Hello there - does it get better?

Hello

I am a newbie to Wikivorce but have found loads of posts really helpful.

Anyway I'm a 33 year old father of a beautiful 18 month old son and just uner 4 months ago my wife left me a letter telling me she wanted us to split up.

To explain briefly - we had a number of issues in our 9 year relationship (6 year marriage) and when I look back I can see she was trying to tell me she was unhappy for a while and I simply chose to pretend she wasn't and then, unforgivably, throw the stress of that back in her face.

Of course the final decision was the one that finally allowed me to wake up to how damaging my behaviour had been and see things properly, but by then it was too late and I understand why - as my ex wife says it's not fair to push someone so far away that they actually want to split up with you before you do anything about it.

That's not to say that a lot of the issues weren't 2 way problems and I know that, but the bottom line was that at the point of splitting I was desperate to find another solution and my ex wife was desperate to move on.

So over the last 3 months or so I moved out, started getting my head around the whole thing and accepting it, am getting some counselling, and have tried to be as understanding and generous to my ex wife as possible (though occasionally unfortunatley I have slipped up).

It's been really difficult and I'm prone to depression anyway. I'm loving spending time with my son (a real plus is my ex wife is being brilliant about access) and keeping busy with hobbies and new friends. But I still find too often (especially before going to sleep) I'm secretly fantasizing about reconciliation and hoping my ex wife will shift her perspective.

Then a week ago she told me that she had started seeing someone else and it was getting serious and I feel like I've rewound about 5 steps and I'm feeling really horrible again. I guess this is because it removes the chance of those secret reconciliation fantasies completely, but also I think it's because I'm really worried about the impact of another male role model in my son's life and what that will mean for me.

Plus, to be honest, I feel I may have been a bit too generous with the split as my ex wife is basically living exactly how she was before, just with me removed, whereas I'm now in a house share and I feel my standard of living has really nose dived. So with her seeing someone else I suddenly feel like I've been consigned to a footnote in history while she has everything we spent 9 years building with someone else. While I totally understand and accept my part in the split, it's still very upsetting to be left with such a gulf in life quality.

I am looking into the practical and money side of things (shared parenting / house / splitting furniture, etc) but I don't want to rush her or make her more angry so I'm going softly, softly and this is taking ages. However I am now getting frustrated and I feel like I want us to start sorting things out properly, especially as her "being too busy" to look into things or my suggestions seems in a different context now she's seeing someone else!

And I guess, finally, because of my issues with depression I feel a really long way off being ready to meet someone else and it really hurts that she's so together and ready to go - though I guess if she was living a really unhappy life before that's fair enough.

So really my question is has anyone out there been through similar where they're pretty low because they realise how much was their fault and regret so much at the same time as watching their ex move on really quickly and be so much happier? I know it's unhealthy to compare, but it's so difficult not to. And does it get better because right now I feel like it's such a huge uphill struggle?

It does get better.

I think in most marriage breakups its the communication that goes. One partner (or both) finds it hard for a variety of reasons to explain how they feel OR to understand what their partner is trying to say to them. In my case I tried to placate my ex for a quiet life, and found my needs were way down the list after him and the children and the house.

He found someone else and moved in with her and for a long time it really hurt me that he had moved both literally and emotionally away after 31 years together. He had someone to confide in about how he felt over our breakup, someone to be there for him, to go out with etc. I was coping on my own with my emotions as well as the fall out with our teenage sons who live with me. I had to deal with the house issues etc and go to places on my own, often the only single person in a room of couples.

It wasn't at all easy, but time and counselling helped.

What helped most was realising I wasn't responsible for my ex or his emotional baggage, just for me. And that I was a decent, caring person who he couldn't value or appreciate. I also decided the doormat days were over.

You'll get there too, just take one day at a time.

