Divorced, but children issues not settled

Hi
I've left a fair bit about my background on my "about me" section, so won't repeat but will introduce my worries. I will add that in my residence case I have applied for Mon-Thurs with the children and every other weekend. We have had 2 conciliation appts, in which I self-represented and was not happy with.

WORRIES

1. My Ex is still in marital home, is under no financial pressures and under no hurry to move on as it's still fairly much status quo for him.

2. Ex's Mum moved 3 roads away from the marital home (was previously 200 miles away) and is now heavily involved in the goings on.

3. The Ex has a girlfriend, who is herself only separated a year and has 2 boys.

4. My Daughter has in the last 6-8 months become very angry with me but won't explain why. She was previously happy to come to my house each evening after school, but now refuses and will only come every other weekend. I can't put this purely down to her age. Some of this is due to the fact that the marital home is closer to her school and she can walk home with her friends, but it wasn't an issue before. BTW, My son is happy to stay with me.

5. At the conciliation appts, the CAFCASS woman stated that my daughter's age would have a big bearing on the decision and if she didn't want to live with me, why would the court force her to. Currently the interim court order states that she only has to see me weekdays "if she wishes".

6. As I work p/t, I don't earn a lot. My partner has been brilliant in telling me to put the children first, kitting out our house so we match what they had at the marital home etc etc, but he is now struggling for money and I can't ask him for any more, but I am worried sick that I may lose my children if I don't get a solicitor to represent me in court

My ex is not available to take or collect the children from school, he relies on his Mother. I feel she is usurping my position and interferring in my relationship with my daughter as prior to her being around, it was up to me & the Ex to arrange childcare provision. The Ex's new girlfriend and my daughter have a good relationship, though my son does not like her or her sons.

2 main issues - how do I win back my daughter? How do I convince the court that I am doing everything possible to be the best mother to my children. I left my Ex, but I have always been there for my children. Why won't they look at the bigger picture rather than just a snapshot of now and see that my ex has never been interested in the children and still is not available for them?
I feel very let down by the system!
Sorry for the rant.

bump...

Courts do not always provide an answer to these kinds of problems. Judges can be reluctant to order a child lives with a parent against their wishes because it brings about unwanted behaviour such as running away. It isn't a reflection on your parenting skills.

You don't say how old your daughter is but sadly adolescents or pre adolescents are often angry with the parent who leaves a marriage because in the child's eyes the parent has brought about the end of their family as they knew it. Or perhaps there is another reasonable explanation why they might align with one parent. However, children make decisions in similar ways to adults and they may well change their mind.

Positive ways to maintain a relationship with your D include reassurance that she is still loved by both parents and the door is always open, not to say negative things about your ex, his new partner or extended family to your daughter and not to react to anything negative she says about them. Try to ensure contact is interesting and stimulating. That doesn't mean spending time and money on lots of activities and material things, rather spending time together enjoying each other company. You can do that by sharing stories and old photos about times you spent together doing fun things together before the family broke down.

What is the existing living/contact arrangement, how long has it been in place, is your D thriving and doing OK at school etc?

Daughter has just turned 13. Son is 8.

I think a lot of my D's anger towards me is that her father has told her many, many details about the divorce, finances etc, whilst I have only told her what she needs to know.

I don't feel she should be privvy to details such as how much I earn, child tax credits, things said in conciliation meetings etc, whilst my ex has discussed the whole process with her. I have tried to protect both children from the divorce and not speak negatively about their Father, but this is then presenting itself as very 1-sided, as he is painting a picture of me as the one who split the family, is forcing him and the children out of the family home and and is now forcing the court's involvement. Much as I would love to give my side of the story, I don't think the children should know and also I am still raw from it all.

The turning point was at Easter. D arrived on the friday declaring that she was only staying until Monday (not Weds as had been agreed with Ex). She had a fight with her brother, swore at me, so was banned from the internet,mobile and her friends (for 24 hours) for this behaviour and refusing to apologise. We had ordered bikes for the children, so went to collect them leaving D at home as she refused to get dressed. 1/2 hour later, returned to find her gone as she had phoned Ex on landline, told him we were being horrible and to collect her immediately. I phoned him, explained she had been grounded and to return her immediately. He refused, even though it was agreed she stay and her brother was still with me, so she got away with twisting him round her finger and defying me. Been difficult since then as she set a precedent, knowing he won't/can't force her to stay.

I think another factor is that she started at secondary school and wants to walk home with her peers. Of course I understand this, but I dont think it's a valid reason to not see her for 10 days at a time.

If we have a weekend swap, it makes the situation worse. Tomorrow (20 Nov), for example will be the first time I have seen D since Monday 2nd. This length of period apart, makes it a little fraught for the first few hours, as I ask what she's been up to, how is this or that and she thinks I'm interrogating her! By Sunday evening, its relaxed and we're sitting together watching X Factor, but then on the Monday she's off again for another 10 days. She never answers texts and though I try phoning her, the monosyllabic answers to any conversation are hard work and leave me wondering why I bother. ( I know why, but it's just so demoralising at the time!)

The current situation has been in force since I agreed a temporary agreement at conciliation appt with CAFCASS on May. At 2nd appt, Ex said it was fine, I said it was not, Judge said would not chnage anything until cafcass had spoken to children. Their report is not due until 12 Jan next year with court appt sometime in early Feb. So whilst I have time to rebuild the relationship with D, there will have been a long period of "current situation" to overcome.
Whilst I initially applied for weekday residence with alternate weekends, I realise this won't work for my daughter, so am only asking for 2 nights a week and alternate weekends.
My son stays 2 or 3 nights and alternate weekends with no problems, but I am unhappy that they are being separated from each other for a fair period of time and both getting used to individual attention rather than within a "family unit" as at weekends.

I work p/t in a school, so I am available for the children outside school times whilst Ex works in the City and his 69year old mother provides his childcare.

Ex is very casual re discussing children; give me impression he feels he has upper hand, as I have had to bring residence issue not him, so he doesn't relay information about school, clubs etc

My Partner says just leave her to it and one day she'll learn the truth, but that feels like I'm giving up on her, which I will never do.