Hello

Hello all
I'm a 38yr old father of two and have been seperated now for about a year after my wife had an affair with a previous boyfriend.
We had not been getting along for ages (which we were both contributing to), so I agreed to move out for a trial separation in order to have some time to see how we felt. At least that's what we discussed, as unbeknown to me at the time, she was having the other relationship.
After about eight months apart, we decided to give the relationship another go, which was more to do with my desire (my folks divorced and it was a mess, so I was avid I wouldn't go there myself) than hers.
Needless to say this was short-lived (a handful of days in reality) and she left with her b/f one night, leaving me and the kids at home. She then spent the next week or so at her parent's house until some solicitor friends of hers got under her skin and advised her to move back home, so I was told 'I'm moving back in and if you don't like it, you can f*ck off'.
I'd lost the will for the fight and found another rental property and moved out again earlier this year.
We have a shared care arrangement for the kids, so that we both have them 50/50 and of course we both love them dearly.
My ex's b/f has now taken it upon himself to move into the small town where we both live, which I have to say I am not particularly looking forward to. I went over to see him a couple of weeks ago to reassure myself that the kids would be ok with him as much as anything else. Clearly I think the guy is a snake (he has previous form for this kind of behaviour), but he seems to make my ex happier than I did so I try and be pretty pragmatic about it all. This is helped in no small measure by the fact that I've got a new g/f who I am mad about and who helps me through a lot of the pain. She has a really happy and optimistic outlook on life.
BUT, I still feel a terrible sense of loss about the whole thing. After my own parent's divorced, all I ever wanted was a happy little family of my own. Even though I know we weren't right together, I still sometimes find myself wishing we'd tried harder at sorting things out.
I struggle to recognise the woman who I now see when we hand the kids over as the woman who I married - she is terribly angry all the time and has been a right bugger over many things (reading my e-mail for the last few months being just one!).
These remorseful feelings also leave me feeling guilty towards my new partner, even though she understands and says it's ok.
I've now started divorce proceedings (adultery as the terms agreed between my ex and I) and have managed to get her to agree to a mediator to sort out finances etc, so have an 8 month road ahead till the divorce is finalised.

That's about it really - not coming to any great conclusion or revelation, but thought I'd post something as a means of getting some of it off my chest and seeking some like-minded people who have been through the whole thing.

Ta
Steve

Welcome to wikivorce stephen.

Steve

Welcome to wiki.

If you can get mediation to work it will be worth it as you will save a lot of cash.

As my wiki name says it does get better, but it takes time. It is great you have a supportive new partner. I was lucky enough to have one too.

You will get lots of support and advice here so remember to use the site

All the best

Steve

Like you it was the only thing I wanted , a forever family! My parents divorced when I was 3 and my first marriage ended when he left for someone else after 10 years when I was 6 months pregnabnt with our first (planned) baby. I was so sure about husb no 2 and never thought I would have to go through this again or put my kids thru this.
We have to do the best we can with what life has dealt us and make the best life we can, always making sure we do the best we can for the kids.
It's a mess, I will never get over it but I am learning to live with it. Twice is enough for me though I won't be getting into any more relationships. I've had enough, just want a bit of peace now.
If mediation works that will be easier, quicker and cheaper. It didn't work for me but eventually common sense prevailed and he has sorted stuff out at last without needing to go to court. So I am hoping for an end to it all soon. As my kids are grown up I will be able to cut all ties which will be great. Been separated for 26 months.

it is lovely that you have a wonderful girlfriend who you are mad about who is positive.

feeling sadness and loss is natural, your family unit has been blown open, there is no greater security that a family unit, this is why divorce unstabilises so many children. The happy ever after is not ruined and over in as much as you are turning a new page, one dream has not quite worked out how you had imagined but your reality with this new woman could be your dream that you have not yet realised. To have someone positive round you when there will be so many negative thoughts going through your head is such a blessing for you.

We are told fairy tales about happy ever after when we are children and almost all the movies that we watch end with a happy ending that we can cope with and give us a good feeling, life is rerely like this. I have known of many stories of people staying married for years and years until they passed on but it was because they lived in a day where through thick and thin no matter what you had to stay married. I have read of women being beaten and mistreated and dying a hollow lonely woman after years of abuse and men who have given up on all their dreams to do the honorable thing and stay dutiful, we live in a world where we seek happiness and contentment and we do not want to put up and endure, most people dont intentionally hurt they are just seeking their own pleasure which can be selfish I know being selfless doesnt make them happy. You are in control of your happiness and its healthy to reminiss but your life so far had bought you to this moment and you sound like you have a great woman supporting you, I hope you may realise that this may be where you should be now and that you have a real chance of being happy.