what's my first step?

Married 36 years, two children living away from home and an 18 year old due to start university in three weeks time. I have just found out that my husband is having an affair with a woman he met on the internet Apparently he's been speaking to her for a few months and met up for the first time last week when he told me was away on business.

He's now moved out to live with his mother. He's asked me not to see a solicitor as things will get "messy." Just spent the day with my middle child who was really supportive but still to tell the youngest who is away for the weekend.

I don't have a clue what I should be doing next. No idea what will happen with the family home I have been in for 29 years.
I don't work and am totally reliant on him financially.

I can't believe that the man I have loved since I was 18 could do something like this. 36 years thrown away for someone he's met once!

Hi

You are not - sadly - the first woman to be treated like this. My husband left me last year after 31 years together, to live with someone who is "so compatible".

You don't need to do anything at the moment - except if your name isn't on the deeds of the house, you can register your interest with the Land Registry, which will mean your ex can't sell it without your consent.

If your name is on the deeds relax.

OK, you need to deal with sorting out money and sorting out your emotions.

I dealt with my emotions first - spent most of the last year having counselling and took anti-depressants for a time.

I am not in a rush as we have just 3 years to go before youngest child is 18 and mortgage is paid off. But of course I have the option of divorcing ex before that if I think its necessary.

You have been married a long time and are used to a reasonable lifestyle so will probably be eligible for spousal maintenance.

You can find a sol who offers a free halfhour consultation.

Your ex probably is scared you are going to take him to the cleaners which is why he doesn't want you to go to a sol. It's true that sols rack up legal costs and that you don't always need them, but its also true that you want to ensure the best possible outcome.

Your local library will have books to help on all aspects of divorce. And there's lots on this site too, have a good look round.

Pop into our chatroom for instant support too.

Nell

Hi Elaine

My husband left four weeks ago after meeting someone and seeing them secretly once a week for 9 months. He told the kids himself 19 & 15 and said he was thinking of his own happiness and no one else's, so very nice of him.

He went to live with his sister, because he needs to build a relationship with her and her kids 16 & 11 before they move in together. We had been together 23 years married 21, it was a complete shock. I have not heard a thing since although the kids have seen him.

Nell always gives good advice and you will receive lots more help and support if you stick with this site.

Take care. Julie

Thank you Julie:blush:

Hi

I kicked my husband out in January when I find out he was seeing and chatting to someone online.

After being together for nearly 25 years, 22 years of them married, I was absolutley devastated, he then had the nerve to say "cause you work nights", work nights, Ive done that 5 years prior to all this, so why now.

We had a good lifestyle, a lovely home, 3 vehicles and a static in the lakes and he's thrown it all away. ON WHAT.

She told him they'd only be friends, so basically he's left with nothing. SERVES HIM RIGHT!!!!!

Helli

Helli

you sound rightly very angry. I'm sort of thinking the same way, in that I hope it all goes wrong for him and he might start to feel some of the pain I'm going through. He has upset so many people just on a whim and I'm confident he will get what he deserves whether it be next week, next month or a couple of years down the line.

Trouble is, I'm alternating between anger, regret and sadness at the loss of not just my huband and best friend but memories too. I feel like I have never really known him when just last week I thought I knew him inside out. It's like I've wasted my whole life and I know I will never be able to trust anyone again

Elaine - yes I think that is the hardest, you cannot accept that someone you loved and loved you and was your best friend can treat us so badly. Also hard is that they made up their mind and got into an affair without any thought of trying to save their marriage and family. The truth is that they are weak and someon paid them attention and they decide at the moment that this ow or om is so alluring that they haven't been happy for a long time! Like magic, then to justify themselves they convince themselves of this fantasy. I actually wasted a lot of time and energy trying to work out what went wrong, my kids put me straight! They remind me that we were a happy family right up to the point he met her then he changed, its as simple as that.
The person my husband used to be would have been absolutely horrified at himself.
We need to ge things in perspective, that life is gone and its sad and it brings a lot of problems but we can be strong. We have kids, friends, family, jobs, a future.... a new one. We can move forward one step at a time and hold our heads high because whatever excuses they make we are not to blame. We can support our kids theough this mess and come out the other side.
I really would not like to be in their shoes, they can pretend all they like but they have to live with themslves and the knowledge of ho they have behaved. Also they know that they are with the sort of person who would take them on knowing what they have done, what a catch they must be!
However difficlt it is emotionally or financially we are so much richer and will have better lives.
Go girls (and boys!)