Help please.

Hi, I could use some help please. I don't know how to tell my wife and children that I want to leave. I have been married for 13 years and for the past 9 it has been without intimacy or, not to put too fine point on it, love. I have been in a relationship for some time now, and really am struggling at home.

I have deen diagnosed with depression a few months ago, but my wife doesn't even know! I really cant live like this, but my problem is that I dont want to hurt anyone. I know thats not reallistic. I do everything I can for the kids. I love them with all my heart and to think I am going to upset them hurts so much, but I feel dead inside when I'm with my wife.

I need to start living again and that it is with the "other woman" in my life. I know i'm the bad one in the relationship, but everyone is suffering because I cant stand being at home. My wife appears to not even notice.

Any advice would be gratefully received. I need to know who to tell first or how i should go about it. I dont want to get this wrong and lose everyone I care about.

Sorry if I sound like a coward.

Hi there,
I don't know if you can get out of the marriage, pain free for all the family but I think you owe it to yourself and your family to be honest. It really resonated with me when you said you feel dead inside. I wonder if it's possible that your wife might feel that way too and maybe that's why she doesn't notice you. Maybe she's unhappy too just getting on with it.

I don't condone your adultery, but just be sensitive and honest and go if you are 100% sure that's what you want. You will be well supported here. Good luck.

I have just yesterday finished the process, having been in similar circumstances as you, in fact the Absolute was filed yesterday!! The only difference is that my kids are both grown up and left home years ago.
To be honest, I cant remember when I was last this happy!!

Thankyou for your support. I also would usually not condone adultery, but she is "the one".

Any ideas on how I tell them? Should I tell kids first, in case she turns nasty? Or all of them together?

Useless,
Your marriage is between you and your wife not the kids.
Tell her first of course.
Then you will have to ask her how she wants you to approach it with the kids.
What arrangements have you made for going to live are you moving in with your mistress?
If you have any sensitivity it would be best to end your marriage without muddying the waters even further by involving the person you are having an affair with.
What plans have you made?i.e where the kids are going to live?
Where your wife lives?
Where you live?
And how you intend to finance it all?

There are no easy answers.

But you should tell your wife first - I don't need to tell you it would have been better to end it with her before starting a relationship with someone else. Imagine how you would feel if your wife suddenly sprang it on you that she was having an affair.

You should tell the children together if possible. They need to know that their parents still love them. You don't say how old the children are, but please let them know its not their fault.

My husband and I agreed to separate and then I found out he'd been having an affair for some months. We told the children he was moving out but he didnt' tell them about the other woman. They were very upset when they found out and they don't believe anything he says any more.

I was personally very upset that my husband hadn't told me about his other woman - I felt that he had really been diminished in my eyes as a coward. Of course he didn't want to hurt me, but you can't announce you are in love with someone else without hurting anyone.

Thanks for all the advice you are giving. I know things are in a mess, but you can't choose when you meet someone. I had been friends with the other woman involved longer than we were lovers.

As I say, never my intention to hurt anyone. I'm just not that sort of person. I have already looked for and found other accomodation as don't want to make things more awkward than they need to be.

It's so difficult getting wife alone to tell her. As I say we are far from intimate. I just think she will make things awkward for me to explain to the kids, who are 10 and 12, by the way.

It's got to be this wekend.