Hi
Yes it does get better. Whatever the reasons for the split it is hard to come to terms that your x has someone else and to worry about the impact that this may have on your kids.
I was in a similar situation in that my x left me for someone else and that was hard to take at the time. However, you need to let go - easier said than done it may seem - concentrate on you and the relationship with your son. The more amicable things stay the better for everyone. You do need to sort out the finances and contact so a Consent Order may be a good idea - more info available about this on the site.
You may well find if her new relationship is getting serious that she may start to think about getting things moving herself anyway.
I think you're doing the right thing by getting information and taking things slowly. Only other advice I would give is that if you want further advice about settling your finances then if you post more info this may help. The info that is needed is:
Your respective ages;
The number of children you have and their ages;
How many nights the children spend with each parent;
The length of your marriage and any period of pre marriage cohabitation;
Your respective incomes;
Your respective outgoings;
Your assets - both soley held and joint;
Your liabilities.
I know you have already said some of this but it would be useful if you want advise from others that have knowledge in this area to have all the info together.

At the end of the day you will need to divide your assets but your timing may be important to keep things amicable.

My kids still have a great relationship with their dad 6 years on. I'm now remarried. Not to say things have always been easy, in the beginning they certainly weren't and I too fantasised about getting back together with x. Starting point to moving on is realising that this isn't going to happen. But there is hope, it does get better and you will get stronger every day.

Janey

Hi

I'm new here too and it is early days for my marriage break-up. I too have to sort lots of things out practically and emotionally. Like you my wife told me she had be unhappy for years although there had been "downs" but things would get better so it was pretty much hard to see it was terminal. Until she got "distracted with other things" and told me it was over.

I to am looking into the practical / money side of things and worried about my standard of living. I'm are worried about being too generous, yes be generous with your child and his future but you need agreement of what is best for you too. Take your time think things through.

Nothing is totally one sided, but learn for your mistakes focus on building up yourself and spending time with your son. I too am focusing on doing new things and keeping busy things I would never of done before the split valuing time with my kids more. Don't worry too much about
meeting someone else you may not be ready, I'm not, it's the last thing on my mind this would be like planning a pub crawl with a hangover!

As your ex moves on it can be hard, but letting this play on your mind will drain you I know it is easier said than done but use this energy for yourself and son.

Best of luck mate there are lots of really helpful and sweet people on this site to help you get through

Take care of yourself

Hi, I am into my third week of my split. Your story is very similar to mine. I saw that she was not happy in our relationship, and I hoped that "things would sort themselves out". I have two sons and miss them and miss what we could be doing together. I am struggling to get my head around being apart from them. I really dread the day she finds someone else, I hope you feel better soon. This website helps, I feel less alone. It helps to share problems. Good luck and take care. Paul.

Hey everyone, thanks so much for your replies, they've been brilliant and the support is so cool.

Emotionally I'm feeling a lot better again. I did some really stupid things when married and I know I need to come to terms with them and not run away from my responsibility. Her role - yeah sure she wasn't perfect either, but that's her business now. Counselling is helping, but so's not obsessing about "will I ever find anyone again - am I too much of bad man to make a relationship work", etc. Good vibes to my ex for being able to move on so quick. I'm more happy being with my son, watching football and doing music stuff.

Practically I've started trying to get things moving by making a few suggestions. They didn't all go down that well (though the important stuff about my son seemed fine) - maybe I was being a bit pushy, I don't know. I'm just a bit bored living in a shared house where I can't have my son over so am keen to get stuff together and move to my own place - plus going back to the old house to see my son during the week is not a pleasant experience with the signs of a new honeymoon period relationship everywhere (new negligee hanging on the back of the bathroom door, man shoes in the shoe rack, candles on the telly - I'm not even having to snoop to see this stuff!) Nevermind, being with my boy is more important than feeling upset while I'm still getting things working.

Anyway thanks again guys, you're all brilliant and I hope you're all still finding your peace. What a great site!

Aww poor you..I was left for someone else too..and it is an awful feeling.
My ex was not respectful either and threw how happy he was in my face which I suppose hampered my recovery.
If theres one piece of advice I can give it is dont fight over your son, easier said than done I know but thats when things get really messy...take it from me!
Im 18 months along and, ok, I admit I should be further along the road to recovery by now but I'm kicked down all the time by my ex and his (now) wife. They had a child 11 months after he left me and that almost killed me (she fell pregnant 6 weeks after he went)..she has my old life, my job in the family business, my car and even my mobile phone!..I've had to claw my way back..but you do babes.
Hang on in there...you're doing great!
Lou x