, I got home that nt frm wrk & said tomorrow can I have a look at your fb cos I want to nosey at her, he said yeah no probs, so nxt day I logged on and low & behold his IM was left up frm prev nt they'd been IM confessing undying love for each other and we were only together for boys ans she wanted to be with him and she sorry for breaking his heart and did he want her mob number arrgghh my head was spinning I foned him and he didnt say a lot, I foned her she denied it at first then said well its between you and him, so I said just leave him alone then let us work this out. He came hm frm wk and I said whats goin on he said he was goin to meet her that nite, she'd been calling him all day even though I'd ask her to let us sort out. Well I said he couldnt go seeing her cos they'd only end up in bed together could he think about what he doing, he was getting upset said he was going to go and think but as he got to the car I threw some clothes out and said he'd only end up at hers anyway.

And that was 7 wks ago, I just dont understand how he could try to hard for wks then runaway and with her of all people. It seems like he's been trying to find someone else to run off with the the last couple of years, why he couldnt just get a place of his own I don't know, I so hurt and confused and angry I hate him so much for what he's done and in some ways I know I'm better off without him, but after all he's done I want to just fone him & ask him to come home, I know he wont he seems to think he's in love with her. Its all so messed up I just want to wake up to find its been a nightmare! On top of getting over him going he's been trying to introduce the kids to her from the start, I told him no & he took them anyway when I was at work so we've now been goin through solicitors to get his visits sorted as he seems to think he can do what he wants & doesnt seem to think that it may upset the kids (aged 2 & 5).

I know its really long and I hope you're all awake still, if you are thanks for reading!

Jeeezzz....

This man has really been taking you for a ride! I understand completely how - given that you are in love with him, have been with him for so long, have children with him and so on - you could want him back and be willing to forgive him for his behaviour etc. but really this guy sounds like a complete pig who just wants to have his cake and eat it too. It's possible that he's wanted out for a while but been too much of a coward to tell you, or to live on his own without someone to look after him.

I do understand you. My X2B is an alcoholic who mentally/emotionally abused me, but I still sobbed my heart out and wanted him back so badly the week after I got enough strength to leave him. Now I look back and wonder how I could ever have let anyone treat me the way he did.

Don't let him bring you down anymore hun. He and that horrible woman deserve each other, while you deserve far better. This community is absolutely A* for help, advice and supportive people who all know what you're going through because they're all in similar situations. I don't know much at all about custody stuff because I don't have kids, but from what I've seen and heard, you do have control over when your kids see their father and you should be able to work out some sort of deal in conjunction with your solicitor. I believe a typical thing is that the parent who doesn't have the kids sees them every other weekend and maybe one or two days during the week, but it's really open depending on the situation.

One thing I would say though, is that (even though it hurts like hell) I wouldn't deny your kids the chance to know their father, even if it means they have to have contact with the other woman. As a child of divorced parents, I really respected them when they asked me (aged 9) what I wanted - who I wanted to live with and how often I visited the other parent. I know your two are probably too young for that right now, but it's worth thinking about how they're going to feel about you when they're a little bit older if they've been denied a relationship with their dad. If they see him behaving like a dick, they'll eventually make up their own minds about him...

Stick around, get to know the people who frequent this place, they're all lovely and will soon help you sort things out. Before you know it, this scary looking situation will become an exciting new life and an opportunity to become far happier.

*Hugs* all the best

WCX

Ah angieo,

just read your story - so very very sorry. Amazed you have'nt had more replies; try posting this on the Divorce>Depression and Stress page. Hubby does sound a right bleep!! and from what you have said hate to agree but it sounds like you were onto a looser from the moment you found out he was txting the ow who lived nearby. My story is similar but different - I was married (very happily) for 13 years until in 04 my mum became ill with cancer. Hubby began feeling lonely at this time cos I was taken up with mum, and found a friend at work, and a bit like your hubby started seeing and txting her behind my back. Time and again I caught him out lying and cheating and time and again he swore it was all platonic and innocent!!!! I too told him it was the lies and deceit I could'nt cope with and begged him to be honest in future, he promised.!! To cut to the chase this Easter I caught him at it again - and that was the turning point - he SWORE to really try again no more lying ever! That lasted only 5 or 6 weeks and then he announced our marriage was over! All the time he'd been pretending to try to save our marriage he'd actually been having a full affair with another woman he'd met thru work! I too am so very very very very angry and hurt and sad and mad at all the lying and cheating and waste that he has made of our lives together. We have 4 kids 18 to 11 and over the last 4/5 years they have been all so hurt, and devastated and upset and finally bored by all this that if they could all emigrate I think they would My youngest and oldest still want close contact with their father. Of the other two one doesnt ever want to speak to him again and the other is totally indifferent to him.
It did cross my mind that my husband could'nt take the stress of my mothers illness and not being the centre of my universe - do you think maybe your husband felt the same when you were ill with your pg? No flaming excuse at all but men do seem pathetic like that!!!
Hang in there now!; it is so very hard at the moment is'nt it? and your boys are still very young - keep posting on Wiki it has saved my sanity in the last few weeks!!! You are not alone and tho it must hurt like hell knowing hubby is back with his ex I hope that you and I both can say of hubbies and gf's one day they deserve each other!!!! You have done absolutely nothing wrong except be understanding and loving and I know at the mo that does'nt help much but when your boys are old enough to understand it will count for so very very much.
Keep going flower - I'm here too, love Jo x

Hi angie and tiredoldbag

First of all let me just say that neither of you ladies are fools. You are honest, loyal, loving wonderful women who, like me, married absolute losers.

