my wife wants to separate and I'm not doing well

CW,
angelsmum is reaching out to you...you are a human being in need...dont pass up this chance....you are worth it! Many of us make mistakes along the way being vulnerable where there is no evidence...take care

Elle x

Hi mate i can sympathise with you i am in the middle of the same sh*t and it is sh*t.My amte have been very good and offered a shoulder to cry on (even at 44 and feel ashamed of it) but my wife is exactly the same where it stems from i dont honestly know.I have letterly cried buckets,still do.
My wife said to me i do too much and i have taken away her identity in a way.I cooked,cleaned,hoovered,all DIY also did 12 hrs shift work.NOT ONE day when i was off was food sat on the table waiting for her NEVER.So did i do too much,did you do too much,we'll never know becuase you wont get the truth untill it is to late.
I do feel for you deeply,I thought i was the only one at this time going through the pain.We are getting to the bichy stage and angry stage and that is awfull to do to a woman that you love and adore belive me.I look at my wife now and think she is absolutly beautifull but inside she is not the same woman.
Thats my say on that i'mnot the best to give advice 'cos at the moment i'm making a cracking mess of mine.
Try to keep things civil and calm but that is easier said than done.

Good luck mate

ok mr...yu have a lot of quetions i will help you as much as i can

i wud be better able to help on a private message basis but yes i do know what you are going through

even if you are not of 'this country' even legally so hon if you can read this, u know as an 'illegal immigrant' if THATS what yu are,you may simply be a gentlemn that is married to a british citizen,

whT is clear is that you need some help
i will offer wht i can....i too have cried so much and thought 'my kids are gone' they were NOT.

i am still with all my children,....circumstances are judged independentantly certainly in THIS day and age

i have been there
i m a british woman who now loves her indepdence but even now i am fighting, and i know that you will too, because in this democracy even the voice of someome smaller than a citizen but a PERSON canwill be held on its merits

sweetie if you are a GOOD DAD even if you are booted out of the house you will be ABLE to see your kids.....

il do all icn to help you.....( and im takn so im safe ok mr......im an uggly fekkr anyway but i can be here for you......)

City,

First things first..... The feelings you are feeling are normal.. they are part of the shock/grieving process we (sadly) have to go through.

If they become overwhelming then please go to your doctor and ask for help (drugs/counselling- whatever you need to help you through this crisis stage.

Secondly- get some legal advice about how you stand with the children. You can have half an hour free and (if you need it) go to another solicitor and get a further half hours worth of free advice if you need to- just know where you stand before you take any other steps...

Next- STOP begging her or trying to engage her where she won't communicate back as this will only hurt you even more. It is blooming hard to do but you need to do it so you can look after your health at the moment.

And post, post, post on here and get the emotional support that you soo need to have.

We have been through it (some of us still are) so can empathise without feeding you any "patronising" bull...

Like starting jogging from scratch you need to start slowly. Focus on the small steps before trying to run a marathon..

An analogy to use is to look at the next lampost and aim to run to that one before focussing on the on the after that..

Just keep doing this until you feel stronger hun.

It WILL hurt and you WILL cry and you WILL struggle....

But take comfort(some if that is all you can manage)in the fact that people here WILL reach out to you and pick you up each and every time you fall.

I am sorry you have to be in this position. It sucks worse than a lint addled polo mint matey.

Thanks guys.
I am not an illegal. In fact I am (and we are) quite upstanding individuals with high powered jobs. The thing is that I would give it all up for my kids and even though my wife is acting this way I don't know how to save it. We are seeing a counsellor this week, but I fear that if she keeps pushing to live apart, I will crumble. Part of me says it is a solution, another more significant part of me says if we go down that path, I'll never repair and we'll grow apart.
My wife has taken to not telling me where she goes. She is desperate for female contact and is out all the time it appears.
Yesterday a complete stranger (well almost) comes to me and pulls me aside to say he thinks my wife is not good for me. This is so hard to understand. First a stranger telling me and second the fact that my wife has put our situation out on the coversation market so-to-speak with the only 'friends' we have here.
I know I am lonely. London is incredibly difficult for a guy here. I have no friends and I don't know who to turn to. i don't want to let my parents know as they would be devistated and yes, a part of me is hugely imbarrased by the whole thing.
I need help.

City Willow,

I have just joined these forums and for what it's worth, I am the one who started divorce proceedings against my husband (though ironically, he is the one now having an affair). Our split is amicable but I thought it might help if you had some idea of a woman's perspective as to why this came about.

We both have high powered jobs, earning good money (no kids) and on the outside have the perfect life - nice house, nice cars, good jobs, enough money to take time out every couple of years / go on holidays / buy anything we want etc.

However, we have grown apart. We want different things from life and for our futures and it's incredibly difficult to communicate this to a partner who doesn't want to hear it. I have been trying for nearly 4 years and my husband just hasn't been 'hearing' me. He just 'tries harder', doing the same things he's always done, but not changing. I cannot ask him to change, I can only change myself and that is what I did - and it pulled us even further apart.

I suspect your wife has also changed but doesn't know how to express it. Maybe she's had an affair or maybe she just wants different things but either way, you cannot 'fix' it (which seems to be a classic male response - men are from Mars, women are from Venus stuff) if she won't discuss it with you, or if she thinks you're not listening.

My husband tried everything he could think of to 'fix' things, except the things I was telling him needed fixing - somehow he just wasn't hearing that bit. And I felt trapped and stifled; I couldn't get him to understand what I needed (I didn't even know myself half the time) and eventually I just stopped trying. It hit him like a bolt from the blue even though none of our friends was surprised, our parents weren't surprised, even people we'd just met on holiday weren't surprised - sometimes it's just too painful to see what we don't want to see.

I would suggest that you need to try and take some time for yourself to figure out what YOU want. Obviously you are concerned for your children and they need to be considered, but ultimately, what will make you happy?? And don't automatically assume that having things back the way they were will do it. Your relationship has broken down for a reason (or perhaps several reasons) - later, when you have got over some of the shock and pain, you can try to have a dispassionate look at what went wrong, but for now, think about what you need.

Take care of yourself - and do confide in your friends and family. You need their support and there's nothing to be embarassed or ashamed of. It is not a failure to have a marriage break down - people can and do change, and if the relationship doesn't change too, sometimes the best thing is to let it go, however painful that may feel at the time.

Phedre