Devastated

Hi Mike

Just wanted to add my support and send you a hug. Hang on in there, and keep posting on Wiki, there will always be someone here for you. Take care, Chrys

hi your not alone the same happened to me. My husband found a friend about oct 2008 and has carried on a bit like your wife, spending time with her, emails texts etc, convinced me i had nothing to worry about but i always knew i did. Finally left home on august 26 leaving me devestated and the kids in pieces. i never thought he would go. i have struggled to come to terms with it but i have to. he is not living with the ow he is still at his mothers so i feel i cant speak to my mother in law. All my friend say it will not last, its a mid life crisis etc, excitement of a new relationship etc. we have been married 19 years and we have had avery good marriage till now. his new relationship may not last but that doesnt help me the heartbroken wife left behind. You will find it hard i cant lie but you know you have done nothing wrong and your wife is the guilty party and has treated you very badly. like everyone else says on this sight how can the peole we love and trust turn into strangers?

(((Mike)))

Sending you a hug.You'r not alone.....I had my day of devastation too.....1 day at a time...its a long slow process but eventually it does get better

Take care
lovelorn
x

Today I woke up early, and I began my day like many others in complete and utter sadness. The only difference is I woke up today with a bitter taste, and anger I have never felt before in my life and I began to write. I wrote for hours a letter I intended to read my wife about our entire situation. I started every line with "im angry at you for" Their were 5 pages. I wrote down everything I never got a chance to say in the heat of our breakup, and I wrote and ending as well.

My intent was to write it for myself as much as for her, but the more I wrote it the more I found I needed to say these things to her, before I could even attempt to move on. I phoned her, and requested she come home for an hour but she refused. She said we had rehashed our marital breakdown enough, and she needed to be free of all the sadness too. I pleaded with her to come home so that I could have my final closure but she would not relent.

She eventually offered to listen to me while I read her my letter over the phone. It wasn't everything I wanted but it was something I suppose. I read my letter with every line beginning with

"im angry at you for....." and with 5 pages of it, I was surprised she listened to it all. I read the letter in it's entirety, and felt better. She claimed she didn't want to come over face to face and deal with this anymore, that I was just trying to make her feel worse, and that she already felt bad enough about what she had done. She said I was trying to manipulate her by using guilt, to get her to come home and face my emotions once again. I explained to her that I wrote that letter not out of a sense of punishment for her, but as a sense of release for myself. Even though her being made aware of it all was in sense emotional punishment for her to hear.

I read the letter to her on the phone, tears streaming down my face sitting on our living room couch. It was good to air some of those things in which I may not have said, in such a fashion. I have never written such words in my life, and I hope to never have to again. I left a copy of my letter to her on her computer desk upstairs. When I leave our marital home I want her to see it, and remember.......

I didn't get to express myself face to face, but I at least got it all out to her. To her credit she listened to the whole thing, and I believe her when she says she's going to be alone for awhile. by herself now for awhile. Our trust bond is completely shattered so their can be no reconciliation, every word out of her mouth seems genuine enough, but I just can't take it for face value anymore.

I've officially lost my best friend and partner, and at the time I felt great getting it all out. As I sit here now typing to you all, I feel another wave of senseless despair. Im so angry at her that I wish she will feel this side of the pain one day, and im angry at her even more that I would wish that pain upon her.

I long for the day I will wake up and feel the utter release.. of complete and honest apathy towards the end of our union.

It will happen mike. Just keep doing what you're doing - putting one foot in front of the other, talking about how you feel and moving forward. There are plenty of people here who have come through the hurt only to find a better, happier life

I am glad you got the opportunity to say something of the things you wanted to - that is something that some of us have never been given. You will find over time, however, that your view of the marriage will change and you will become more 'realistic' about what has happened (and then, you will need to say different things to her!). At the point my stbx left, I was sure I was the 'victim' and had done nothing at all. Now I realise we were not in a prefectly happy marriage and that whilst he made a choice to have an affair, end the marriage and generally behave very badly over the last 12 months, there are reasons for his disatisfaction and I had a part to play in that. But that's life - we're all adults and we all have to face up to our responsiblities - one thing you will see on here is that the people having the affairs rarely seem to be able to do that.

I also feel very strongly that whilst it appears that our stbx's have 'moved on' without so much of a backwards glance, this is not the case. I know my stbx, I lived with him for many years. I have experienced him happy, sad, angry...and I know that at the current time he is very, very sad and incredibly angry. He might be playing happy families with his new partner, her children and our children but he is far from happy. There is satisfaction in that for me but also great sadness because I don't bear him any ill will (although there is a need to hide the kitchen knives when he's around!!!) and I really do wish that this had all been for 'something'. His life is about to implode (business not going well, debts coming out of his ears - relationship with his new partner built on his supposed success) and all I can do is watch.

Take care Mike. Keep posting and look to the future, focusing on that. Start building something different for yourself and you will see things can be good again.