I have a theory, I reckon men like we were married to are inadequate beings who actually choose women like us (subconsciously) because, due to our loving natures, we forgive easily, we give out chance after chance, we believe lies, because we can't believe that people we choose to love would treat us like crap.

I caught an STI from my X (im now divorced) 18 years ago shortly after having our first daughter. He swore it was a one off and that lots of men cheated when their wife had a baby. HELLO, I believed him. He said it would never happen again. And I believed him!!!!!

The following 15 years of marriage were unpleasant to say the least. I comfort ate until I was 7 stone overweight. I didn't go out without him, because he said that married people should only go out together. He worked shifts and often worked late (police officer). He would phone me and tell me he would be late. HELLO, why didn't alarm bells ring for me. Because I loved him, he had said sorry before, I believed him, I trusted him.

Anyway, I did a law degree (Open University) and I studied the Legal Practice Course and was about to take my final exams 15 yeas ago when X told me that during the first ten years of our marriage he had cheated lots of times. I was shocked, flabergasted, had no idea. (No mobile phones/computers in those days to check him up on). I asked him why he was telling me all this. He said because he had it all on his conscience and he wanted a fresh start in the 'truth'.

We went to counselling. He cried. Counsellers pointed out to me that he truly loved me. Over the months I started to weaken. I thought, oh well, if it was over ten years ago, its okay. You see, I continued to believe everything. Just when I began to think that maybe there could be a future, he named one of the women he had sex with and at that point LIGHT DAWNED and I knew, just knew I had to get out of the marriage with that sicko.

I was very ill at first, distraught, and I think that was because I was so overweight, everything was hard work, had 3 daughters, animals to look after, had not taken my exams (have now) and felt so so so so stupid not knowing about my X.

Fast forward 3 years. Have past those exams! Have lost 7 stone in weight. Life is fantastic! I am single. Loving it. Lots of male friends to date, have sex with (if I choose), don't want anyone permanent, but probably will when girls left home.

X - now I see him for what he is - a weazel, losing his hair (he always had a worry about losing his hair), a pathetic, inadequate toss pot.

I couldnt care less if he has shagged the whole of Great Britain! He begs forgiveness. Hes got it. But omg I would hate to ever be in a relationship with him again. When I see him/his car vomit rises into my throat and i have to paste on a fake smile - THAT IS THE HONEST TRUTH.

He is worthless and I am just so glad at the grand old age of 49 I am out now!

Ladies, believe me, one day you will thank your lucky stars you are well rid, because your husbands will NEVER be faithful to any women they are with. I have read loads of books over the subject. Men like ours need constant approval from women to make them feel worthwhile.

One day you you will be glad you are rid - trust me, I know!

Jo x

Hold your head high girl.
You gave it your best shot.
Now get out and take him for everything you can.

Do you know what I find fascinating about all this... why the hell do these serial adulterers NEVER delete text messages!
It just shows how stupid and arrogant they are..

You have given him plenty of chances...you need to let him go and move forward for you and your children. It will not be easy and you will have a few wobbles along the way but how can you ever trust him again....he doesn't even sound sorry/remorseful for what he has done. His current relationship is bound to fail...he appears to like the chase, secrecy, deceit....he sounds very weak, You will get stronger. As you have said it is better for you and the children if you can set up regular contact and that he doesn't just pick and choose when he sees them depending on how he is feeling.
All the best, use the site to off load xx

Serial adulterers don't delete texts because even though they are liers, cheats, betrayers, etc. etc., they dont expect their partners to be. They know they partners are loyal, honest, etc. et., which translated widely means that they know that their partners are in effect walkovers.

When I caught an STI from my X (hubby at the time) he denied being unfaithful and I believed him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even though the doc said it was an STI I refused treatment because I believed my hubby. Why would he cheat on me within the first year of marriage and within days of us having a little girl? Of course he wouldn't. It wasn't until I found a receipt for interflora flowers to a woman (the woman in question) that I 'realised' her had been cheating.

Mobile phones only for the well off in those days (18 years ago), but he kept the receipt for the flowers he sent in his pocket (it fell out when his jacket fell on the floor). He would never expect me to look in this pockets.

Jo x