Where to start?

We've been married for 12 years, together for 17. We have three small children of 8, 5 and 4 and my dh works away quite a bit.

I've just discovered that he's been doing an awful lot more than working away. Of course though it's my fault as I haven't been the supportive, loving wife that he wanted me to be. He's not a great father and prefers to spend his time in work - easier I guess.

I've not worked since we had our first child. I'm now 50 - he's a bit younger.

I very much doubt that he's prepared to change. He likes his life as it is unencumbered too much by me and the kids so I don't hold out any hope of us being able to work this out.

Where do I start and what's my first move??

Hi dona. The 1st move has to be to decide what you want to do about this. Once you know this, you can put into action some kind of plan that usualy involves: somebody leaving, seperation, and perhaps divorce.

You dont say if you jointly own property or not and or savings, pensions and any other asset that can be carved up. So if you do divorce I suspect that something will happen in that area.

I wont lie to you. Divorce is utter hell. There isnt much that happens to a normal person that is worse than this. It will change your whole life forever. Perhaps for the better and usualy for the worst (at the start) but life does improve later on. This is what you must do 1st. Decide for you if its over and you want out of it.

This is a very hard decision and cant be taken lightly. I suggest that you take some time to think this over as once done, cant be undone.

One last thing. You didnt cause this. He has a wondering eye and I suspect that he has been playing away for a very long time. What kind of father would rather be at work? Says it all realy. C.

Hallo Dona and welcome to Wikivorce

Do you want to save your marriage? Are you able to turn a blind eye to your husband's philandering?

If not, then I suggest you think about the finances.

The emotional side of things, as Marshy says, is hell. But it is survivable. Lots of people here have been there and back.

Its sad but true that there are quite a few fathers who'd rather be at work/with another woman than spending time with their families.

My husband decided last year he'd rather spend 24/7 with someone else's family. I got through with a lot of support, counselling, drugs (legal!)and this site. You will get through too.

Your story seems to match mine in almost every way. Our children are similar ages, our relationships a similar length, our husband's of a similar character.

I too don't know what to do next and it is with resignation I am feeling - right this is what I have to do.