Wow. This site is extremely... rich... Glad to have it as a resource.
I've been married for 4.5 yrs, together a total of almost 8 years. We have a 5yo daughter. I am pretty much screwed right now -- stay-home mom, barely a pot to piss in between us, non-UK resident whose status is dependent upon spouse. Oh, and he well and truly hates me.
It was always a stormy relationship, at best, so the fact that we are divorcing is not surprising. The anger he expresses, however, is very surprising. I'm the one with the temper, the one who would shout at the end of an hours-long head, banger of an argument that, "I'm leaving!" but I'd wake up in the morning, calm, take stock, try harder. I knew why I was frustrated -- I'd been working on my doctorate, fell pregnant, stayed home with the kid and found myself saddled with every domestic chore, no respite, no help, nothing. In five years, he's been the one to attend our daughter in the morning exactly once. If she's sick at night, I deal with it alone; if she's sick a few nights in a row, I deal with it alone and won't get a call during the day to see if we're OK. This is not an exaggeration. As he had the job, and the serious insomnia, and a seeming inability to manage any household chores, I did it all, thousands of miles from home, knowing no one. I'd tried to talk to him about it, saying I needed help, or just some kind of contact so I wasn't so lonely, but it was like talking to an alien. So I'd explode in frustration, he'd sob that he loved me, and I'd think, "OK -- new baby, strange place, poor guy can't sleep, we'll get past this."
Obviously, I have my own issues if I endured for five years of no sex, no affection, no time for my work, no time for anything. I wanted my child to have a *normal* home because I did not; this obsession with giving her what I didn't has blinded me to what was happening, to him and me.
As it turns out, he has ADHD and some form of Autistic Spectrum Disorder. This is an official diagnosis; what form of ASD we do not yet know, as he needs more evaluation for it to be pinned down, but he definitely places on the spectrum and has ADHD. Boy, back in May, when he was told they wanted to evaluate for autism, did I breathe a sigh of relief! Made sense to me, and now we'd find some way to deal with everything -- manage functional communication, find ways to share domestic responsibilities, he'd get some sleep and be given the tools to manage his anxiety. I even felt badly for being such a harpy -- wasn't his fault, he wasn't being selfish, he just couldn't, truly couldn't cope, right? Great! Now we know. Now we can heal.
Nope. I had to threaten him to get him to seek treatment... and that threat, after five years' worth of them, was his breaking point. He sought the help, but wants nothing to do with the marriage. In May, the real hatred began. Now, it's all my fault, the entire relationship, I trapped him into marriage, I ground him down for five years and all he needs to do is get rid of me. Receiving the diagnosis has had no effect on this belief -- I'm just a raving shrew who yelled at him all the time and his life will be just fine as soon as he's rid of me. But he won't move out, threatens to walk away from his job if I go home with the kid, and certainly will not consider marriage counseling of any kind.
So here I am, 40, no job, don't even have a current account of my own, and without finishing the doctorate I'm simply a grad school dropout who hasn't worked a regular job in over a decade. I'm not even sure I can open my own current account without an income, have no right to benefits, can't simply move out myself because I'm so firmly dependent upon him in this country, and he doesn't make enough to support two households, however cheaply we live. The frustration I'm experiencing is immense. I know I should go home, but I'm hoping to thoroughly scour this site to find a way to stay, at least for a time, to minimize the upheaval to my child.
Whoa. Sorry for the rant. I feel such the fool, so completely stupid, and helpless... and I don't like it, not one bit. If anyone has any advice whatsoever, I'll take it.
