Worst rollercoaster ride ever!!!

Hi guys, I'm new to this friendly community and basically looking to offload some stuff hoping someone can relate to and tell me i'm not going completely nuts!
I don't really want to turn my intro post into a huge epic story or anything so i'll keep it shortened maybe if someone can point me in the direction of the appropriate place to vent completely!
I'm a 35 year old father of two fantastic boys who, as my title suggests, has been shoved onto what I can only describe as the worst rollercoaster ride I ever been on.
About six weeks ago i realised my relationship was in trouble, my partner of 15 years had developed something of an online game addiction, to the extent that she was staying up all night, missing work and locking herself in the bedroom basically ignoring both me and the kids. I don't know why it happened like it did but all of a sudden I realised something was wrong so I set out to fix it...I got this "I'm numb, and I need space, i'm not saying it's over" story. I thought that's ok, i'll give her space and we'll get some counselling..it's going to be ok. then about two days later I had some suspicions about one of her online gamer friends who was supposedly gay I asked her then if there was something else going on she said "No, he's gay!"..next day i checked her chat logs and what i saw ripped the heart clean out of me, it was pretty graphic stuff some of it done directly infront of me while I was trying to have a chat...I asked her to stop and she said NO, she went straight online and told her friend that I had asked her to stop and that she said no, she didn't care. That night she was on the mic again in our bedroom again, as i sat in the loungeroom with my two boys i felt myself getting wound up, but i didn't want to lose it infront of the kids so I ended up going and staying somewhere else, as I left she was saying "where are you going, and why?" I haven't been back since.
The next few weeks after we tried to have a family holiday for the kids sake, failed miserably, I tried to take a stand and refuse to leave the house but the lease is in her name, her mother even tried to mediate but i think it went a bit onesided becasue somehow they managed to make me feel like this is all my fault.
So now I'm alone in a small two bedroom flat, it's only small but sometimes the rooms can feel so huge. I go from emotion to emotion at the flick of a switch.
My biggest problem is that I have no-one who really understands. My family are not much help, as of yesterday my mother says to me "Don't tell me your not over her yet?, gawd we all are" umm..no mum, i don't think you can share 15 years with someone, have them hurt you and then be over it in six weeks...my friends just want blood for what she's done, and our friends are just kinda walking on eggshells trying not to mention anything. I have one friend at work who has not long been separated but he's really bitter and going through court cases, custody fights etc. and I really don't want it to get messy, so maybe he's not good for advice! So yeah, I'm just hoping to be able to talk to people who understand what this is like!
I think i'm doing the right thing so far, i've taken up jogging and trying not to let this get to me. Somedays I'm on top of the world and can't wait to start living my own life again, but then I get really low and start to miss my ex, then I get angry..i'm just all over the place! I put on a front at work, it's hard to work in a store where mainly all the customers are couples, a couple of days i could barely make it to my car before the tears started.
It's hard for kids as well, I've just had them for the week and my youngest wanted heaps of hugs cause when he asks mummy "she just gives me a quick one and goes back to her game"..they tell me how they are sick of takeaway food cause mummy is always playing her game and leaves it too late to cook..I'm trying to either change the subject or just say things like "oh that's ok, sometimes I lose track of time too" but it just seems so unfair that I have to make excuses, so unfair that I ended up losing everything and so unfair that I didn't even get a chance to try and save the relationship.
I think i've read every self help article on the internet, i know what i need to do but it's just so hard to put words into action sometimes..i just hope that by sharing or atleast writing some of this stuff down it will make it easier. I'd give anything at the moment to sleep past 3:30am without waking up and have the mind ticking over, so anytips on sleeping would be nice too!

Thanks for listening, and I guess it did turn into an epic post after all!

Hi Arker

You're in the right place to vent mate! You're also in the right place to talk to people who know what you're going through and can relate to what you say. It IS a roller coaster ride - that phrase has come up often here

You will go through a process of mourning - for your relationship, for the future you anticipated and for the woman you once loved who nolonger seems to be there. I think you've reacted very positively so far.

