fear & pain

hi there, i'm new to all this having just separated from my husband of 25 years - he was and still is having an affair. i'm finding all this terrifying at the moment and i don't know if i'll ever get over the pain of betrayal and deceit. each day i feel more & more hurt. anyone have some words of wisdom to help me through?

firstly your husband would not have meant to hurt you, people rarely ever do tend to cause pain but he is seeking his own happiness and excitement and not sacrificing that for you. You may think of him as a great loss and you may question all the years you spent together. All the years you spent together were not wrong or false or a lie, they were your years together that was meant to be, in your head you had a picture painted with a happy ending and it felt complete, he has gone and smashed this picture to pieces. your picture was not wrong it was made up of all the years you spent together and your expectations of the future. You now have a blank canvass and it looks cold and scary. look at this canvass and try to imagine how you can paint an even better picture, you have the opportunity to change what you didnt like about the previous one to do the things you sacrificed while being his wife, if you imagine dark thoughts and that your happiness is over all your picture will project is darkness. if you believe that this is a new beginning and be excited that you dont know what the future holds for you and what your new life will be like then you open your self up to possibilities, its only our beliefs that stop us thinking that anything is possible.Embrace the pain, feel comfort that the pain is making you grow and heal, accept that you will grieve and that you are entering a period of darkness and within that darkness you will find yourself. you may feel you have lost something /someone wonderful but that mr wonderful doesn't exist because he is not so wonderful having left after 25 years and betrayed you, you need to consider is he really the great loss i thought he was? is he good enough for me?Dont focus on what you think is wrong with you, he would have been torn between security and differentation, something new excited him, that does not mean you will not excite someone else. Believe you will get through it and believe it has happened for a reason and believe that you will grow from this with grace and reach acceptance, cry when you want to cry and laugh when you want to. the world is out there waiting for you, I hope you paint a colorful beautiful picture.

Static

We were all new here at one time so we all know how you are feeling. You will get over the hurt and pain but it won't happen over night. You have to go through the emotions caused when you lose someone. The lies hurt the most but one day you will accept that you are worth more than this. I'm four months down the line after 22 years together. I still have my down moments but the good days are starting to outweigh the bad ones. Lean on your friends and family as they are the ones that matter now. Take care of yourself too. Make sure you eat little and often. That was the mistake that I made and it made me feel so ill. My friends and family were worried sick as the weight was just falling off me. As soon as I started to eat small meals I felt more able to cope with the situation.

We all still have a long way to go but there will be rainbows at the end of the storms.

Start a blog or come into chat. I wish I had found wiki right at the beginning. I have found it so beneficial as everyone on here can understand what each other is going through.

Take care and keep us updated on how you are coping.

Lonely

xx

Hi
Just joined myself. I am 51 and a retired polce officer working part time in Tesco. I am reasonably good loking, fit and healthy. On 15 June 2009 I came home early to find my 36 year old wife with another man. Perhaps the age difference was too great. She moved out a few days later and is now living with a different man. These were not her only dalliances it seems and you are right about the betrayal and cruelty. The only support I can give is that the pain is real, the fear is real and that mutual support will ease both over time but we have all felt it and by reading other posters comments I rge you to take heart and believe that you will come through this stronger and better. Do not allow this to poison you, take each day in turn and if you do meet someone else don't allow this episode sour any future relationship.
Always consider a reconciiation - but it must be to your Absolute satisfaction.
Keep your chin up, you will find friends here I am sure.
I edited this because I maybe hijacked this if so I apologise and offer you any support I can and do yourelf a favour - have a real good cry, I have and it does help, don't get into self pity or blaming yourself, your husband is responsible for his own actions

Hi static

Welcome to wiki. You are not alone here on wiki, there are lots of us who have been in very long marriages/relationships.

You will hear lots of people saying that they have been exactly where you are, and they do understand what you are feeling right now, self included.

I know it is hard if you don't feel like doing much at the moment, but please try to pace yourself and give your mind a little break here and there or it will take its' toll on you. It really does help if you can put bits aside for a wee while each day, you come back to your thoughts with a clearer mind.

If you have lost your apetite try to just eat whatever you can stomache even if it is only a little at a time.

Cry if you need to. And if you want to let off steam, you can write a blog from your profile, you can either publish it or keep it private, so you can come back to it at a later date if you want to and either compare how things are for you at a later date or wipe the blog if you don't need it any more.

The only thing I can say at this stage for you is please keep the hope that you won't feel this bad forever, it has to pass otherwise none of us would be able to type this sort of message to you, we would all be stuck in the first stages of separation.

That is why it is called going through divorce, you have to work through it to come out the other side. It will be different but all things different aren't neccessarily bad. A lot of what you may be feeling is the fear of the unknown, it is better when you become familiar with it, honest.

Take care

to all who replied tonight to my cries for help THANK YOU. i know that you are all right and that time will heal. in the mean time, is it healthy to plan ways in which to castrate him whilst inflicting as much pain as possible? i'm kidding - sort of.

static it is also ok to feel acrimony

Humour to express your pain is a better way to deal with it as it somehow and very curiously makes what one is saying seem less harsh. Much better than saying really horrid stuff in a nasty way, which will more likely make you feel worse for doing it that way....go ahead and vent if it helps.