stuck in mud and floundering - help!!!

Hi all
I'm new on here so bare with me.
I'm separted and have been for almost a year. So why do I still feel so bad? In fact a feel worse now than in the beginning! I feel like I'm stuck in mud and have no idea how to get out.
At first the relief of him leaving was amazing. I could breathe again after feeling so claustraphobic (together for over 20 years). All those years of mental abuse and being totally controlled was exhausting. If he'd had actually gone then I think I might feel different now, but he still came to the house everyday on some excuse. And being so weak with him, I didn't want to hurt him by saying he couldn't. I know, bad move, but he has this 'thing' over me and he knows it. I will add we have 2 older children and his excuse was he wanted to see them - I won't stand in his way of the children.
Everyday he would seek me out in the house, walk stright into my bedroom, sometimes catch me naked! He thought nothing of this.
He is living just around the corner and thinks nothing of just walking into the family home any time he wants.
He has admitted going through my bag, following me, waiting in car parks outside of my work place to check where I was going etc. He regualrly used to spy on me and would hack into my PC at work to try and 'find things' and much more.
Like others on this site, I had no idea he had apparently been unhappy for many years, although he never said anything, in fact that was a huge problem, he never wanted to talk about things, unless it was on his terms. So when I found out he was having an affair it just about killed me. I was a stay at home mum at the time and he had erroded all of my confidence over the years. To cut a long story short I had him back and started a new job and slowly got all my confidence back and was so happy and content. He hated me going to work (altho he had bullied me so much while the kids were small to go back) I loved going to work and meeting new people, I felt alive. He started accusing me of all sorts of things and that's when the spying started. He pushed and pushed and pushed. He had always drunk quite a lot, but that got worse and he would be awful after drink and start shouting at me and hitting walls and waking me up in the middle of the night glaring at me, pointing his finger at me, shouting at me. I was scared! This went on and on. He didn't care that the kids could hear etc. So eventually I had the courage to tell him to leave. He moved into his out, spent all our savings on everything brand new, new car, holidays. everything. He joined dating sites 'just for friends' of course. Then I found out he was having s£x with his 'friends'.
So why now do I want him back? I haven't moved on. I only have a few friends and feel so alone and lonely. My friends are all in relationships and never want to go out.
He wants us to be 'mates'. He still comes round all the time. He asks me over to his for meals and drinks. Then he tells me to give him space! I still love him. He tells me he has no feelings. I married him 'forever'. We worked really hard for our long term future and I bitterly resent not having that.
I don't have anyone I can talk to, so here I am. The weekends are always so bad for me. I try to make myself go out of the house, but there is only so much shopping I can do! I tried going on dating websites, but my heart wasn't in it and all I got was dirty old men or players. I am not interested in either, needless to say its been a few months since I've even looked at the sites.
I know I'm not the only one to feel like this, but I can see no light at the end of my dark dark tunnel. I'm always a very optimistic, happy person, always smiling, but at the moment I'm stuck. I don't want to feel like this any more.
Any advice will be gratefully recieved and appologies for rambling on - there is more!!

Hi sunnismile,

Welcome to Wiki. That's quite a post for your entrance!

Having read through it, it sounds as if he wants to have his cake and eat it and you have let him.

As for you. You probably have moved on a little, but due to the above, not as much as you could.

I imagine that's why a 'Clean Break' is generally best, so that both parties can move on to the next chapter in their lives. This is of course made more difficult when you have to maintain some kind of relationship with your ex, due to the children.

I agree with you that weekends and other periods can be difficult. But, you know you have to do something. After the initial support from your friends ends, things settle down.

You have to decide what you want and go for it. It won't come to you. Waiting around will not improve your situation. You need something - however small- to look forward to. Not just shopping therapy, but nice times.

You know that this bad time will pass. And you sound like a generally happy person. You'll get a lot of support from people on this site as many of them have been through what you are going through now and sympathise.
Good luck
Anthony

Hi and welcome to Wiki,

You will get lots of support on here. How about popping into the chat room when you feel alone?

Hi Sunnismile,

It is really hard to move on when they are still around, isn't it. We are still living in the same house, albeit in separate bedrooms, and I am finding it very hard to detach myself from him. He still seems to want to carry on as though nothing has changed.

I second the advice to plan an outings or treats for yourself, especially at the weekends. I had a lovely morning out by myself at the local agricultural show earlier this week, and will be going swimming tomorrow.

Are your work colleagues friendly? Could you perhaps arrange an outing with them at the weekend? Or could you join a club of some sort? I used to like walking so have been in touch with the local Ramblers Association group.

I have also started seeing a life coach. I've only been to one session so far, but came away feeling very positive. Would you consider trying counselling or coaching?

Take care and keep posting. I have found this site a godsend.

Thank you all so much. It's great to know I can turn to real people and get honest unbiased answers. His family are nice, but of course don't say much and mine are worse than useless. So that's why I'm here. I tried relate and cit. advice, both said I should go to a solicitor. Maybe I should, but I have to try and sort my head/heart out first. Like some one has said, I think I might actually be in love with an illusion!! I just need to get that into my head and try to get some of the hurt/resentment/anger/jealousy out somehow.
This is the first time since I was a teenager that I have been on my own and although I like my own company, it becomes unbearable at times. I have so much fun and energy in me and I'm stuck arghhhh

Sunnismile

...well it's that time of night again when I don't feel particularly tired but I go to bed to go to sleep in the hope that when I wake up this terrible nightmare will be just that!
Yet another uneventful day today, didn't speak to anyone and probably the same tomorrow, oh well, life goes on as they say.

Nite all x

Morning Sunnismile, I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I spent quite a lot of time awake last night, but instead of going over the same old miserable stuff in my head I decided to imagine my interview for the job that I haven't even applied for yet.

Have you got a friend or neighbour you could invite over for a coffee or go out to lunch with? Or gym/swimming pool nearby? I find exercise helps, so I will be going swimming this morning.

Take care.