what's my first step?

"Also they know that they are with the sort of person who would take them on knowing what they have done, what a catch they must be!"

Exactly! I tried pointing this out to him. Not only is she willing to look for someone on the internet, ruin a long standing relationship and hurt all his family but she has a husband and four kids of her own. Anyone in their right mind should realise that this is one selfish egotistical being.

Exactly!Also my husband's ow wrote him a rambling 6 page letter where she sounded hysterical and neurotic. I could hardly believe what I was reading! Anyone in their right mind would run a mile from someone who wrote a letter like that! They just can't see past the fact that someone thinks they are wonderful...so sad!

Hi Elaine, just to point out that your life has not been wasted as you've three wonderful children.
Theres no accounting for what goes off in their heads.
My STBX is 56. We were lying on sun loungers in the garden in June this year , trying to decipher what the various birds were.
I suddenly saw the funny side of this and remarked that if we were'nt careful, we'd be wearing cozy slippers next.

He then said " Wouldn't matter, this is all I want. If I never saw anyone outside of here again, that would suit me"

Eight weeks later, I overheard him saying that he was divorcing me.
I look at him sometimes and think of the cruel way he now treats me and I wonder if he's had a breakdown? But then I hear his charming manner on the phone to someone and realise it's only me he hates.
I think they act this way to justify their actions to themselves, after all if they are horrible toward us we are hardly likely to be lovely back. Then they think to themselves, "what a bitch I'm doing the right thing".
Hope you have spending money Elaine as then that's one problem crossed of.

To enliven- isn't it strange that it seems to always be the ones who seemed most content who go off the rails. My husb told me he loved me every day and we looked forward to spending time together. He often laughed about not wanting anything else and how great it was to have our family and each other!
They mean it at the time! I think it is a sort of breakdown they have because I cannot recognise the lovely husband and father we had in this person at all.
He just accepted that our youngest, who he was devoted to, didn't want to have anything to do with him. One of my friends aid 'the man I knew would have written to her every week for as long as it took'. Again, this is not the man anyone knew!

enliven - feel exactly the same. Maybe it is a breakdown of sorts. That point in life that they reach and wonder, as that song says, 'is that all there is?'

I'm just gutted that 'we' weren't enough.

hurtandsad - ((((hugs))))

Well, actually, to both of you!!

Completely agree. The man I knew would be absolutely disgusted at this behaviour. He said himself that if he were an outsider looking in, he would agree with me. "But it's so confusing and complicated"
I think it might be some kind of breakdown but he's made his bed now, he can suffer(hopefully) the consequences.

Unfortunately marriage/relatonship break up is commonplace but before joining this site a few days ago I thought I must be the only one going through the break up of a very long term marriage due to my middle aged husband (hes 60) chatting to and occasionally meeting women he "met" on the Intenet. Now he has left me to live with a much younger woman who he met on one of the chat sites !!

Reading your posts I now realise I am not alone in this sort of situation and my feelings of hurt, anger, devastation, loss, disbelief etc. are quite normal.

Our "partners" changed into someone we did not know, they became strangers to us. Blaming us for everything, making us feel WE were the guilty ones. Why ? In an attempt to salvage their own conscience, help ease their guilt or to "prove" to themselves that they did the right thing in "finding" someone else ? We probably all have many questions, most of which we will never know the answer to.

In all the years we were married, my husband took care of all the bills, finance etc. When he left, I had no idea what to do. In floods of tears I sat at the table surrounded by forms which I did not know how to fill in. But I did fill them in and now I have sorted out my benefits (I do not work), the house is now in my name only and I have just received my first "on line grocery shopping" order!!! Admittedly, small steps, but something I did on my own and I feel quite proud of myself.

As for the next steps ... I am trying to get through one day at a time and not think too far ahead. Eventually I am hoping I will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know this will take a long time but I am determined to get there. I may be "down" but I am not "out"

((((Hugs)))) to you all and thank you for making me feel I am not alone and my problems are not unique.