Thinking about divorce, but not sure.

I have been married for over 2 years now. We were married, right before moving to another country for my husbands work. His work was for a 2 year contract and we had discussed that it would be a good career/money move at the time. Its been longer than 2 years now and we are still in a different country. I am anxious to get back to our home country and start back in my career. Since leaving my job to move, I have been holding various odd jobs and until now, not working at all and trying to find part time work.

We recently got into a fight which escalated to my husband telling me to pack my things and move home and send him the divorce papers. This is about the 3rd time that he has threatened with divorce for an argument that we have gotten into over the period of 2 years. Our fights usually are started when I ask, when are we going to move back/or have you started looking for a new job, why do you have to work such long hours or him putting me down for not working or able to find a job. Usually his tantrums result in him getting upset and trying to walk out or away from the argument or threaten with divorce.

I don't think I am mentally or physically prepared to get a divorce, considering I have invested alot of time into this relationship and I don't want to walk away from it. But at the same time, it is mentally wearing me down and making me a less independent and less confident person. Granted the stress of not being the career woman I am, tears me apart and makes me think what am I doing here? But I keep thinking I am with the one that I love and it makes him happy. But maybe I am sacrificing my happiness for someone else and now I have reached my breaking point.

I am lost, any advice?

put your thoughts and feelings in a letter

avoid ultimatums

give him the letter and tell him you are prepared to wait a week or two before discussing it, so he has time to read it and think about it

i assume his job is stressful hence the above

in the letter suggest possible reasonalbe solutions ...don't blackmail or issue ultimatums


as a guy he will read the letter and keep it close/ in a safe place (wordprocess it in case he inadvertently loses it and give him 2 copies)

once he has had time to digest the content and the depth of your unhappiness he will act

you may not get to move back asap but it may well make him place the marriage over the job and make plans to move back step by step to minimise the probs

you will need to show ..do some research to that you will be employable on your return given the current economy over here

otherwise what is the point?

all the best

btw he is a dork for telling you to leave/divorce i would be v.surpised if he meant it...guys say stupid things like this as to do girls (my ex) not me and do not realise the effect it is having

Thanks for your insight and opinion. It was really helpful.

Its funny because I wrote an email even before you had mentioned. Writing may seem impersonal, but in the end its the only way to get out all the emotions you feel without getting into a fight and not getting out all that needs to be said. But in the meantime before he read the email we talked and nothing was resolved in the end. He is too stubborn to admit any wrongdoing or even consider what needs to be changed. He is living in his own bubble where what is, is and if you don't like it then leave.

He has now turned to being verbally abusive and degrading in order to make me leave. I am seriously debating it now if someone isn't mature enough to talk through problems and be the bigger person in some instances, then what is the point in staying. I am willing to put in the time and talk and communicate and try to work out what needs to change. But I certainly can't do it alone when he is unwilling to compromise and talk. Talking about it is in his eyes like beating a dead horse and there is no point for him to do it. He thinks his problems will go when I do.

My stbx spent the last 6 months of the marriage threatening to divorce me. Then I divorced him and he went to mediation saying he didn't want a divorce. Your husband might have to learn the same lesson that my stbx did.

Be careful what you wish for!

No one can make this decision except you, but you should be able to discuss things in a marriage in a civilised way without him having such a big hissy fit. Good luck x

Its hard to just go get a divorce. We both come from this very old school background that you don't get divorces, you work it out. And I am shocked that it has resorted to this. Maybe he is bluffing and trying to scare me. But it worked for sure and I don't think I am prepared to go through a divorce so early. But at the same time its hard to see the end of the tunnel when my husband is still angry and not able to communicate it in a positive way.

I'm just really confused, am I supposed to read all these hidden messages, like him bluffing or saying things to just get me mad, or take it for what it is: he seriously wants a divorce. Is it normal to go days and maybe even weeks without talking to each other? Thats the rode I see it going on, its been over 3 days and at the way its going, it could turn into weeks if I stay. Its like we are living separate lives and he come and goes to work and I just sit and stew over what I am going to do about this. I definitely think I am thinking more about it than he is, he has a very busy job to keep him occupied so he doesn't have time to think about it or reflect on the problem. For him because he is so busy, its just easy to pretend its not there and it will eventually go away, or I will go away.

And even after your mediation, this did not help you? You are still planning to get a divorce fluffy76?

I got married at 23, believed in the whole concept of marriage, the caring and sharing and I really married for love and thought we'd be together forever.

Things got progressively worse until 8.5 years later he assaulted me. I had to leave my home for 2 month swith my kids, aged 6 and 4. I wanted mediation and he turned up but had a hissy fit after ten minutes and walked out.

Deciding to end the marriage took 6 long months of soul searching but I couldn't go on with the silences, walking on egg shells, his threats, fits of rage and anger, constant threat of violence, drinking, bringing drug addicts into the home, forcing himself on me eventhough I said no. I left it until I reached breaking point but I just couldn't take anymore. I believe in marriage but it shouldn't be at the cost of your own sanity and mental health ever.

Maybe you and your husband could try counselling? It sounds like it might be worth a try?

I stand by my decision to divorce and my conscience is clear. Your situation is completely different but maybe you should offer counselling as a way of getting the communication going. I wish you the best of luck.

The problem is he is not the counseling kind. I don't think he would be willing to let a stranger/mediator into our relationship and its problems. It concerns me because I know it has helped others, but I am really hoping this is something we can solve on our own because that is all we have to work with.

I have decided to stay and try to work it out somehow, if it means dealing with the silence until we can come calmly to the table and put out everything that needs to be said after the anger settles. We are both still upset and angry, but I am trying to make it through because nothing will ever get settled and resolved when we are both angry and the fight is still fresh.

We are in a bit of different situation than you fluffy, it has not been to the point of physical violence, and that is one thing I don't believe will happen. However, I know should that happen, I would definitely get out immediately for my own safety. It is now a matter of strong opinions and just clashing that is hurting and putting the strain on the marriage.

Right now I am just waiting it out to see what comes in the next week or so and if things get better.