Advice Please!

I am not sure how much my pension is worth, I have only been paying £300 per month for about 5 years, so i suspect not that much. A 3 bed house in the area we live is probably about 220k which, unless i give her the bulk of the equity (260k) she would not be able to afford, and I would be not be able to afford to buy anywhere if i have to pay maintenance as well. She recently trained as a painter and decorator, so she could earn some money, but she will point out that it has to fit around the kids, so i am not sure how much she could earn part time?. I am thinking maybe the best option is that i let her stay in our house, pay her enough for the mortgage and bills, but she would have to earn enough for food and living costs? I would have to rent as I would not be able to afford a 200k plus mortgage, and then when the house is sold it is split 50/50 ? Does that sound a fair proposition? or if we sell now, what proportion of the equity would i be likely to get for me to rebuild my life? Thanks for the advice and the kind thoughts here btw.

Well I'm not as good at 'back of the fag packet' calculations as Hadenoughnow or perrypower but from the principles I've learned about form my partner's divorce I think this is one possibility:
Your wife gets £220,000 from the equity of the house to buy herself a home for her and the kids. The housing needs of her and the children will be paramount.

You get the remaining £40 (less after you take off sale costs etc) and bank that, and you get the endowments, which mature in 2013, which will provide you with the deposit on a home for yourself. You’d have to rent in the mean time. And you keep your pension in tact if its value really isn’t very high.

You would have to pay 20% of you net income in CM, so around £888pcm; I think you’d also have to pay around the same in SM, at least initially, so @ another £888 = @ £1800 (ok maths aren’t my strong point…)

That would leave you with @£2,600 a month net… more than enough to rent and live.

Not ideal, not what you want but do-able…

Thanks! So basically she can walk away with virtually everything, including equity from my previous house and my inheritance money from my mum and dad. AND i have to pay her a handsome income! And yet i don't believe i have done anything wrong. I'm going to struggle with the amicable bit !

merlot1962 wrote:

And yet i don't believe i have done anything wrong. I'm going to struggle with the amicable bit !

Merlot, Please remember your two young children, how you deal with this situation will have a huge impact on them.

Poppie

Hi Merlot,

Well, this is just my guesstimate.... try contacting hadenoughnow or perrypower and ask for their view, they're usually pretty sound. However, the problem with divorce law is that it really isn't interested in fairness and justice, its interested in making sure that finances on divorce are settled in the way that will be the least draining on the public purse. I'm sorry if that sounds cynical but that's the way it is.

Your wife and children need to be housed, if she hasn't worked in a long time she won't get a mortgage, so she needs to be housed some way and a court will look at the issue in the simplest manner, one of which is to provide her with more of your joint assets to house herself because you have a large income, so can house yourself.

There are a number of men on here who feel the same injustice you do and maybe they can help you more than I can. I wish you well.

Merlot

This does sound like a difficult situation. It appears to me that you and your wife have reached the stage where you are in opposing corners with neither of you prepared to compromise. This is very destructive for everyone, especially the children.

Is it possible for you to find a way to spend time together away from the situation and really talk about what you want? Try having a talking stick and taking turns - or maybe an egg timer? And set some ground rules ... this is not about blame or being "in the right" but about a sensible way forward which may or may not include separation and divorce. It is perfectly possible for you to go to a relationship counsellor on your own. You do need to do something to defuse the anger you are feeling - and so does she. You cannot do it for her, but you can do it for yourself.

I think this is what you need to do first and foremost. Look at your life, look at what you would like to change. See if there is a way to become the husband and Dad you want to be. This may mean you move to Devon now - not at some indeterminate point in the future - and learn to be happy with a lot less cash but perhaps with much more time for each other and the children? This is a much easier path than divorce. Single parenthood is no picnic.

If divorce is inevitable, there are many ways the assets may be divided. Look at section 25 of the 1973 Matrimonial Causes Act for some guidance. 50:50 is the start point but often not the final outcome.

As there is inheritance cash tied up in the property, this may make a Mesher Order a more attractive proposition ... This would mean you get a share of the property on sale - but it is not sold until say the youngest is 18. It can also apply to any new property that may be purchased.

A pension share is also a possibility. You need to get a CETV - cash equivalent transfer value - for the pension.

Some SM on top of CM may be in order but it is possible for this to be time limited - say to allow for the mortgage payments until the property is eventually sold? Remember she would get tax credits as a single parent which will boost her income significantly if she works part time.

But all this is jumping the gun. What you need to do is have a proper talk with your wife (*not a talking to) respect her views and see if you can work together for the good of the children. They are the most important people in all this.

Hadenoughnow

Thank you everyone for your help and advice on this. Divorce is not what I want, I just want a happy, loving family relationship with my wife and kids,in our house. There are a number of factors that i believe cause our issues. Work does cause a great deal of stress, because I leave the house at 06.30 and return at 19.00, I believe I work fairly long hours, and I don't think my wife appreciates that. I also find it difficult to leave work at work, so often come home in not the best of moods. At this point it can be very easy for my frustration to get the better of me and we will argue about the kids or money or what has been done in the house and then I find the kids have been on the playstation since they came home from school and not done their homework or the house is a mess etc.... The next step was that my wife was to see a solicitor to discuss her options, however I talked to her yesterday and told her again that this is not what i want, but felt I was being pushed into it by the way I was being treated, in other words frozen out. She has agreed that I will stay in the spare room, and we will continue with marriage guidance, as I think she now realizes that there is nothing to lose by doing this.I just want her to love me again, but I think we are a long way down from that. I feel once again it is me making all the effort to save this, but I will bite my lip and hope the marriage guidance will highlight both our frustrations in a way that perhaps we can both listen to.