NO excuses

I would have been married 10 yrs on 11th Dec if it were not for the fact that my husband walked in one Monday afternoon in May as I was leaving to collect our kids from school and announced that he was done. We are both quite strong characters but I sincerely thought we would make it in the long run. I am second wife and as my sister says "he isn't doing anything he hasn't done before". Now I am about to face the fact that his new girlfriend is about to be introduced to my children this weekend (I only heard about her last w/e) and in the background we are fighting the mother and father of all divorce battles. He has thusfar ignored 2 court deadlines and his latest answers to his financial disclosure quesionnaire are "woefully inadequate", Trouble is I have loved him warts and all for so long and despite everything cannot seem to translate that into indifference let alone hate. I feel empty and sad and angry that I have to be the "proper" parent to our children and excuse all his failures. He returned our 6yr old son to me at 5.30 this eveining with bumper box of sweets in one hand and a bottle of diet coke in the other. I'm tired and fed up of picking up the pieces.

Hi and welcome to Wiki

I read something the other day talking about the 11 year itch in marriage, sounds a bit like thats what has happened in your case. With me my wife got the 18 year itch and decided to bin the marriage without talking about her issues.

It is hard, especially when they introduce new partners to the kids. At least he has told you about it. My ex introduced her bf to the kids without even telling me.

Hang in there, because things do get better with time.

S

Hi JoJo

Be strong! You are not alone, people here will help you through this and support you any way they can.

Thinking of you and sending you good wishes.

Chrys

Thank you for your reply. I found out about the new girlfriend by accident. I have two wonderful step daughters now nearly 18 and nearly 15 who have been "banned" from seeing me. My own daughter just had swine flu but her father was too "preoccupied" to call/email or even text to see how she was. I know that my husband has spread malicious and wholly false rumours about me but have tried not to respond as public slanging matches are not my thing and I generally feel that those who know me well enough will treat these rumours with the contempt they deserve and the rest probably don't matter. Now here I am trying to keep everything going in a straight line for my kids (regular bedtimes, good manners, green veg ...) while my ex plays "fun daddy". It's all very well being on the moral high ground but I have to say sometimes it's cold, lonely and b****y uncomfortable.

Hi JoJo

Sorry you are having such a difficult time. I really don't know what to say as I am new to this marriage break up thing and reeling from it myself. In my current mood I am thinking what is the point of marriage or living together. Sorry not very helpful.
Be strong and think about you and your new bright future.

secretfriend
x

Dear secret friend,

I read your post this afternoon and my heart went out to you. I have spent the whole of half term with a fixed smile on my face while feeling that my insides have been extracted and placed in the fast lane of the M1.

The one thing I hold onto is the knowledge that the worst times in our lives are the parts we gain most from in the long run. It sounds as though we both made a profoundly bad choice in our husbands. I know that I have been trying to avoid that fact for a long time and hoping that if I don't think about it it will go away. The thought of the single parent thing is terrifying .. I haven't worked in 10 yrs and my confidence is flattened but surely this is one of those times when we just have to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and get on with it. The other day I showed my kids a picture of one of the wounded soldiers back from Afghanistan .. he looked about 18 and his live was in tatters yet he was still so positive. Surely if he can do it so can we.

Way to go Jojo

It is very tough. Last year when I was grieving over my marriage failure and coping with a very angry son who announced after his GCSEs that he was leaving school and not going to college or getting a job and a younger son who refused to talk about anything, it seemed horribly unfair that my ex was living with another woman, having companionship, sex, someone to talk things over with and to cuddle and playing happy families with her 2 children whilst ignoring his own.

Well, it was horribly unfair. But I couldn't live my life thinking about ex so I had to do what I thought was the best for myself and our sons. It was a small consolation to know I had the moral high ground.

Now? Ex is still behaving in a selfish way and our sons know he is selfish. I wish they had a better father, but I can't do anything about that, just try to be the best mum I can and hope that when the teenage angst and hormones have died down, and I have moved on, they will be all right.