Going through a tough time

Hi, my husband broke the news to me a few weeks ago that he wanted to call it a day and on questioning him he informed me he had not loved me for some time. Within an hour he had gone and told his parents (who I think he had already been in discussions with) and within a day had moved in with them.

At the time he was crying and telling me how hard a time he was having of it, funnily enough I was having a hard time of it as well, I have not really stopped shaking since then and am in Absolute shock.

He says the reason he wants us to part is that I do not put him first and think more about our pets than him which is rubbish I worshipped this guy. He says he is fed up of our house being a tip, it is not a show house but compared to a lot of people I know it isn't bad (especially when you realise that we have had work done on our house that he hasn't finished himself!).

To make things worse I am suffering depression and he has just been telling me to get over it, a lot of this is due to me going through the change of life.

I am not the first person he has done this to, I am the third - just seems to walk away from situations and then thinks he can meet someone else to go through the ritual all over again.

I do have my faults, I know what they are, I have done nothing but blame myself for this, but from an outsiders point of view 99% of people who are aware of situation say that he has been a control freak and made me nervous and I am best getting through this and being a happier person.

Hello Larkin

Welcome to Wiki - IM sorry you have a need to be here though.

The site has a wealth of support, advice, information and help to offer - you are not alone, we are here for you.

Depression is a very difficult illness, and one you shouldnt feel ashamed about - the menopause is equally difficult - you may find these links useful/helpful

www.depressionalliance.org/

www.power-surge.com/

I cant think of anyone who lives in a "show-house" - homes, proper homes, are warm, cosy, safe places with a lived in look, rather than a sterile, faceless, empty house. Did he help much around the house?

If he has done this twice before already, then he is the common denominator, I was my ex's third wife, he would always blame his previous two wives for the failed marriages, it took me some time to realise that he was the common link, and that he didnt have the capability to face up to the issues at hand and take responsibility for his own actions, preferring to shift the blame onto which ever wife he was married to at the time.

The early days are hard, try to eat each day, sleep a few hours at least each night, and set yourself goals each day - even if it is only get up, get dressed, walk dogs, etc - it will give you a focus and completing the goals a sense of achievement.

Some people find blogging a useful tool - writing down your thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams can stop everything bottling up inside, and helps release those emotions.

Keep posting, no matter what the subject, and let us know how you are getting on.

take Care

Ruby

Ruby, thank you for your kind words. I will keep posting. It is a struggle to do the basic day to day things, I am worrying about keeping a roof over my head at the moment and am just trying to get through the days thinking of how much better emotionally I will be at least without him.

Thank you, Ruby, sorry to waffle on.

xx

Thank you, I will hang in, its tough, but I know I have to go through all of the bad bits to start getting to good times again.

Hi larkin, please don't take onboard his remarks about the pets and the home being messy, as it will add to your depression.

What he's doing is finding fault to justify his leaving, doesn't mean they are true. When you've been reading here a while you will see it's a pretty common trait among dumpers.

Hope you are getting help with your depression.

Hello Larkin

Welcome to Wiki. I hope you can keep strong and just take one at a time. Don't try to cope with everything all at once, just take things slowly and deal with the essentials. Do keep posting, or start a blog. It really can help to write things down. And don't take personally the remarks your ex has made. I'm thinking of you and sending you support at this awful time in your life.

Take care, Chrys

Hi Larkin

It's his decision to leave.there's not a lot you can do about that.
No point in begging just gives them the upper hand even more and makes you feel even worse when you give them another opportunity to reject you.
You must try now to concentrate on you.
You are numero uno.The top banana.
Hubbie why he's done it what he thinks is an irrelevance.He's made his choice and voted with his feet.
Practical steps to concentrate on your well being.
Go to the gp.Talk about the opportunity of seeing the practise counsellor then you can talk about your feelings with a trained professional on the nhs.Won't happen immediately but will within 2 to 3 months might as well be on a waiting list.
2.get some anti depressants they rebalance your serotonin levels and give you a bit more positive outlook.
3.you need to0 keep busy so do a bit of nest building for yourself tackle them jobs.He left undone.I know you might not know one end of a screwdriver from a hammer but get abook and teach yourself.
Most of the builders I've ever met ain't exactly rocket scientists.
4. look after yourself eat healthy walk the pets and keep your place sorted.
And when he wnats to then come back when he sees how well you're doing
Tell him fook off!
all the best
pete xx