Teetering on the brink

I suppose this is where you start.

I am coming to the realisation that I have to divorce my husband.

I have always felt this is an awful thing to do to children (I have three 8, 4 and 1) and it has always been my biggest fear but I am coming to understand it is not a good example to them to exist in my situation either.

I would really appreciate advice from anyone who can help reassure me we can all be alright.

At the moment I am terrified for the material and emotional well being of my children, particularly since I don't work as my baby's 1, and my job will never pay enough to keep us, let alone enable them to go to university and have all the opportunities they should have had.

Unfortunately my husband is a habitual liar who has had friendships with women and not understood the concept of emotional infidelity throughout our 17 year relationship.

Now, whilst I endured a terrible pregnancy and post natal depression he has gone the whole hog and had an affair. The other party has had a boyfriend all along, and simply used my husband to help her at work and "for fun" and is keen I know she is "not a threat".

Given this crash landing to my husband's infatuation he's in begging mode and very sorry. But for how long? The blog just posted by Nature Girl is so eloquent and fits perfectly. This is but another in a series of hurtful events and I fear if I stay with him the day will come when he finds the right girl to leave for good with.

Most similar situations I find seem to turn out this way in the end.

Any support appreciated.

shyblonde,

no two cases are the same and the turmoil you are in to reach your decision is a struggle...whatever you decide will have to be your decision...but whatever you decide should be supported by those around you...take your time to gather and promulgate info/resources/support/etc...and look after yourself in the interim...best wishes whatever you decide.

E

Hi shyblonde and welcome to Wikivorce.

As Elle says, the decision you make must be yours alone - you have to live with it for a very long time.

I will share a perspective from personal experience, however...

I divorced my first husband when my children were very small (1 and 3). I was a full time mum, no income / no work / no home, since I left the FMH. I was 27.

I am now 49. I parented my children singly for 15 years before re-marrying. It wasn't a bed of roses, it was the toughest thing I ever did in my life. It was also the most rewarding. But what kept me going when I didn't know where to turn, was the knowledge that I had made the right decision.

Sometimes that's all you have; all you can be certain of. That's why it's so important to make a good decision.

Good luck

Shezi

Yes you can do it. You may think it is a terrible thing to do to your children but actually it is a far worse thing to stay married to a liar and a cheater. Think of what they will be growing up into!

And don't worry about things like university yet my love, there is plenty of time for that. Believe me there are loads of kids at uni who have single parents. It can be done.

It is a brave decision but if you are not happy then they will not be. They will see how little your husband respects you and they will treat you the same.


Good luck and do NOT feel guilty - I bet he doesn't.

sadmother,

I don't think you're unsympathetic at all. I appreciate the wisdom from your greater experience of life.

If someone could tell me they had to deal with all this but in the end their husband grew up and got over it I think it would be bearable. It's the idea of facing it, or worse again.

I wonder if, in the past, before divorce was so acceptable lots of women suffered their husband's infidelities, but marriages endured and were even happy.

In saying that I must emphasise everyone is entitled to make a decision about what they accept in a relationship. I am not suggesting men can do what they want and we girls have to put up with it, just that maybe some men can be strong and marvellous in some ways and immature and weak in others and some people are able to live with that.

Yes I love my husband, yes I think maybe I could forgive this, but I have no confidence we won't end up here again.

shyblonde wrote:

I wonder if, in the past, before divorce was so acceptable lots of women suffered their husband's infidelities, but marriages endured and were even happy.

The surveys in this area generally record the answer as No. Predominantly a happy home of a single parent or 2nd married family where not walking egg shells to dictating selfish parents, being scared of parents, being dragged into or witnessing parents feuding, clearing up after an alcohol fueled drama and such like is resented by the children subjected to such.

E

shyblonde wrote:

sadmother,

I don't think you're unsympathetic at all. I appreciate the wisdom from your greater experience of life.

If someone could tell me they had to deal with all this but in the end their husband grew up and got over it I think it would be bearable. It's the idea of facing it, or worse again.

I wonder if, in the past, before divorce was so acceptable lots of women suffered their husband's infidelities, but marriages endured and were even happy.

In saying that I must emphasise everyone is entitled to make a decision about what they accept in a relationship. I am not suggesting men can do what they want and we girls have to put up with it, just that maybe some men can be strong and marvellous in some ways and immature and weak in others and some people are able to live with that.

Yes I love my husband, yes I think maybe I could forgive this, but I have no confidence we won't end up here again.

How could you take the chance of sleeping with him though?
You don'tknow where he has been and what you might catch!