Finally realised divorce is the only answer

We have been married 39 years with 3 adult children who do not live with us. For the past 2 years our marriage has been virtually over and my husband is out every night and every weekend (there is someone who lives near us who may be more than a friend) - however regardless of this we do not have a life together. I am skirting over the pain and heartache as I know most people reading this will have their own problems. I just feel that I cannot take any more and that this year I need to break free and think of myself for once. My question is....is it possible for us to get divorced without bringing up the money side of things - pensions etc. We do not have to consider the children and apart from the house there is nothing else of any value - plus we want things to be amicable. We have had to liquidate our business recently so things are still being sorted - however there will be a short fall with the bank and we will be selling the house (this is not a problem as it's too big and isn't a real home anymore. For the time being we therefore share the house and I need to know if it is possible to go ahead with divorce proceedings whilst we still live under the same roof. Any advice gratefully received.
Holly8

Hi Holly,

Sorry that you find yourself here.

I cannot really help on the Finance side, but I am sure that there are folks here that can. However, after 39 years I am not sure that you can "skip" over the heartache and pain so if you need to get those fellings off your chest this is alos a great place for that.

Wishing oyu some peace and a quick resolution.

Sorry Milby
Just finding my way around this forum and clicked the "thank you" first. Kind of you to respond to my message so quickly - hopefully someone will know the legalities of living together whilst divorcing.... at least on this site we're all going through similar problems or have come out the other side and lived to tell the tale. I look forward to chatting and getting to know you all - sounds like a great support network.

3 bits to a divorce

a) the divorce, which leaves you both as single people free to remarry

b) the finances - which I strongly urge you to sort out. You don't want to win the lottery and find your ex chasing you for half of it do you? Or claiming on your Will if you predecease him?

c) the emotional stuff - which this site can help you with too. Lots of resources but the best one is time and people to talk to.

Nell

Thanks for my replies....you have straightened out my original query, and I realise now that I can start to take things further even though we are still under the same roof. I understand the concern re financial issues, though I had hoped we could sort these out just between the 2 of us (maybe there is a formal way of doing this in an amicable way)? Sometimes I feel that I'm rushing into all this as my husband just won't talk about it and on the rare occasion he is in the house and I bring up the subject, he blows his top as I'm "going on at him" I am expected to put up and shut up - but this year everything must change. I would love to think that there is someone out there who could cherish me and enjoy my company, but I'm not the type to start anything up whilst still "married" So pleased I stumbled on this site! One last thing, which divorce path would you all advise....solicitor or online etc (I'm assuming finding a good solicitor would be my first choice.

Holly

There's info about the procedures with divorce on this site.

You and your husband can - if its possible - sort out the finances between you and then you just need to get them made up into a Consent Order.

If you can't, mediation is a good idea.

If it ends up going to court the only people that "win" are the solicitors.

Thanks to everyone for the useful advice...I've been reading my posts through and realise that I may have come across as someone making quite cold decisions about my future. I just wanted to say that all this "divorce" idea came to the fore over Christmas when I felt so low that I just knew that in 2010 something had to change. Having the strength to carry it out might be a different matter, but I've obviously come to the right place for advice and support.

Briefly, at the end of 2007 my husband was staying out into the early hours drinking a lot and I blew my top and in anger moved into spare room for a couple of nights. It brought to a head the fact that he was living as a single bloke and I couldn't stand it any longer. For a couple of years previously I had lost my confidence (menopause I now realise) and my sister had died suddenly and I had stopped going out. Luckily I came through all this and felt great about myself, but was told I was putting on an act and wasn't really enjoying myself??? Just after Christmas that year I discovered he had sent flowers to a woman who lives nearby and since then he has been seen giving her lifts (by his children and friends)and I discovered he was ringing and texting her on a daily basis (after this he got another secret phone and after I looked at one of the bills it showed he was still carrying this on. This has been going on for over 2 years now, but gradually reached the point where we are in separate rooms and virtually sharing the house. He still constantly denies there is anything going on and yet now goes out every night and all weekend. I am so alone I feel I am going mad at times. Worse thing is we work together in what was our own business (that's another story)and at the momomet we are stuck in the same house with no sign of being able to sell just yet.

I still love him but not enough to overlook all that is (or isn't) going on, and he says he loves me (but obviously not enough to change.

We haven't been out socially together for over a year, but both go to different pubs in our village and he oftens turns up at the one I'm at.

We do still have "moments" physically occasionally, but I just feel used and can't accept that they mean something to him as he says(or he wouldn't treat me like this all the rest of the time) I think this interpretation is a basic male/female difference.

Because we have to work together I constantly try to keep things on a calmer level whereas I'm screaming inside. I don't know if any of you are able to sum things up or advise whether I am doing the right thing...any comments would be welcome.

Thank you