Didn't see it

Its been 6 days now since discovery day and I've found so much strength in reading this forum that I now feel that I can post whats happened to me.

We've been together for 16 years and have 2 beautiful children. Just like any couple we've had ups and downs but always managed to overcome them. Over the years there have been circumstances that have led me to believe he's cheated but I've never challenged him. I love him and always have. Last year I found some explicit pics of a woman on his mobile. I don't even know why I'd looked at his mobile cos I never do. He's a plumber and explained away that a random customer had just sent him the pics and he didn't know why he'd kept them on his phone. I believed him and pushed it to the back of my mind.

At the end of July I looked at his phone and found a text message saying she was in the shower and the sofabed was ready. I challenged him to which he held his hands up and said again it was a customer and cos we'd been having arguments etc he'd turned to her for just a kiss and cuddle. I kicked him out for a week but allowed him back. Unfortunately I became ill and got an infection but he still denied sleeping with anyone. Just before I went to the docs he owned up and said he'd slept with her just the once and hadn't enjoyed it. I carried on with him and he vowed that things would be better. Just last week I found her number on his phone and phoned her. She took great delight in telling me that they'd been having an affair for the past 3 years and that she wasn't the only one. I challenged him with this and kicked him out. He couldn't deny it and couldn't apologise enough. Aparently her husband has left her and had actually sat outside my house and seen me 3 times but couldn't bring himself to talk to me as he said I didn't deserve it.

I am totally numb, gutted, confused etc. I still love him. He wants us to try and re-build our relationship. Half of me wants to put on my old slippers with him and not be on my own with my children but the other half can't believe that for 3 years this other woman has been in my life without me knowing. My friends and family are watching me go down hill trying to cope with whats going on but I still love him. How can I love someone that can do this to me, but I do. There is nothing I would do but turn back the clock and not have looked at his phone, but it was like fate that made to check it.

My friends have confided that they always though he'd cheated over the years but just thought I'd chose to ignore it. I truly never thought he'd cheated. He's all I've ever known and can't imagine anything else. The kids are asking about their dad and I can't stop crying all the time. I don't even know who I am anymore, what do I like doing. He's walked away and is carrying as normal except living at his mums but he seems quite happy which I can't understand. I'm breaking down and a mess but he just seems happy.

Hi and welcome to wiki

You are going through a bad time just now and are probably still in shock. You need to give yourself time to think things through and find people to talk to to help you sort out what you want to do. First thing to decide is do you want to try again with this man and then if the answer is yes, does he want this too? If so then marriage guidance may help. If not you need to recognise it is over, painful though it may be.

All that can wait though until you have managed to get your head round the situation you find yourself in. Look after you and your kids and find someone to listen to you (a close friend, relative or if you want some of the peeps here).

My split with my x was 6 years ago now when I found he was having an affair (denied it of course!) and at that time I tried hard to make it work again but failed because I couldn't trust him again (and he was still seeing her, and still denying it!). Everyone is different though and only you know what is right for you.

Good luck and know you are not alone

Janey

Hi oldfashioned,

Janey has expressed wonderfully what I would love to be able to say...there is a lot of support/knowledge/experience here...you are at very early stage...please take your time and also take care of yourself.

Elle x

Huge hugs for you.

Hello

Firstly you mention 6 days since DD, & you have gained so much strength from this forum - Think how you strong you will be in say 20 days time by the time us lot have helped you

Well its an awful situation your in, you will get a mixture of advice & opinions on how we all can help & how to handle things..

You have been lied to 3 times by the man you loved! That in itself is heartbreaking and dissapointing for you.

Only you can decide what you believe is right for YOU!

You do have to question yourself on why would you want someone who has done those things to you in your life!

16 years is a long time granted - but so is 3 years of lying, betrayal & having the audacity to look you in the face & sleep in your bed every night!

There are good & bad points to weigh up!

I would suggest if you both still sure you love eachother & want to give it another go, perhaps marriage counselling is a good way to start.

You need to both understand, why he felt the need to do this & try if possible work through it & hopefully rebuild some trust between you.

From your post he seems rather unfazed by his behaviour! - Perhaps this is an indication of who he really is & not the person you thought he was.

Only you can decide by weighing up what has happened, do you really want to be with someone whom you trusted for so long & be on constant eggshells everytime hes not around! - Or if your both strong enough to get through this then asformentioned counselling....

Its a tough one, but right now I think you need some space & some you time, to relax & gather your thoughts...

Love Angel 1
x

Hi oldfashioned,

You will go through some real horrible emotions-its normal. I know what the shock feels like. You do need some time away from him as to get yourself back - as now you are feeling real down and this may affect any decisions you make. You have got to ask yourself some honest questions if you do contemplate on giving it another go.

It may seem hard but be strong. Pick yourself up by thinking of YOU and doing things which benefit YOU. Pamper yourself, soak in the bath, new clothes or whatever makes you feel relaxed and better about yourself. Try not to think of him and 'her' as you will only do your head in and don't let him blame you for his actions.

If both of you do decide to make another go of it then like Angel1 says - maybe go to some counselling together.

Be strong and for the kids, maybe ask him to phone them or take them out for the day while you sort things out.

You need to be strong for yourself and your family.

After 18 lovely years (with some ups and downs) my wife left me and my two boy's (13 and 15) at Xmas without warning. Met a colleague at work, left the marital home and moved away for 4 months and has now almost moved back in on our doorstep with her new man! She has literally killed us.

I know exactly where you are emotionally. It will get better, I am eveidence of that. I tried on a number of ocassions to reconcile but it just got thrown back at me. Eventually, you see them for what they are and the "fog" does lift slowly. 9 months on I am a little better, have some peace of mind and have a plan.

I focused everything on being a great Dad for my boy's and that has helped me survive the emotional roller-coaster. You think things will never get better - well they will for you in time but not for your husband. Eventually the consequences of their actions, mis-trust and denial catched up with them. My ex is in a terrible place at the moment as she now realises she has lost everything but I will not and cannot have her back. Both my boy's are refusing any contact which is horrible to watch but at their age it is difficult to force anything on them.
Maintain your dignity and respect and remember it does get better. Thinking of you and your family.
Brunswick.