Help please.

Well if you don't tell her she will find out eventually and that will probably be worse. Just do it!

9 years is a long time, how much longer do you wish this to continue? Sometimes its easier to bury our heads and just get on, but like you said this has taken a toll on your health.

You owe it to your wife to be honest. As hard as it will be for everyone concerned, you must deal with your marriage and your other relationship separately. Try not to let them merge. Easier than it sounds, but they have to be separate (although your wife has every right not to view this as separate!)

Out of interest have you previously spoken to your wife about the lack of love? Did you stop communicating or family life et al took over and the years just past?

Perhaps wrong of me to ask about the past, but what you have to deal with now is the present.

You cannot predict the future and no one can give you any guarantees. However you are not the first nor the last to experience this.

Kind regards Mister

I've told her! Oh god, what have I done?

Well done, it takes a lot of guts! I also kept putting off the inevitable and when I did I was shaking like mad for what seemed like days. I am still battling through the courts, it is hard, very hard but I know that when I look back it will have been worth it.

Good luck.

Hi U

Glad you have had the guts to talk to her about it. At least things are out in the open now and you can decide where to go from here. Of course it's not going to be easy but at least you have come clean and can start to communicate. She has probably been depressed for a long time too, perhaps without realising it. Just carrying on for the sake of the children. No one can live without love and intimacy and not notice. Take care, Chrys

Have I missed a bit here? Did you at any time tell her you were unhappy other than now when you're telling her it's over?

Did you offer her that chance to talk and try to put things right?

Useless

My advice to you would be to get some counselling now. You may think you are over your marriage because you have met someone new, but you sound like my ex.

If you are depressed, you are probably not thinking clearly and you may have a much harder time ahead than just telling your wife it's over. I have been through this with my ex just suddenly saying he was leaving 16 months ago. I was devastated at the time, mainly because of the effect I thought it would have on the children and they were terribly upset because he left them as well and his new life took over and he didn't have time for them.

However, once he had left I realised that we had a much happier home without him sulking around the place and acting like a spoilt child all the time. It was like a black cloud had lifted off our house. I also realised that although I wanted to stay married (because I considered it a lifetime commitment) how unhappy I had been for most of our married life.

My ex is now ending his relationship with gf because our son can't get on with her and her boys. It has not turned out to be the answer to his problems, because he never resolved them in the first place. Jumping from marriage to another relationship without taking time to heal. He would not have had the guts to leave unless he had someone else lined up!

Meanwhile I have in the last couple of months met a lovely man who treats me better than my husband ever did and I feel I short-changed myself for so many years. Also, because it was over a year since my husband left, the kids seem pleased I have met someone and like him.

Sorry to have rambled on, but what I wanted to say is that you may think the hardest thing is to tell your wife, but in my experience you have harder to come with fitting in your kids to your life, girlfriend, etc and she may be jealous of the fact you have to keep in touch with your ex for the sake of the children.