unusual relationship

I am a woman of 62 years old in a de facto relationship with a man of 71. We have lived together for almost 12 years, in my house. The problem is that he has bipolar disorder, and during the course of our relationship has had three manic episodes and periods of depression. The former are much more difficult to handle. Recently we went on a holiday overseas, and although he had been taking his medication faithfully and had not had a manic episode for 7 years, he became manic and refused to come home with me. Three weeks later he is in a hospital in a foreign country and I am negotiating to get him evacuated home.
At this point I feel I've had enough and would like to live separately, just being friends. The problem is that he has in his manic episodes spent a huge amount of money and could scarcely afford to live separately. He is now retired so has no income apart from his (inadequate) superannuation. I am contemplating sharing the house with him but trying to live as separately as possible. I think we could just be good friends - when he isn't manic! And I feel sorry for him. It's not his fault. What do you think?

Hi Brittany. Your last line said it all. "Its not his fault". Right or wrong you chose to be with this man for 12 years in a defacto relationship (what ever that is).

To me 3 bouts of manic in 12 years isnt bad. My ex wasnt bipolar but a sociopath. She would perhaps have 3 episodes of violence in a month. And then nothing for a couple of months. But she never refused to come home after a holiday, sadly. But she did like to spend my hard earned on herself and others I suspect. But lucky for me she found another sap to focus her attentions on. And I managed to get away. She is his problem now. Thankfully.

But what you do next depends on your sense of duty and what will happen to him should you dispose of him. Thats what you have to ask yourself.

As for limiting someone's spending power, limit the amount of cash thats available to spend. Like only have a certain amount of cash in his acount.

You could try and get power of atorney over him so that if he refuses to come home you can at least try and force the issue.

Lastly; you have to ask yourself if you can spend the rest of your life like this. And of course what will happen to him if you cast him off. All these decisions must be in your hands. And at the end of the day its your life. And you have to live it how you want. Best ones, C.

Hi Brittany

I think it depends upon the level to which you want to think about yourself and your own quality of life.

No one would blame you for separating from him. The question is... could you? For all the reasons you mention.

Being selfish has some pretty bad press - but honestly, there are times in life when I think it's ok to be selfish. You are caring for him - who is caring for you?

If you decide to stay with him, there is some pretty useful advice above to limit his spending. As for taking trips... I'm not sure I would want that level of responsibility at your age. Having said that, I'm fairly recently out of my 2nd marriage and looking at my 50th birthday... I don't particularly fancy taking responsibility for anyone else!

Good luck

Shezi

Thanks all. I am now about to fly to where my husband is in hospital in order to accompany him home since the hospital insists on this - won't discharge him without an escort. Not looking forward to it, but he needs help. It's what follows that is more of a concern. I quite agree that I have responsibilities towards him and will have to sort those out.

Hello,

Brittany - I'm Australian, just to let you know people in Britain don't use the term defacto relationship and have no idea what we're going on about when we say it (took me a few years of living here to work that out!). For those Brits, is basically a common law partner. Not sure how that differs to Britain legally and it probably doesn't matter.

So sorry to hear of your situation - you've really been through the mill and regardless of what happens from here forward, this man has been fortunate to have a supportive and caring partner.

Marshy - I think Power of Attorney as far as I understand applies to financial type issues. When I was working in Australia (and it probably differed between states), there was a concept called 'guardianship and administration' that could be applied for/appointed if someone is deemed not to have capacity to make decisions regarding their own care and well being. However I think that these generally apply to life long or irreversible conditions such as intellectual disability or dementia. Because this man is for the majority of the time well able to make decisions for himself, this probably wouldn't be applicable. Unfortunately with episodic severe mental health conditions there's no easy way of negotiating the moments where people cross the arbitrary line of being able to make decisions or not.

Brittany, you're asking questions that only you can answer. How much obligation do you have to try and stick with this man, and to what extent? Do you need to financially soften the blow for the consequences of his behaviour while ill? Nobody is absolutely required to sacrifice themselves for someone else's wellbeing, but of course people have varying degrees of belief about how much we are obligated to give of ourselves when someone we love requires care.

A choice in any direction would be understandable on your part, and I would hope other people close to you would support you. The real sticking point is going to be how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror, and that depends on your own beliefs about how much an individual can/should sacrifice themselves for another, what level of commitment goes with the relationship you've established so far etc.

I'd really recommend you getting in touch with some of the voluntary organisations for mental health, and talk it through with carer supporters. If you do leave or change the nature of the relationship, you need to be well prepared for some distress and probably guilt while you're making the changes, so doing the emotional work ahead of time is really important.

If you decide to stay with him in a relationship, it may be helpful for the two of you to agree some safeguarding strategies that you can kick into play if/when he becomes unwell.

Best of luck. I hope he is back safe and stable soon.

Dear elvis_fan,
Those are wise words. You are quite right about having to live with your own conscience. That's why at present I'm trying to envisage living more separately in the same house, without having a clear idea of how it would work.
I didn't realise the Brits have no such thing as de facto relationships. The marriage law was changed here in Australia just last year to give people in such relationships the same rights as married couples, including at separation (share of assets etc). There almost seems no reason not to be married now if you intend to live together! I have been through a divorce before (almost 20 years ago, after a marriage of 22 years) and wished to avoid doing that again. However,the legal obligations in both de facto relationships and marriages really only come into play if one partner chooses to take the legal path. When my marriage broke up, although it was hard to do we were able to agree on how to handle it without involving lawyers, and I'm sure the same will happen again if I decide to separate from my current partner. (Of course it makes things easier that no children have been involved in either relationship.) The only difference in procedure, it seems to me, will be a piece of legal paper that one pays for.