Teetering on the brink

Shyblonde - I took my husband back after his 'fling' because of all the reasons you listed (basically the children) I did love him and we worked hard at staying married. However 10 years on, we are separated. I'd say that he was never happy (hence his fling). Were those 10 years wasted? We both tried. I forgive his fling totally - it was merely an expression of his unhappiness.

Staying married was making neither of us happy and in the end it was me that instigated the divorce idea.

Telling the children was so hard but in actual fact they took it very well and the teenagers express how they 'knew anyway' and that living in a house with two parents who are obviously tense and unhappy together is hard. Interestingly I thought we gave them a stable family life - no rows or obvious tension. But now we've agreed to part the tension has lifted and it's apparent how much was there! I have a young child as well and they have also adapted very well.

We are having an amicable separation. There is no blame (we both have issues but are dealing with them without recrimination) and financially I'm expecting to reduce my circumstances in order to survive. So is he. Uni is still an option but more importantly I'd say that all of the children are growing up surrounded by honest love (albeit from two homes) instead of hidden tension.

This post glosses over a whole load of unhappiness but I am positive about making a future for my children and having their father be part of that.

I'd suggest you consider whether his behaviour is because he's delaying the inevitable (affair vs divorce) and whether sometimes the inevitable is better managed pro actively rather than as a crisis?

Just wanted to say thank you to all those who have responded to my post.

I still don't know what to do but I already don't feel so alone - like why am I the one waiting to pick up my children reading a book on infidelity hidden in a brown paper bag!

Sorry to hear your story shyblonde. Would you and your husband consider counselling? If nothing else it might help you decide which path to take.

My husband had an affair earlier this year and we have been having counselling for a couple of months now. Initially I didn't really think it would help, but thought it worth a try. Better than throwing away 30 years of a (mostly) happy life together. After six sessions I can honestly say that I am now hopeful that we will be able to sort things out and live (reasonably) happily ever after. I am not condoning or forgetting the fact that he had an affair, that hurt me very deeply, but I am trying to forgive and think about the future rather than past mistakes.

Good luck whatever you decide.