If you can't talk to friends or family, feel free to talk here as often as you want. We all know how you feel buddy

Take care

Sun

Hi Arker and welcome! I'm sorry you find yourself here. Yes, it is a roller coaster ride, but you are doing great so far, even if it doesn't always feel like that. Keep jogging, going to work, crying when you feel like it and venting your emotions on here! All those are great ways of trying to move forward.

Regarding sleep, if you've tried the usual things like a relaxing bath, aromatherapy oils, Valerian tea, no alcohol, no 'stimulating' TV or reads before bed, etc to no affect. Please see your GP and get some sleeping tablets. Like you, I found sleep one of the most difficult issues to deal with. It certainly had a big impact on my ability to cope. My GP was happy to prescribe sleeping tablets and just gave me two weeks worth. I didn't use them very often, but found having a decent nights sleep now and again really helped.

From your post, it sounds to me like there is still hope for your marriage? Have you considered counselling for yourself? Without meaning to be too cynical, if your wife is missing work, you might consider doing all you can to safeguard yourself financially from any fallout if she loses her job.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. Take care, Bon

Just roll with all the emotions.It's called being human and its natural.Everyone thinks i should be happy.NO you shouldn't you really would need the men in white coats then.You feeling all over the shop is completely the way you should be feeling.
You're not going to be doing cartwheels of joy when your misus of 15 years has completely lost the plot and gone off into cyber la la land and is chucking it in with you and neglecting the kids are ya.
You're going to feel rejected,then you're going to feel lonely then depressed then remorse then guilty and anxious about the kids wellbeing mixed in and feel turnt over and then feel angry and then try and rationalise it and think I've got to feel better and hold it together and you've only got one head and all these friggin emotions banging around inside it!!!!
And all I can promise you is in time it will get better.You'll rationalise it and sort out practical things and put in a coping mechanism to deal with the feelings and the mechanics of the situation.But it takes time and in the time it takes don't ever beat yourself up or pressurise yourself that you have to feel great because it don't work like that.
Just don't do anything violent or anything too bonkers thems the only rules and then given time everything else will come around.
all the best
Pete

Sun, Bon, Pete, and sadmother thank you so much for your replies not only to my post but also to others. You guys really should be commended for all the work you put in around here.

I've decided to start blogging asap. I found the process of putting my story into words, posting on the internet, and then have real people leave positive comments soo therapeutic, I know its cliche but I really do feel as if a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders!

To any lurkers reading this who, like me, have been thinking of posting but have yet to muster up the courage i say just do it!

Thanks so much guys I'm looking forward to blogging, sharing these highs and lows, and becoming active in the forums as well,
Take care

Hi arker

I'm glad that you feel better sharing your thoughts and feelings with people. I know that when I was going through the hell of last year, I felt a lot better when I started to talk to people about it, and even better when I realised that I wasn't the only person going through it. Wiki helped me through the worst time of my life and I hope it makes you feel the same

Blog and post as much as you want - I'm sure you'll receive plenty of feedback and encouragement. You're part of our community and amongst friends now

My husband also has a problem with internet addiction - in his case cyber sex. We found some useful information online if you google and also a book on Amazon. All this is no help though if she won't talk to you about it or realise its a problem, although I suppose it might help you to understand.

My husband now realises how he wasted so much time doing this. Your partner is in danger of emotionally abusing your children through ignoring them if nothing else.

I really felt my husband got addicted to the "high" from the attention online. He doesn't seem to be the man he was at all. He seems in pain trying to stop. It really feels to me like dealing with any other sort of addict, but my "sensible" self says that's ridiculous. The online article explained a lot about how the brain gets hooked in. I hope you can find it if you want to.

Like you I don't know how my story will end yet.

I wish you much love.