I wish I knew

I have just started here on the recommendation of a friend, on very early days and just don't know where I'm going.

All I know is that in my case, a relationship breaks down on both sides and both sides have to look to what they want in future rather than blaming the actions of the past.
I had an affair, and could justify that in the background of our marriage and the cracks that appeared before I did so, but that would simplify things and never actually explain the emotional guilt that doing what I did entailed.

Reading the posts here I can see the pain expressed by those who's spouse's break their vows - I wish we could have talked more about what it was that was missing or broken in our relationship before I did what I did.

I am not clear on what I am actually posting, so can I leave with a simple request; please can someone explain acronyms used - fdr, FMH (former marital home?), fa, lip, stbx, dj, ar - mean nothing to me!

Anyway - hello all otherwise!

dogdays wrote:

I have just started here on the recommendation of a friend, on very early days and just don't know where I'm going.

All I know is that in my case, a relationship breaks down on both sides and both sides have to look to what they want in future rather than blaming the actions of the past.
I had an affair, and could justify that in the background of our marriage and the cracks that appeared before I did so, but that would simplify things and never actually explain the emotional guilt that doing what I did entailed.

Reading the posts here I can see the pain expressed by those who's spouse's break their vows - I wish we could have talked more about what it was that was missing or broken in our relationship before I did what I did.

I am not clear on what I am actually posting, so can I leave with a simple request; please can someone explain acronyms used - fdr, FMH (former marital home?), fa, lip, stbx, dj, ar - mean nothing to me!

Anyway - hello all otherwise!

Hello xx

you will NEVER get condemnation from me about having an affair. One of my first comments on here was that it always takes 2. Yes there are occasions when you have a man ( or a woman) who is a terminal adulterer and I have also read some horrific cases of where a married partner who has been unfaithful has been dreadful to the one whom he/she cheated on .Actually I hate the word "cheated".

I know what emotional guilt is like - OMG do I? I have walked out of a marriage after 24 years. Basically he is a good guy BUT there were cracks that we tried to paper over but couldn't.

It's okay - you will be okay. There are people who have been badly hurt on here , but they are on the whole a good bunch.And, I will have your back anyway;)
The only abbreviation I can help you with is stbx - which is soon to be ex!

fdr = financial dispute resolution, FMH (former marital home - yes!), fa = first appointment, lip = litigant in person, stbx, dj district judge, ar = ancillary relief

If you go to the top of each page you'll see a series of tabs with drop down boxes; if you click on 'free tools' you will see a 'divorce guide' this has all the basic information you need.

As for your concern about being condemned for having an affair, well some on here may - they're too caught up with their own pain to be able to accept that every case is different and not all adulterers are simply pond life...

I feel very strongly that adultery is wrong and remained celibate even after leaving my husband until my divorce was complete but I have a number of good friends who have or are having affairs and I still think what they're doing is wrong but I can see very clearly why they have/are doing this and its difficult to condemn them as a result.

Yes they are going to inflict huge hurt and pain on their spouses but some of their spouses seem to have inflicted huge hurt and pain on them but in less visible and obvious ways... so a lot of hurt, no resolution = a recipe for disaster all around.

I agree with Lucrezia - there are some instances where the adulterer is just a selfish, thoughtless character but I think this is the minority. In my experience most adulterers are unhappy people who can't see how to get out of their situations.

And despite what anyone here will tell you, simply sitting down and telling your spouse its over and you want to move on before you have an affair is not easy - for the person doing the telling OR the person being told.

I did this after many years of marital misery and my ex wouldn't believe me - I told him our marriage was over again and again but he would not listen or take me seriously. After a year of telling him I eventually persuaded him to go to Relate with me and the counselor there helped him understand what I was saying and accept it. But even after that he found things difficult to accept.

What's more, he constantly looked for evidence that I had someone else or was having an affair... I wasn't, so there was nothing to find and this made him more and more distressed. At least when your spouse is having an affair you can 'blame' the third party - there is so much hate towards the 'other wo/man' on this site - and that is perfectly understandable - but who do you 'blame' if there is no other person?

So, I'm sorry you find yourself here, and you may find some condemnation but you'll mostly find kindness and support.

Just a quick rundown for easy printing/reference

Divorce:

divorce petition - the document requesting the divorce and issued by the person (the Petitioner) seeking divorce. The Petitioner can ask that the Respondent pay his/her costs of the divorce which includes the court fees (£300 + £40_ and solicitors costs if instructed.

Acknowledgement of service - the document signed by the Respondent confirming that the contents of the petition are true/untrue and consenting/defending the divorce.

Decree Nisi - the documents issued confirming that the divorce will be finalised.

Decree Absolute - the document terminating the marriage. This can only be obtained 6 weeks and 1 day after the Decree Nisi unless a special application is made to the court.

Ancillary Relief (AR) (finances):

Form A (FA) - the application for ancillary relief

form E (FE) - the Financial Statement which each party files. The form details all finances, sole and joint, that the party has.

FDA - First Directions Appointment - this is the first hearing when directions will be made by the court as to what will happen next

FDR - Financial Dispute Resolution - this is the second hearing when both parties attempt to negotiate a settlement. The Judge will give his/her opinion on the appropriate settlement with reference to the evidence filed and the offers made by either party. the Judge's opinion is not binding and is not referred to at the final hearing.

Final hearing - this is as it says. If the parties are unable to agree the court will hear evidence from the parties, their witnesses (if any) and any experts. The court will then make an order which is deemed appropriate.

LIP - Litigant in person - a person who represents him/herself rather than use a solicitor.

stbx - Soon to be Ex (this one has me stumped for a couple of days!)

FMH - former matrimonial home

DJ - District Judge - the usual level of Judge that deals with Divorce/Financial/Children matters in the County Court

DDJ - Deputy District Judge - usually a solicitor or barrister who works as a trainee District Judge for a few days a month. Some are very good, some sit on the fence, some think they know it all but sadly do not.

Penal Notice - the application you can seek from the court when a party fails to comply with directions made by the Court. It compels the defaulting party to comply or risk the consequences.

Committal - The application that is made when a party fails to comply with a penal notice. A party can be committed to prison if the application is successful. Very very rare but when successful it usually spells 1-7 days in prison.


There are many other abbreviations but that should get you started.

Charles