week 1

I'm 40 years old with 2 children. My son is about to start uni in 4 weeks and my 15 year old daughter is starting GCSE year. My husband of 20 years announced he'd had enough and wanted to leave when we came back from a family holiday. He'd had lots of mood swings recently - I was actually convinced he was bipolar - but I didn't realise things were this bad. He told me it was because I was unbearable to live with and he felt he couldn't trust me (although I have never been unfaithful)and I believed him. He wanted to stay is the house until we sold it and split 50/50. I was shellshocked to say the least but thought "we've been here before, he'll come round". Unfortunately for him I found his diary which confirmed that he had been seeing someone else. When I suggested there was someone else he swore on the children's lives in front of them that there wasn't. When I told him I'd read his diary I asked him to leave - which he did. He's now staying with a friend and happily seeing this other woman. Initially we had agreed that any costs he incurred in renting another place until the house sold would come out of the proceeds of the house. He says he's going to carry on giving me housekeeping money until the house is sold. Although I'm going to have to get some advice on that because I don't see why I should share the cost of a flat he'll be living in with her. I've now also discovered that he had a 2 year affair with this same woman 6 years ago. I'm swinging between anger, despair and just Absolute numbness. I feel so stupid that I didn't see it. My son dislikes him and doesn't want to talk to him. My daughter is distraught and angry. She was a daddy's girl. At the moment they are being a tag team of not letting me be on my own but I feel so guilty to put this on their little shoulders. Friends and family have been great but (as I've read on here) that will only last so long.

Also had to have my dog put to sleep 2 days ago and was concerned to realise that i would actually have liked to be him up there on that table getting that jab.

I have a full time job but don't feel able to go back yet. Haven't eaten in 6 days and am barely sleeping.

Is there any good news out there?

Hi Lizzie,
Welcome to Wiki. It's a fab place for support. It will slowly get better Lizzie. Try and eat something...even the odd banana, bit of porridge, anything. Sleep will eventually return. It takes time...meanwhile, remember you are not alone. There are many of us, men and women, walking this path with you, take care (((hugs)))

Hi Lizzie, why do they lie? It appears that all cheating spouses do it. i mean, you're going to find out anyway, they are such cowards.
Very sorry about your dog, mine was PTS earlir this year. He was everying my H is not. Faithful,trustworthy, loving and cheerful. I cried non stop for 3 days, something I haven't done for my marriage.
Can't help with the non eating and sleeping as I'm at that stage too. I hate the 3a.m wake up.
just keep posting Lizzie, we'll cope somehow.

Lilibet, is your "friend" still in one piece or several?

Hi Lizzie

The great place about this site is that there are loads of other people who have been in your place or/and are in your place now.

My ex told me 3 years ago about all the women he had "had", although, he kindly informed me that he had not "had" any for the ten years leading up to him telling me.

So, like yourself I had no idea, although I had found out shortly after the birth of our child about a "one night stand", which he admitted when he informed me that fateful night (6th October 2006 - that date will be ingrained on my mind for ever! - but now, believe it or not as the happiest day of my life. Although at the time, it was the day my world totally and absolutely fell apart and I will admit that during the following 6 months I had suicidal thoughts.

My ex, however, did not want to leave. He wanted to come clean and for us to continue happy ever after!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The following six months after the 6th October I was in complete and utter shock, on anti-depressants etc. etc. Did I chuck him out, NO I DIDN'T. But eventually I reflected upon what basically a rotten marriage I had been in (without knowing about the affairs).

I have 3 teenage girls, now 16, 18 and 13. I was devastaged, afraid, etc. etc. But one day the light dawned and I saw him for what he was. A skinny self-obsessed pathetic weasal.

To cut a long story short, I divorced him (absolute final 3rd September 2009) and I set about reinventing me and my life. I was 7 stone overweight, due to comfort eating throughout the marriage. I joined the gym, healthy eating etc. etc. etc.

Now, I feel fantastic. Being a lone parent is difficult at times. I feel Absolute nothing for my ex whatsoever, oh, sorry, no probably feel a bit sorry for him, because he is still the skinny weazel, who is losing his hair. Nothing wrong with that, but he always dreaded that!

He is alone and begging for crumbs of being involved with this family. He begs even to this day for me to have him back.

You what??????? I would rather eat dog dirt!

I hope I have made to you smile. Seriously, you are the decent good loving mum and your stbx I can assure you is not "happy". He may think he is, but he isn't. He is inadquate and insecure and a lying and has no qualities you want anymore.

He will forever worry that his new girlfriend will do the same to him and he will not be able to cope with that. His new irlfriend will also worry that he will cheat on her and he did you.

You stand tall girl. Get to a solicitor as quick as your legs can get you there. Petition the loser for divorce. And whatever you do DO NOT HAVE HIM BACK!

A new chapter in your life is beckoning. My oldest daughter is off to Uni next week. Your son is off to Uni too. Now is the time for you to think of YOU. Jo x

By the way, I was a fat, depressed, miserable cow! when my ex decided to make me even more depressed!

Now, 7 stone lighter at the grand old age of 49 my daughters call me a MILF, lol.

Take care of yourself, hold your head up high. Don't let him badger you about money. Ring tax credits etc. etc. etc. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

He is not worthy of you.

Jo x

lizzie,

Welcome to wiki - but sorry you find yourself here. As the others have said, you will find many people here who know exactly what you are going through.

I know you are still in shock at present but it is very important to make sure you are informed about how finances work on divorce - and don't rush into selling the house. Your children have enough to deal with right now and a move on top of everything may not be the best thing for them.

Look at www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Financ...to-calculate-a-fair- financial-settlement.html

This sets out what is considered when assets are divided on divorce.

You can use the on site Divorce Calculator for guidance or if you want wikipeeps to give you a view, you need to provide the following information:

Ages
Length of marriage + pre marriage cohab
Children - ages, genders and arrangements for them (nights with each parent)
Incomes (inc Tax credits etc if applicable)
FMH Value and outstanding mortgage + size of FMH
Value of other assets in sole of joint names - savings, shares, endowments
Pensions - CETVS
Liabilities in sole or joint names - loans, debts etc

He should be paying CM for the child under 18 - 15% of net earnings.

And don't forget to see if you can claim tax credits as a single parent - that will help.

Hadenoughnow

Hi Lizzie,

I feel for you. My wife left me and my two boy's (13 and 15)at Xmas after 18yrs together, without warning. Despite some of the most awful behaviour on her behalf she was intent on breaking up the family. She met a guy she works with and has continued to "shove" it down our throats.

Be strong for yourself but especially for your children. My wife has lost everything and after 8 months of hell for us the consequences of her actions are begining to surface - she is now a very desperate person. My boy's refuse any contact and have been real rocks to me.

I will be honest and say the first six months are very difficult. I lost 3 stone, could not sleep etc, but in time it does get better.

After 8 months we are begining to move on a little. Take each day as it comes, do not let yourself down and be strong. Time catches up with them - beleive me.
Brunswick.