New here... just dont know were to start

Hi,
As the title says I really dont know were to start...
Breif story so far...

I have felt that we have been slowly drifting appart since July 06 when we almost lost out daughter to cot death and I sank into a depression.
I find we have nothing in common anymore, infact Im not sure we even did have anything in common to start with..

He is number 1 in his life, the children come 4th after his cigarettes and beer, if he doesnt get his own way he will act like a child and have a strop and inturn will give myself and the children the 'silent treatement' and make the atmosphere unbearable until I give in and agree to whatever he wants, and that includes sex, which really is a bad subject.
His drinking and smoking is exsessive and he cannot go 1 day without at least 1 beer despite the fact we cannot afford it, if he has a strop wen he has had a few he can be rather aggressive and has been known to be violent a few times. I have had to rely on my grandparents financially a lot... from council tax payments to clothes and shoes for my children.
He favours our daughter over our son, almost all the time, so much so that our son gets shouted at and blamed when it isnt even his fault! Its only recently that our son will even stay with my husband without me being there (he cries and begs me not to go, or pleads with me to take him with me) and even now I dont feel comfortable leavin our son with him if I have to pop out for someting. He also finds it very hard to show our son any sort of praise or emotion and will only do so if I push him to do it.

I am just at the end of my tether, I cannot take anymore, Ive tried so hard to keep it together for the sake of our children as I know first hand what its like to have your parents split up and its not nice, but I am findin myself more and more miserable and unhappy as the days are goin by, so call me selfish for ruining my childrens lives but I cant take anymore.

Thanks for readin
N

i would strongly advise marriage guidance counselling if possible

the problem you have is his violent tendancies

if there is anyway of broaching how you feel perhaps by writing him a letter rather than initially talking to him

at least this way you will have some closure

i guess in your heart you want to know if he can change, if there is a reason for his behaviour or if his will remain this way

good luck